Memoirs of the V Spot II

Before you start, I will like to invite you to check this out. To the women, feel free to share your stories about that part of your anatomy that brings us joy, pain, confusion and comfort. And to the men, feel free to analyse that which your pursuit of defines your life's decisions.

Young girl, wetin be your name

Alice

Wetin you dey do here?

Na my tisha bring me come. make dokita helep me make I no dey be like this again

Wetin dey do you?

I no know...I dey piss. I dey hol am, i dey hol am. e no gree. na im make dem say make I comot for house. say i dey smell.

When the doctor talk say im go do your operation?

im talk say tomorrow

When you recuperate, wetin you wan do?

I no sabi dat one

when you recover, wetin you wan do? when u no be like this again, u wan go your papa house?

*shakes head *I no too wan make tomorrow come. but the smell dey worry me. so make e come but i no wan go my papa house.

why?

my papa say make i no come im house. say na me make Okpidingo vex come dirty our house.

what is...wetin be Okpidingo?

na spirit. e vex say i bad so e collect my pikin . Na im collect my pikin

U get pikin?

*shakes head*

wey the pikin

e dies

I am sorry

nooo, e no big. so e dies

Wey the papa? the pikin papa?

E dey house?

Na im bring you come here?

No...na my tisha. my tisha come carry me for road where I dey sleep, na im bring me here

So your husband chase you comot for house and your papa chase you comot for house?

Yes

Wey your mama?

e dies...many long away . na she get de shop wey she dey take pay my school money. when she die...money no dey. my papa e don dey sick tey tey.

How old are you?

Thahtin.

i see...

ehn?

I understand

Ok...u hav sweet?

No, I am sorry.

All de oda womens dey bring sweet and biscuit come. Dis dress sef, na dem give me

Oh, that's nice.

After tomorrow, i go wash am well well. e no smell again. wheesh womens are you?

ehn?

wheesh womens are you? u no oyinbo and the womens wey come before, dey no stay long. dem take pigsho, dem comot. some of dem dey follow us talk but some dem come look us and dem comot. dem no see my garden. u wan see my garden?

U get garden?

Yes, I get aibeesgos. i get one yellow one. i don forget im name but i get aibeesgos. na there i dey do my assignments

u have assignments?

i dey go school. dem get school here. my tisha and im wife say make i come dia ouse when i comot. na im wife make my hair. e fine, no?

very beautiful. u r a very beautiful girl.

Tomorrow. after dokita. i fine better better. i clean. i no smell. i no dirty again.

You were never dirty, my sister.

ehn?

Yes.

Ok. Come make I show you my garden. the aunty for keeshin ave some mango. i gi you one.

Thank you

Wetin be ya name

Dolapo

My name na Alice

I know

You be my friend?

Yes. I am your friend. I am your sister.

Okay, next time , you bring sweet come. ok and i keep mango for you

Deal

ehn

Yes.

Memoirs of the V spot

Before you start, I will like to invite you to check this out. To the women, feel free to share your stories about that part of your anatomy that brings us joy, pain, confusion and comfort. And to the men, feel free to analyse that which your pursuit of defines your life's decisions.

Dear Sir and Ma,
By the time this letter reaches you, my wife and I will be on our way out of the country. To a place that I shall not tell anyone because we both need to get away for a while. She needs to get away and I am going to take her somewhere I know she will feel safe and try to be happy.
The intervention worked. After I spoke with Ma, I called the one other woman whose opinions I value and took her advice. I went home, took my wife into a room and locked us both in there; refusing to let neither her nor me out until we had figured out our problem. Or at least until I had found out if the problem was my fault or hers. It's not hers and it is not mine.
The past seven hours have been the most excruciatingly painful of my life. I had to ignore my wife's tears and pleading as I too wept and pleaded with her. What was the problem? It is not natural, what is going on; I told her. Something is wrong and I just have to know. How, I asked of her, do I tell the world that my wife of eight months will not allow me to touch her, freezes when I do to the point where the last time we tried being intimate, she blacked out. Something was wrong. I did not know what it was and I was angry that I had never seen it.
Maybe I should have been more suspect about how distant she was the first time I saw her. I took her silence and refusal to meet my gaze or shake my hand to mean that she was shy and reserved. I took her refusal to let me hold her in public to mean that she did not trust herself with me and decided to wait till our marriage to show her the physical side of our connection. I imagined that her near extreme lack of experience was because your upbringing of her had been strict. Her silences meant she was thoughtful. The trembling in her form when I held her equated for me, her suppressed desires.
`You don't know my confusion the first time we were together. I tried to ask her but I did not know how to because she looked so afraid that I too became afraid. I came to you Ma, because I felt as her confidante, you might be able to shed light on your own child...help me understand my wife. I realised I had married a child. Yes, she can cook any woman out of her home and shame disinfectant with her cleanliness.
That's another thing. The cleanliness. Anytime I came close to her, she would rise in the middle of the night to scrub herself so hard that there were red splotches on her neck and arms. I thought she was being clean but I later realised she was trying to get me off her. Why? Was I filthy? I too started bathing before coming to bed. There was no change to her reaction. I did not know what to do. She was not happy because I was not happy and I was not happy because she was not happy.
It was after our conversation that I realised that something terrible had gone wrong. In fact, I was almost sure what exactly it was. What I was horrified to find out was whom and for how long.
So, I am taking my woman away from here. Somewhere where together we can try to help her find her way from the nine year old she was before you Sir, came and destroyed her innocence. I did not come to you because if I had, I would not be on my way to a distant land but on my way to prison for having skewered you.
And as for you Ma, sitting back while the animal you call a husband defiles your daughter continuously. I was told that she had been a bubbly and lively child and that suddenly she stopped talking and when she resumed, it was in sporadic and short sentences. I guess she felt that no one would hear her screams or believe them.
She has begged me not to tell anyone. It's not something that I want to keep quiet because if you could hurt the flower of your own garden, what is to stop you from trampling on another man's. I have eyes watching you. I have ears listening to you. Every move you make, I will be there and when the time is right, I will come back and thank you for all you have done.
I don't know how long it will take. I, as her man, have to pay for your sins. I am just happy that I found this out. Imagine me in my stupidity, coming to both of you to please help me talk to your daughter. I can't imagine how much damage I have done. The good thing is that we have the rest of our lives to make it right for her and for us as well.
Don't bother to contact my family. My father knows. Remember he does not much like you. He must have sensed your pedigree when you met.
Thank you for at least giving birth to this incredible woman. This woman whose strength or beauty you cannot take and whose joys you will never know.
What ever is left of your days, spend it together. You deserve to.

Your Son-in law

Dear Father

How much longer is my wait
To realise my fate
when will this dream cease to be
a dream and become a reality for me

Have I made a mistake
That turned me away from you?
Or have I simply not done
all the things you want me to

I sit here and watch others build
build all their heart's desire
rules i refuse to break
lest I walk a painful path of fire

still I cannot say that it's been that bad
cos even on the darkest days, it's not that dark
and the silence still contains whispers
to calm my frantic and panicked heart

Please help me
Father please take me
To the place that I have earned
Hopefully it's the same place I desire as well
if not
Then let me know
where and how far I have to go
because this torture of not being able to know
is becoming a secret hell

Dear Father
I know you hear me
As always you do
Your daughter is wondering
what next she should do
I guess I have to hold on a little longer
Though my arms are tired
cos I am not the only one holding
There's also the ones from whom I am sired.

Still I thank you for my little huge miracles
That make the days pass pleasant
And cushions to the falls
so the scrapes are distant
Help me be what you want me to be
A replica in the image of thee
so that I can manifest to me
The dreams that only I see

A typical Friday

7.00 am
Alarm Rings...

WTF?!!!!!!
Oh, damn. Stupid alarm
What time is it?
i still have two hours till class


7.45 am
I still have time
Why did I even wake up sef?

8.30 am ( Class is at 9.10)
Oh God. Please help me wake up
Oya Catwalq, lift your leg...
lift your....

8.45 am
Yeepa
Mo daran
Where is the toothpaste?
I have not even prayed
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
HUUUUUUUUUUUUU
May the Blessings Be
What will I wear o
Let me look out the window, is it sunny
Aaahh, I see people in multiple layers
Beige coat it is...illfitting but warm
Who on earth is in the bathroom at this time?
"Hey girl, what's up?....yeah, I am late...no take your time"
What kind of nonsense is this?
While she is glueing on her face let me lay out my outfit.
No can't wear this one...have put on weight
The button's off
I don't like the way the hem sits on my shoes
Not warm enough
T-shirt and Jeans it is....
"Oh you're out? thanks . be right there"
Where is my text book?
ok...I don't have one
Notebook I meant
Do I have any assignment?
Thank God, not today
Yeeeee, I have to finish my sketches for 2.00pm.....
Aaaaaarrrgh
Oya
What is the time
9 o'clock?
Well, class is at 9.10 so I have ten minutes to take a bath, curl my hair,get dressed and get downstairs, out and up the hill to class...
Where is the toothpaste?...I am going to bite this girl today
"Yo, you're supposed to cover the tube when you're done and why is the paste caking at the top?"
is this heiffer giggling?
Boya o ro pe mo n sere ni...nonsense!!!
brush, brush, brush, brush...where is the flat iron...brush, brush, brush, brush
this my face that looks like the surface of the moon
"Hun? .....Sure..."
Spit...aaaaaaaahhhhhh
Aveeno facial scrub
Maybe I should stop accepting poverty and just invest in proactive
Girl, you need to loose some weight. Stop wearing those corset tops, they are deceiving you
I will start my diet tomorrow
No, come to think of it, I have that thing in the morning
I will start on Sunday...oooh, have service
I will start on Monday so that it will be the beginning of the week and I will be disciplined.
Run the water for the shower.....aaaaaarrrrrggghhhh, I guess that's not the hot side


10.45 am
one, two, three, four
walk, walk, walk
men, I am so late, it's disgusting

11.15 am
Professor: ....so that is how you can manipulate smoke from refuse disposal into a public display of art. Using all we have discussed, the project is due on Friday
Catwalq: what project?
Professor: I do not acknowledge the presence of those who disrupt my class with lateness.
Catwalq: I am sor...
Professor: See you next week
Catwalq: Ugh!!! see yourself?

11.45
I am upset with myself
putting myself in that position where just anybody will be talking to me anyhow
I am going to go eat something

12.00
you know you should not be drinking sweet stuff
diet...diet...diet...
oh, I remember I am starting it on Monday so one little drink won't hurt
Ehen where is that bag of rendering pens?


1.50 pm (rushing to design class at 2.00)
oya comot for road if you cannot walk
who holds hands and lover-doveys in the street in winter?
these akata people sef
Dang girl, what is that on your head?
There's a brown girl in the ring tra lalalala
There's a brown girl in the ring tra lalalalalala
Oooooh, I want those pair of shoes
Wonder how much they cost...
EWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO u want to use your jalopy to kill me?
how will i tell people that I was hit by ambulance?
Were
Go and tell them am not home o?


3.00 Pm (browsing the internet in class)
hmnnn....20 comments....nyzeeeeeee
Professor: Ms Catwalq, would your housing be less dense or more dense?
Catwalq: hun? I am sorry? (chineke, was he talking to me all this time?) Please can you repeat the question?
Professor: On this campus would the housing be less dense or more dense?
Catwalq (which campus? which of the housing? think! Think!! Think!!!) uhhhhh, as dense.
Professor: Hun?
Class: hun?
Catwalq: It should be equal-equal
Professor: Okayeeeeee, any answers
(six hands go up)
Why did you not ask them first....
Let me play my mahjong jooo
I am about ready to start my weekend
Why has he not called?
I hate all this transatlantic loving men
my phone bill is in the pits
He has to call
let me flash him
yeah, i no dey shame o...011 ....
I definitely have to start my workouts
where is that my bellydancing DVD?
and my yoga DVD?
and my taebo DVD?
I need to find one and get serious
yeah, I am starting Monday and this time it's for real
When is this class going to be over?
I want to see that free movie men...yeah broke chick's in the house
Eeeehhh it looks like I am really going to be in the house today
It is raining ke?
Ooooh-ooooh
me I am not going anywhere o
Olorun ma je
with this demonic icy rain in this place
i want some tea
yeah, hot lime tea and plenty sugar


6.30 pm
you are almost home
just a few more steps
you're almost home
*shiver*
*shiver*
why could I not have applied to a school in California or Florida
Maybe earthquake would have carried my class away
Or hurricanes
Mba, winter it is

7.00 pm
Scrubs
ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba (those that know the JD song know what I am singing here)
ooooh what is this template on BimbyLads blog?
let me try and change my own

8.00 pm
MO GBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have deleted my blog

8.05 pm
*phew* false alarm
all these yeye free sturves on the internet to mess up my evening

9.00 pm
Good night
No more energy for a fight.

11.30 pm
I am hungry
where is that ice cream?

An ode to Jenny...from Bimbylads book

Thanks to Bimbylads for the inspiration...

I am not angry.
I am numb.
I am not feeling anything.
I don't think I can or will ever more.
Why are you asking me to look at you?
What do you think I will see?
Other than the one who has taken my trust and brought me to my knees.
What is her name?
Why her?
What does she have that I don't?
Does her mind produce the words that you claimed seduced you so?
Or is it a lack of her ability to do that that you sought in the first place?
Does her skin rise at the sound of your voice like mine does?
Do her hips match the oscillation of yours in a fierce dance of desire?
Do her lips part to paint the night with sounds of pain that only pleasure can provide?
Does she make your whole being slam to a screaming halt?
Do her nails make the scratches that you so like to admire like badges of a night well spent?
What does she have?
What does she smell like?
Jasmine? Citrus? Silken sheets?
What does she taste like?
What does she have?
Does she drop all she is doing to rush home to bring you the report that you were reminded time and time again to take with you but inadvertently you forgot?
Does she spend time pouring through recipes to create dishes from places you have never been but you imagine that upon eating them you will go?
Does she hold you when the attacks come? When your own body works against you to deprive you the freedom of air?
Doe she hold you in the night when nightmares terrorize your dreams? And say not a word even though she knows you will never admit to the fears that plague your night?
Has she met your mother? That witch that was sent by the devils and trained by his demons to make my life a living hell?
Has she met that woman from whom I have hidden all your failures and up to whom you will never speak in my favour?
Has she met the woman who begrudges me her lack of a grandson when three beautiful princesses glorify our home?
Has she met your drunken brother whose filthy paws constantly grab at my breasts like they belong to him and whose alcoholism you defend and expose our children to?
Has she met your family members to whom you will not confess the true state of our finances but are quick to give them all their heart's desires while I have to sell off one inheritance after the other?
Has she met that good for nothing human waste, Kalu, you call a best friend? I am sure she has. He probably introduced the two of you.
What does she look like?
Who is she?
Is she as stupid as I for staying with you all this time? Praying each day that maybe the man I fell in love in will be the one to return to me from his hard day's work?
So, what do you plan to do with her?
Is she to replace me?
Why?
What have I done wrong?
What have I not given you?
My heart? I gave it to you. I don't think you remember what you did with it
My life? I don't know what it is without being miserable with you.
My body? It bears the scars of carrying your seed three times. Of receiving your seed a million times. Irrespective of if I was in the mood or not.
Why are you asking me to look at you when you are not answering my questions?
Why are you telling me this?
You did not tell me before you went to her. Before you thrust into her body that part of you, you used to say was mine.
Was it ever?
Why are you getting angry at my questions?
Do I look angry to you?
*laughs and shakes head*
Why are you looking like that?
Why are you holding your stomach?
What is wrong with you?
Oh, you better answer my questions.
Cos I am not getting up from here until you do.
And there is no way you will get to the hospital on time.
Why are you looking at me like that?
You thought I did not know what you were planning to tell me tonight?
Do I look stupid to you?
I guess I must cos I am amazed you did not know that I knew
Well dear, I always did.
Stop gasping like that...you will wake the kids.
Yeah, those chemicals will do that to you.
It's so funny how selfish you have become.
You don't even realise that we have not eaten together in years.
You don't even notice that I do not eat when you eat because you creep up in here at the most God-awful hours of the day.
Well, sweetie...you better start talking.
I am not sure how much longer you have.
You see, I am stupid.
I did not read the warnings on the label

So cos I temporary have my profs camera...

So I was tired of eating.... (yeah, am an ungrateful heiffer at times)



So i went and got out...

the yam


chopped peppers and onions




corned beef



seasoning


and came up with
Washed down with

Then instead of repeating that the next day, I decided I wanted some fake pounded yam and ewedu

So I burst out the frozen package of ewedu and shoved it in the blender

Put water on fire (and some blended crayfish and seasoning in the ewedu)




and warmed some of the old fish stew


So my okele making skills still have a long way to go...this is at the beginning o before some of you start making noise



But if you put the saucer (or whatever you use to scoop the meal) in hot water and pat the whole thing down after it's all done, u end up with...


So all in all
Rice+ stew+ fish+dodo= A-
Yam + Corned Beef Stew = A+
Fake Pounded Yam= C+
Ewedu= A+
Fake Pounded Yam + Ewedu= B-
Catwalq after eating all this food = quite useless

And thru it all my sink was....



Please feel free to make yourself a plate....

Cleanliness is next to Catwalq

When I was a little girl, my mother would shake her head in despair at the state of my room. The room I shared with my younger brother always seemed to have an invisible wall with his side spotting the made bed and my side a postcard image for a cyclone disaster.

I also promised myself never to become my mother who had sponges for everything (sponge for tumblers was not to be mixed with the one for plates and those, God forbid, must never be mixed with the one intended for the gas cooker...) and napkins for every occasion. She is clean to a fault.

Flash forward to today and I am my mother. I have to make my bed before I leave. My closet must be arranged and be able to shut. My drawers are neat and arranged. My kitchen must be spotless and so must my bathroom be. My books and reading materials, not so much so but everything does have some sort of order.
The problem: I have a suitemate.

Maybe it is just me but I don't care what kind of weave you have but if it is shedding like a mongrel, it really should not be on your head.

You have to learn to clean your toilet at least once a week. For boys, that might not be a serious issue but if you are spotting a vagina or intend to stick something of yours in one, the toilet must be paid attention to

Once you are older than eleven, I don't see why anyone should have to remind you to do your dishes. It makes the kitchen smell, breeds roaches and is a burden on your roommates

No matter how pretty you are, if you cannot keep a home clean and you intend to validate your existence through marriage, you might be unpleasantly surprised to find that even though your husband has armed you with an army of paid staff, they do not respect you and neither does he. Also, chances are that you will breed another species of dirty people just like you.

Everyone should have . Lysol with bleach. It is man's gift to those who cannot scrub the tub after a shower (which you should do to avoid stains and discolorations). All you have to do is spray the tub down, go put on your body lotion, come back and rinse it down and go off to your day.

As you cook, clean up. That way, when you are done the kitchen does not look like something horrible happened and we need to send for CSI

Cleanliness is next to Godliness. If your body is a temple for God, should the place within which you place this said temple not be worthy of it?

I am trying not to get fatigued by the experience of a girl who is using her body like a woman but refusing to keep her home (or suite which we share) like one. It makes me feel like I am thirty and more to be obsessing over the fact that there is hair in the sink, foundation stains on the counter top and spilled food in the fridge....I don tire o my people.

Brave Ones and Lost Ladies.

So I was avoiding my homework and gallivanting about blogville when I found this.

I was immediately flashed back to when I was in secondary school and one of my classmates told me about a family she knew that was being torn apart.

Apparently the family was of one of the elders in her church. The son of this family whom I will call Brave One had fallen in love and decided to marry this girl whom we shall call Lost Lady. What was the fuss about? Well you see, Lost Lady, whilst in her youth had experimented and been about town quite a number of times. And she had been a student at the government college where my classmate's father had been the principal (that's how she even knew Lost Lady who had been suspended and reprimanded so many times, it was unbelievable)



So in any case, Lost Lady had lost her way, painted the town red, been expelled and left the place for Lagos. There, she also shook the third mainland bridge and rotated the island. Then one day, she met Brave One and calmed down. He knew her past because they had been classmates or something of the sort. He did not care. Together, they built a relationship that everyone was against from the very beginning.

The whole thing exploded when Brave One returned home to this same town that they all came from (and where she had schooled) to announce that he had asked Lost Lady to be his wife and she had said yes. Brave One was promptly disowned by his father with the option of a return only when the relationship was terminated. The poor guy asked them to kiss his derriere, went on to marry the chick and have a beautiful baby boy.

So now, Little Brave One is about two years old (at the time I am hearing the story), the family is split because siblings are taking sides, community is talking, my classmate's father who is most respected has been called to intervene ( Methinks Brave One is the only son...or something) etc.

This whole time my friend is talking, the group is all ears and chipping in "Ehn-ehn", "for real?" and "can you imagine?" where necessary. I am more intrigued by the fact that she (my friend) is not in support of the union and the fact that the parents of the boy are leaders in their church.
It just so happened that I heard the story after a marathon of religious discussion where the general consensus was that my choice of faith was going to lead me to a fiery pit and only a conversion to theirs was going to change my sorry fate.

I asked ' So, she cannot get a second chance?"
The conversation stalled. Then immediately sprang up with responses that were along the lines of "But look at all she has done...." Apparently, she used to date older men, smoke, sleep around, bail out of school, steal...anything you can think a misguided chick can do in her teens.

After reading Seun's post as well as a few others that I have perused in the past 48 hours, I was once again wearied by the knowledge of the standards that society places on my sex. A misguided woman can never find redemption. A misguided man defines redemption. A sexually aware/ liberated woman has a permanent apartment in the devil's condominium complex. Well, wasn't a man built to be depositing his gifts all around?...I mean, walk down any Lagos street and they are there spraying the walls of public property with their ammonia laden gifts and a woman who does the same has to hide behind bushes that might give her a horrible itch.

The most judgemental are also the most religious. It doesn't matter the faith. I have met some Eckists too that have caused me to blanch at their ignorance...but every soul is entitled to their level of consciousness.

This girl needed a second chance. She had made mistakes with the decisions she had taken. She was lucky, she found a man who was willing to help her rebuild her life. Whether he later fell to the pressure of his family of emotionally blackballed her into subservience by lauding her past over her head remained to be seen but at the time of the story, he was the Brave One.
His family did not see his decision to stand by this woman as strength but as a sign of his weakness to his lust or her use of some charms over him.

The church had banned the couple because they were seen as immoral. And so did most people who heard the story. She and so many women have never been given a chance to rise back to their glory because the society is hypocritical whereas Alamiesiegha or what ever his name was given a return party after he returned from his brief incarceration. His errs most likely has cost many a family their livelihood and happiness, many a youth their dream and our nation her dignity but hey, he is man and Lost Lady a demonic incarnate.

Men, one day you will meet a lost lady. Be brave enough to love her and give her a chance. I am sure that is all she needs to find her way. Women like that are usually always reliant on men for direction and validation so your support will be the nudge that she lost her way to find.

Ladies, let's give our sisters a break. Any one of us could be her.

Is it just me....

Or has blogville suddenly become lethargic?
There are very few attention grabbing posts out there and all those blogs that kept us riveted through the summer lie dormant, neglected or ravaged by the scourge of malicious anonymous commentaries.
I guess, all we have to do is wait and see what will come of this. Like life, there is never a vacuum but there are always periods of inactivity.
For my brethren who are still fighting the good fight and blessing us with the benefit of the eloquence of their blogs or those who have found a way to seduce our minds, bodies and hearts with their piercing words and sensual oration, I say keep it up. Like all things Naija, we still full ground.

So, Catwalq is back from her trip and trying to get her life and studies back on track.
She is also trying not to pine too much for that certain someone who has laid siege to Catwalq's senses and cell phone minutes.
She feels invigorated and ready to spring back to action...if she will just sit her pretty derriere down and do the work.
She is trying to manage her new job.
She is working on a master plan for the new Botswana International University of Science and Technology...which though might not get built, could very well help secure her an internship
She is trying to coax herself to work out...cos he plays soccer every Friday and there is no way she is going to be upstaged when he unleashes himself on her.
She is happy and grateful for that as that has seemed to elude her for a while.
She feels very optimistic about all the great things about to happen.
She is trying to manage curling her weave every morning...she is getting better at avoiding her ear lobes and forehead (hot metal is a biatch).
She is going to do her homework now cos it is past 12.00 midnight and she has done not a thing.

From Minneapolis with love...

Just got back
Lightheaded and cleansed
Made the connection
Heard the message
Asked for a sign
And u delivered
So I have returned
With a message of change
In this Year of Blessing
Give love to all life
Check out some pics from my trip.
And my latest with Tammy

CATWALQ ACADEMIE IV

(JSS3X STUDENTS UNDER PUNISHMENT ON THE ASSEMBLY GROUND)

30+: I don't know what I did to offend God but he really needs to forgive me immediately.

Princessa: My sister, my sister, my sister

Waffarian: Chei, how am i supposed to start going back to Warri this night?

Ugo D: Why are we always in trouble every day? Me I am tired o

Boorish: *laughing hysterically*

30+: What is this one problem now?

Waffarian: His own has not yet worn off

Ugo D: I am so fucking upset.

Jeremy Naija Blog: You can say that again...why are we out here and the others aren't?

Geisha: They are all in the sick bay. And senior Bimbylads said she is not releasing us unless we confess

Waffarian: If I had known, I for bin join them ehn. At least I would have enjoyed some part of this.

Jeremy: Look here, these knees were not built for this type of punishment. This is unjust! This is inhumane! This is....!

Boorish: Oyinbo, abeg quiet before I brush you. Don't explode my brain joo. *bursts into laughter*

Geisha: Hey God oooooo, what is all this?

30+: my mother is going to kill me

Princess: my mummy that told me that if I got into any more trouble she will shave my head

Ugo D: I think gorimapa is going to be quite in vogue for most of us

Geisha: se if it was only shaving of our heads that will be okay, we might get suspended.

Waffarian: If catch that useless Anonymous, I am going to rearrange her front teeth.

Ugo D: I think her fall down the stairs already beat you to it.

30+: Me, I am going to use grass to braid her hair

Boorish: *almost rolling on the floor* Please wait...I can't breathe. *pauses* wait, what are talking about?

Ugo D: Yo Boor, u might want to go drink some water or something...or be quiet.

Boor: (leaning over and putting his arm around Ugo's shoulder) I love you man.

Geisha: We are finished.


IN THE SICK BAY

Nurse Lighty: Eees you!!! Get down from that buglary proof now!!!

D.O.G: monkeeeeeeeee! Monkeeeeee!


Yosh: (singing) it's a beautiful daaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy

Toyintomato: Orobokibo....ki bo rocky. yeah men, yeah men. dat yeye woman. come and went and went and went

Atutupoyoyo: and went where?

Toyintomato: Hehn? wharrautalginhabout?

Atutupoyoyo: I didn't know you had a twin, what is she doing here?

Toyintomato: hehn?

AtutuP: There's two of you

Nurse Sparkle: Jisoz!!! Get up! Stop That! see this useless girl pissing on the floor

Overwhelmed: oops

Idemmili: Dude, look I have four boobs

Ubong Da: yeah

Idemmili: That's my arse silly

Ubong Da: Looks like boobs to me

Idemmili: Everything looks like boobs to me

Yosh: I like boobs. can I have yours?

Idemmili: No

Yosh: Why?

Idemmili: cos...cos...(pauses and thinks) cos I lost them

Ubong Da: yeah.... I miss them, they were nice

Toyintomato: Atutu, se you like me

Atutu: of course... I like all three of you

Toyintomato: Yes....ehn?

FineBoy: Kpakpa is a fine girl, eeyah eeyah oooooo

Kpakpando: (giggling)

Omodudu (lying very still)

LOOKING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW

Jaja: I don't know whether to laugh or cry

Solomonsydelle: We are in serious trouble. We can't go back to class or we will have to serve punishment. We can't go in, cos they will carry us with them

36 Inches...: What happened sef?

Jaja: I don't even know.

Solomonsydelle: It's that useless Anonymous o. She brought this drink to class and gave it to everyone to drink.

36 Inches...: and then? so is it now alcohol that is doing them like this?

Jaja: I have a feeling there was something else in that keg

36 Inches...: Haba!!! Keg ke? Where did she find it

Solomonsydelle: me, i know? That trouble maker. That's how she was spreading rumours that time and made people to be fighting

(Nwanyi Ocha, Taurean Minx Olawunmi appear)

Nwanyi: You!!!

Jaja/Solomonsydelle/36: Senior me?

Nwanyi: No, my twin sister....Msstssststhw!!! What happened?

Jaja: I...I...erm...

Olawunmi: Young man, choose your words wisely

Solomonsydelle: I think some of the class might have, probably, supposedly, kind of , in a way were sort of ...

Taurean Minx: Is the end of your sentence and the point the same thing?

Nwanyi Ocha: maybe if i slap all your three heads together, you will wake up and start talking

Olawunmi: Are you not in the same class as the Ghana-must-go dudes?

Taurean Minx: His name is Fine Boy....(Olawunmi raises his eyebrows)

Nwanyi Ocha: One more time, what happened? Kpakpando was involved?

36: I am not in the class...I was not there

Nwanyi: Then be silent!

Jaja: They got hold of some funny liquid and most of the class drank it

Olawunmi: How "funny" is funny?

Taurean Minx: I mean, someone bit Mrs. Somebody...

Olawunmi: Who was it?

Jaja: I believe it was Toyintomato.

36: Why? (realising)...am very sorry.

Jaja: Apparently, she felt that Mrs. Somebody was shouting at her husband too much so she jumped from her chair and bit the teacher.

Taurean Minx: (trying not to laugh) And who is this her husband?

Solomonsydelle: Atutupoyoyo.

Olawunmi: I am tired of this class. Everytime I am summoned by the proprietor, I have to come sort something you have done out. I think all the miscreants are in this class

Nwanyi Ocha: I am going to beat that stupid Kpakpa until she can't see straight. Now her mother is going to be shouting that I am not taking care of her daughter. How am I supposed to help it that her daughter is prone to mango tree climbing, Ghana-must-go shipments and alcohol consumption? You know she had to be chased down by two teachers? they caught her when she tried to climb the fence. She was so high she was just jumping in the air,she could not find the wall

Olawunmi: I have a bloody headache

IN THE SICKBAY

Nurse Lighty: Overwhelmed, sit still

Overwhelmed: There are seven continents in the world

Nurse Lighty: (sarcastically) No shit

Overwhelmed: Yes...and you have sweaty armpits

Nurse Lighty: (Thinking) I don't think anyone will suspect if I just give this girl pain killers

Fine Boy: Kpakpando, you are very pretty. I am just lawling, anytime i see you. Just lawling

Kpankpando: lawl, lawl, lawl

Omodudu: (lying very still) I think the fan is trying to run away

Yosh: I like fans. Can I have that one?

Idemmili: Do my boobs look like fans?

Ubong Da: yes...all three of them


So I will be out till Sunday. enjoy and please feel free to leave your comments

OCT 15 2007: BLOG ACTION FOR THE ENVIRONMENT

I ask you my dear friends, what can we do to help our environment?
I think I can help by not adding to its destruction.

I pledge to do what I can to be a positive contributor to this earth. It has been a gift to me by my maker and my care if it will be my gift to him.

Let's be kind to each other and be kind to this land.

Let's take a stand. If we loose the land, what do we have left?

FRIDAY AT LAST

I have survived the week. By Tuesday, I was not sure I would. I had the Introductory Talk on Eckankar on Wednesday (the post it inspired I guess was not well received, cos I am thinking most people think I am weird. Nothing new.)

Was able to get some sleep. Somehow managed to feed even though I am running on an account red. Even managed somehow to be happy about the whole situation.

I am in class. About five minutes to go and it (the class) has disintegrated with each passing minute culminating in a near exchange of words between the professor and a fellow classmate. I am all for speaking your mind and holding on to your principles but it is going to take some undue harassment for me to raise my voice at my professor, especially if the project was not executed as requested. This is not the first time I have witnessed a student talk back.
I have had my work torn apart so terribly, I am still wondering how come I am in my fourth year because if the review I got had been an indication, I would have repeated the class.
Design is subjective. The professors are always biased but at the end of the day, the points they make out weigh their prejudices.

I am not going out this weekend. I have too much work. I am going to Minneapolis for the Eck Worldwide Seminar on Wednesday and so all projects due before then, I have to complete. This is one of those times I am grateful that I am more or less a loner. Imagine if I had to cater to the needs of that significant someone, my needy friends etc.

I wish everyone a great weekend. I am exhausted but I still raise my arms to hug you.

Academie IV on the way....

Dreams: A key to your spiritual destiny

This post was inspired by comments made and shared with Unbiased.

An interviewer once asked me why I had put "sleeping" down as one of my interests. I told him it was because when I slept, I dreamt and when I dreamt, I went places. I did things. Saw things. Lived a bit more. I was stronger, braver, happier and more free; qualities that I felt I needed to develop to survive in my creative career path of architecture. I don't know if he agreed with me because at the end of the day, I did not get the job but then again, I had not seen it in my dream that I would so I let it go until the one that was for me came along.

Most times, when I tell people of my faith, I either get an immediate flurry of questions aimed at discrediting my choice or they make the assumption that I am in it simply because I was born into the faith. No. I had been given many chances while growing up to change my faith. In fact, Islam is the registered faith on my birth certificate. However, I have chosen to remain an Eckist because I have tested its principles against my life and they have been to my liking. One of such principles is the study of my dreams.

I really like those ads that come up on television where some person tells you that they can help you find solutions to your life by helping you to interprete your dreams. That intrigues me greatly because I know for a fact that my dreams can only be read by me because over the years of documenting my dreams - I keep what is called a dream journal; a book into which I write whatever it is I remember about the dreams I have- I have been able to pick up enough signs and symbols that apply just to me.

Mostly my dreams tell me what is to happen in advance.

I graduated from secondary school in 2001. It took me three years to get into the university. I did not want to school in the country. From an early age, I sensed I was different and that if I was not careful, the environment I was in would crush that and make me just a generic individual- not that that is bad, but if that is not what you want, that can be horrible- so I did all I could to try and get out of the country. When I started my plans, I wanted to go to the United States. My family possessed neither the money nor the connections to make that happen. I tried for a scholarship. I failed Jamb twice; once because I couldn't be bothered and the second time because I refused to pay the invigilator. My mother sold her only land to pay for A levels, which I failed as well (yeah I know I am one of those kids). It was still good enough to apply to university in South Africa and I began the process.

It was taking forever so I figured I was going nowhere. My father was not even for the idea. His dreams had been shattered long ago and he had developed the survivor's habit of dreaming just within your reach. I put in my application for OAU to study architecture. With my A level grades, I was accepted into advance placement - Year 2. I began to make arrangements to settle down nicely in my fatherland. Maybe, my first sojourn to the white man's land would be as a tourist...much better sef than stressing over school.

Then I had a dream. I was walking on the roof of a building. I was carrying a little girl and holding the hand of a little boy. Ahead of me was a man, lugging a suitcase and a huge bag. I looked down from where I was and there were many people in coloured shirts milling around. I could not make out their faces or where I was. When I woke up, I was so freaked out because I thought I was seeing myself with my children. The man, whom I did not recognise, was much older and I knew definitely that I was not older in the dream than I was in real life. I thought it meant that if I continued on the same path as I was with one of my guy friends, I was bound to get pregnant -hence the kids. I started to avoid the boy like a plague. Because God knew that my agro-ed adolescent body was just a ticking time bomb.


Flash forward almost eight months. I have arrived in the United States after a whirlwind of activities- got my 1-20 when one yeye man who does not know his own name told me I wouldn't get one, got my visa in one try and got the last economy seat on the plane. My cousin whom I had never met, picked me up from the airport and took me to school. I was left to check in and he went to get his kids. When he came back, he had with him my suitcase, my brand new bedding set purchased from Target (which I thought was the bomb and still do), his three year old daughter and six year old step son. Because we got into the east wing of the dorm and not the west, where my room was, we were shown a linking bridge between the two buildings via the roof. I carried the little girl and took the boy's hand cos he looked like he was about to try some spider man tactics and fly off the roof. My cousin walked ahead with my things. As we crossed the roof, I suddenly had the urge to look down. The student organisations in their coloured shirts were singing and dancing and passing out water, trying to get the freshman hyped. I nearly passed out when I realised that I was looking at my dream. Then it became clear why the school was familiar and why out of three colleges applied to, it was the only one to give me admission.

Over a year later, this same cousin hit me repeatedly in a fit of anger and threw my things out of his house in the middle of the night - a story for another day. As he hit me, the only name I could shout was that of my spiritual guide. Luckily, the bruises were emotional and mental. I was not shocked by what he had done. I had seen it in a dream weeks before that he had hit. I had "cancelled" it with my spiritual exercises but still it happened. For many reasons. One, I had become complacent since my arrival in the states. I wasn't doing my spiritual exercises as dedicatedly and unknowingly had become a financial burden on him; a burden that neither he nor I had foreseen nor one that he felt capable to accomodate. He was stressed. He lost his temper. I swore that the next time a man raises his hand against me, I am prepared to die defending myself because like all things controversial, his family brushed it aside and asked me why I had angered him.

The next time I would see him, I was prepared in the dream state. I was to go to my aunt's house on xmas eve and take her out to go see "Memoirs of a Geisha". I saw him in the dream and for the first time in months of seeing him or his family members, I refused to run away but stood and faced him. He could not say anything to me in the dream. My aunt called to warn me the next day that he had just called her to tell her that he was coming to her house. I told her I already knew. She was shocked. I did not elaborate. She told me that there was to be a dinner at his house and if I wanted to come. I said no. I had been warned in my dream not to go. She went. There was an arguement. He hit her, broke her leg when she slid in the ice, knocked her older sister who had jumped in to break the scuffle and frightened her little boy.

This and many other things unrelated to him have been shown to me in the dream state. I don't have to go to any priest or spiritual leader to see what is to happen to me, what I need to do or what I need to stop doing because I will always know. Dreams are for me, my most direct link with Holy Spirit. I have learned that from being an Eckist.

You in your individual faiths can learn that too. Your dreams are an indicator of your inner and outer life. Chances are that if you remember and acknowledge your dreams, you are a spiritually aware soul and can easily pick up on signs that come your way from Holy Spirit both when you are awake and asleep.

Yoruba's say " Ala go" which means "Dreams are useless". I disagree. Study yours and you too might do the same.

PAST LIVES, DREAMS & SOUL TRAVEL

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO AN OPEN DISCUSSION ON PAST LIVES, DREAMS AND SOUL TRAVEL

EXPLORE TECHNIQUES TO BRING HAPPINESS AND HARMONY INTO YOUR LIFE.

VENUE: HOWARD UNIVERSITY ARMOUR J BLACKBURN CENTER
TIME: 7.00- 8.30 PM
DATE: WEDNESDAY, OCT 10TH 2007

COME FIND ANSWERS TO SUCH QUESTIONS AS:

* WHAT DO MY DREAMS MEAN TO MY PHYSICAL LIFE?

* ARE OUR STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES EVIDENCE THAT WE HAVE LIVED BEFORE?

* HOW CAN I CREATE A BALANCE IN MY SPIRITUAL LIFE AND MY PHYSICAL LIFE?

FOR MORE INFO VISIT www.eckankar.org

I am 23 today....Oct 4th

So, like 23 years ago on this day; a thursday I think and at 5.00 am in the morning, I arrived on earth, disoriented and exhausted.

Since deciphering that the worn out woman inspecting my limbs was my mother, the man who was scared to carry me was responsible for my arrival and that he intended to follow up on his performance with a male child whom I would try unsuccessfully to send back, I can comfortably say that at 23 I have been blessed with the best of experiences.

My tears have been the best.

My laughter has been the best.

My journeys have been the best.

My friends ( the real ones) have been the best.

My dreams have been the best...for me.



I am 23. Officially. Today. Oct 4th.It sounds odd.

Have homework to do.

NIGERIA DEAREST (even though I missed the submissions deadline)

NIGERIA: Catwalq, why the long face? You should be up on the dance floor...It's my birthday. c'mon, get off your arse

CATWALQ: I am sorry I don't feel like dancing. Happy birthday by the way.

NIGERIA: Why are you acting this way? First you deserted me and when you return, you cannot even join me in simple celebration? Look at all the important people here....

CATWALQ: I am sorry if you thought I deserted you. That was never my plan.

NIGERIA: So where did you go?

CATWALQ: I went to train with your friend, U.S

NIGERIA: That stupid bitch. She takes everything I own.

CATWALQ: You let her.

NIGERIA: Excuse you? Who are you talking to like that? Have you forgotten all your home training? Or when did you start disrespecting your elders?

CATWALQ: *sigh* I am sorry that you are offended. But I am not lying.

NIGERIA: Who are you raising your voice at?

CATWALQ: *exasperated* You know what, I don't know why I am even keeping silent. What is all this? This parade of hypocrisy.

NIGERIA: Catwalq, if you are not here to have fun, then I suggest you return to US. She can give you what she always has to keep you brainwashed against me. I was celebrating the return of another one of my daughters only to find out that she spites me.

CATWALQ: I do not spite you. I am just irritated with you. You are 47 for goodness sakes. When are you going to stop pretending you are in your twenties and still young. Look at you. Your skin is terrible; your weave needed to have been left in the seventies where it belongs, come to think of it, so also do your clothes....

NIGERIA: *spluttering*

CATWALQ: Look at the useless people celebrating on your birthday. Where are those who love you? They are not here. They are working hard to make the money to foot the bills and expenses of this party. Where are your sons and daughters? The ones whom you birthed on the night that creativity came to visit. Where are they? if they have not had the creativity stripped from them, they have been exiled to foreign and distant lands where they exist as second class citizens.

NIGERIA: I DID NOT SEND THEM AWAY. WHEN I NEEDED THEM WHERE WERE THEY? THEY LEFT ME! THEY LEFT ME!

(Ministers, senators and lawmakers approach.The music dies down)
Ministers : What is going on here? Young Lady, what is the problem?

CATWALQ: I am speaking to my mother. It is non of your business. Go back to what you know how to do....eating and drinking...draining my mother dry.

NIGERIA: No daughter of mine talks like that

CATWALQ: When she has had it up to here, she does. Why can't you see how ridiculous you are right now?

Senators: Look here young woman, we are going to ask you to leave. You are not her only child here. If you cannot be respectful, you will have to leave

CATWALQ: *laughs without mirth* Don't worry, I am already gone. But not for long. I will return and if it is only one of her houses that I can clean out, I will get rid of every last one of your thieving selves

NIGERIA: Catwalq, you are making a scene. How can you talk to them like that? Do you know that they are working day-in-day-out to help preserve mother's worth?

CATWALQ: I must have missed the memo because the only thing I see them do is haul tables and chairs at each other in the name of lobbying. the only time they come to a consensus is when money has to be distributed...illicitly.

NIGERIA: *gasps* CATWALQ!!!

CATWALQ: Kini? Ma a mi, e fi mi sile o.

NIGERIA: *very sad* You were one of my great prides. What happened to you?

CATWALQ: The same thing that happened to all your other children. When you whored for the white man, we bore it in silent shame. Until we could bear it no more and we had to get them out. But did we really?

Your finances are in a shit hole. Your kids come out of schools; schools that are by the way under equipped to provide them with resources for them to harness their talents to the best of their abilities, and they cannot find jobs. You daughters till today have no laws protecting their rights and identities and neither do their children. Some are using religion to oppress others. The traditions you relied on are now considered foul and absolute. Look at this, I try to talk to you and you immediately go on the defensive. You need to see your face on international news: if you are not stealing and defrauding, you are prostituting and killing. Do you even know how many of you children have died in the Niger Delta or are you content to have these bloody barawos simply leech of you, your precious resources and use none of it for your offspring?

NIGERIA: I hear you doing alot of talking. What have you done for me? What fight have you ever fought? All I have done, I have had to do for you...for all of you. I am doing my best. I need you to come and help me.

CATWALQ: I will return to you but I cannot live with you as you are.

NIGERIA: Oh, so now you have lived with US and now I am no longer good enough for you?

CATWALQ: You have always been the best for me...but right now, I cannot allow your grandchildren to see you as you are. It will be too damaging for them.

Lawmakers: so after you have messed up this party, what are you going to do? We are not responsible for the actions of all her children. We don't tell them to rob and steal from each other. We don't tell them to be dirty and bring diseases on each other. Even when one of you comes to help, they will destroy it after a while. We do the best we can but you children are not helping yourself. You will rather plot to destroy your fellow human being out of spite and envy than for you to see how you too can achieve what can be yours.

CATWALQ: what do you mean, you are not responsible? you are entrusted with the care and management of our mother. You exploit her and you think her children don't look at that and assume that it is okay to do the same. I mean, when have you ever rewarded any of her children for doing the right thing? Yet you pat yourselves on the back for a job well done looting the family wealth? You are disgusting!

Senators: You are messing up the party. Sisi Naija, don't mind her. Come and dance jare. Look at her, she has not a dime to her name. What can she do for you?

NIGERIA: But...

Ministers: The senators are right. She is all talk. We are the movers and shakers. Just come with us and we will take good care of you.

CATWALQ: Mama, no. Stay a while with me. Let us talk. Tell me where it is hurting you. I will push with some of your other children and we will get you the medicines and care you need. We can heal you. Together we can try and once you start getting better, you will see, all your children will be better able to figure out how to get you where you need to go and keep you there. Then when US and Europe want to see you, they will be the ones having to jump through hoops. You are young. 47 is by no means old. Don't you know that 50 is the new 30?

NIGERIA: I don't know. The senators are calling me. They said they will give me new aso-oke to wear.

CATWALQ: Here, take my clothes.

NIGERIA: *gasps* put your clothes back on now! Are you crazy? What is wrong with you? How can you walk around naked.

Senators & Ministers: Wow, what did you say your name was again? Why didn't you say you had all these skills? You want to heal your mother? Come with me. Goodness child. so ripe.

CATWALQ: Mother, you say I have never fought any wars. I am trying to fight one now. I am standing before you in the flesh you gave me upon my birth. Take my hand. Let us return to your throne and help u heal. Come with me. Some of your children are waiting at the other house. We are trying to clean it bit by bit. Please come with me. Come and fight alongside your children. Together, we can cleanse your kingdom of all these parasites and ne'er-do-wells. Take my hand.

Lawmakers: Sisi Naija, come and have your picture taken with the Junior officer from the US Senate.

CATWALQ: That's not even the president. Mother come with me. You deserve better.

NIGERIA: Just one picture and I will be back. I have to be courteous to my guests.

CATWALQ: What about your children. We need you.

NIGERIA: I am coming

Senators: You can leave or you can stay. Your mother is busy. Here is my card. call me if you need anything.

E wa jeun o......

I have no classes today. So I got up very late and made myself some yams and fish stew.




Then I am going to watch........
*Sigh* the weekend has begun and I am already tired. Have so much work to do, it's alarming.

Trying to hold my head above water...

I just saw Raise The Red Lantern. Zhang Yimou has my heart and imagination in the palm of his hand and he does not even know it. Film for me is therapy and torment. There is nothing more consuming for me to immerse myself in the characters I watch and connect with and nothing more dousing than to have the credits roll and have to climb back out into the reality of my life.

Since I was a child, I lived in scenes. It can be a blessing and a burden when you have an overactive imagination. You are quick to trust...to believe and quick to hurt. Because there is nothing more distabilising than opening your eyes from a scene that your thoughts and senses have created in your mind to a reality that is so far removed from where you are coming.

Imagination is extremely hard to share. Especially when you live in a society such as a Nigerian one where, most people have lost that ability since childhood all in the quest for survival. Depression is not too distant from the creative mind. It is simply because no one but you can see what you see, can feel what you feel.

I sometimes sit in panicked solitude wondering if these characters I create, these ambitions I strive for and these words that only I hear will never manifest beyond the realms of my mind. What will I do if I cannot become what I want to become? Will I accept the simple gift of my imagination or will I wonder in anguish why my maker would choose to torment me with the possibilities that are not mine to have?

I love my life...or rather, I am greatful for it. What I have, where I've been and whom I've known; some would kill for the chance. Still I could/can be and have more. It is the dream of "more" that drives me each day. The knowledge that I can create my own happiness and be more than just a numbered record of a birth and death when the time comes.

I don't need accolades. I just want to be able to face Him when I am done and say "Sir, with the gifts you gave me and with the opportunities for love and service you placed before me, these are the things I did in your name."

But when the things that I want to do elude me and I have built a relationship with Him that works in the way that only the things that are mine to have come my way, how do I keep going?

This is why people should not stay up for three days straight and try to blog. You start talking some dumb assed shit, imagining yourself to be reflective. If your child tells you she/he wants to be an architect/blogger/designer/writer, have them email me....

SOC (SAVE OUR CATWALQ)...make I no carry F9 o

Who can help me get pictures and/or the master plan of any one of the following UNIs?
I need pics of the senate house (where the VC stays/ main admin), the front gate and student union....

1. UNILAG
2. UNIBEN
3. OAU
4. UI


Please.......!!!!!!

If not, keep on reading... Academie is below

Catwalq Academie III

8.00 am
Unnaked: (knocks)
Omodudu: come in
Unnaked: Excuse me senior, please I am looking for Senior Fineboy.
Omodudu: Fine Boy!!!
Fine Boy: Mmn-hmn?
Omodudu: Person dey fyne u
Fine Boy: Yes?
Unnaked: Excuse me senior...
FineBoy: Yes?
Unnaked: Senior Baba Alaye said I should call you.
Fine Boy: Say what?
Unnaked:I said Seni...
FineBoy: I heard you. What does he want?
Unnaked: I did not ask him senior.
FineBoy: Where is he?
Unnaked: At the back of Senior Rec
FineBoy: okay, go and tell him you did not see me in class but that you left a message.
Unnaked: But...but
FineBoy: Are you deaf?
Unnaked: No senior
FineBoy: now get out.
Unnaked: yes senior. thank you senior.
(Unnaked exits hurriedly)
Omodudu: what was that all about?
FineBoy: I am finished!
Omodudu: Why, what happened?
FineBoy: The fada wants me
Omodudu: uh, u mean Baba Alaye?
FineBoy: (looks at him in an are-u-serious? way) who else?
Omodudu: dang, what are u going to do?
FineBoy: Omo, I have been posting the guy since yesterday. he has been looking for me.
Omodudu: Please don't tell me, it's what I think it is...
FineBoy: Please don't lecture me
Omodudu: Did we not warn you about Taurean Minx. By the way, it is Senior Taurean Minx. Why don't you ever know your levels?
FineBoy: abeg, make I hear word.
Omodudu:so what are you going to do now
FineBoy: well, as long as I can help it, he won't be seeing me.
Omodudu: I think say u be bad guy? Why u no go show am say you get liver? after all, no be u talk say e no fit do u anything for this campus
FineBoy: u know what? watch me walk away
Omodudu: And go where? U think he does not know u are here? This is going to be interesting.


12.00 noon
Yosh: My Guy, why are u sitting on the floor
Waffarian: no mind am. what is that u are eating. he is hiding from Baba Alaye
FineBoy: Waffy, I am not in the mood. Don't annoy me
9ja Opeke: how u no go get mouth for woman? u no fit follow the person wey dey disturb you hala, u con dey here, dey make noise
Toyintomato: Hy steel ave spyzee steek meat? FineBoy, why hare u hon d floor?
Yosh: Apparently Baba Alaye is looking for him
Toyintomato: O ti o
Atutupoyoyo: Iyawo, where is my stick meat now?
Toyintomato: Hah!!! the owner hof the money hon my head. Hy ham comeeng o
Atutupoyo: oya o. Haba, my guy, are you still here? What are you going to tell Mrs Somebody when she comes into class and sees you sitting there? How long are you going to be on the floor.
9ja Opeke: Abeg, leave him o. me I want to see how this one will end. Baba Alaye has been sending juniors here every thirty minutes to call him.
Waffarian: And it is no coincidence that so many seniors have been passing round here. The gist has spread that Baba Alaye is out for this guy
Omodudu: (Arriving) I guess Fine Boy is about to be unfine.
Yosh: wetin dey do u sef?
9ja Opeke: dis one na original thriller. I wan die. Yosh, wetin dey your hand
Yosh: guguru, u want some?
Jaja:(arriving) make u no break your neck as you dey eye im food
9ja Opeke: Solomonsydelle!!! Come carry your husband before I wound am o
Solomonsydelle: (from the other side of class) Go0d forbid o. Opeke mind yasef o
Teediva: (knocks)
Omodudu: wait let me guess...you are looking for someone.
Teediva: Yes senior...Senior Fine...
Omodudu: Fine Boy is indisposed.
Teediva: ????
Omodudu: Go and tell senior Baba Alaye that he is not around
Teediva: No, I was sent by Senior Taurean Minx. She asked him to come
FineBoy: really?
Yosh: heeeeyy, see your life. Na woman go kill you.
Teediva: Senior FineBoy?
Waffarian: look, junior girl did u not hear him say Fine Boy is not here?
Teediva: But he...?
9ja Opeke: u wan make I slap you, make your brain recharge?
Teediva: no...no...(hurriedly shakes head)
Waffarian: Oya marchalout, one time before I open my eye
(Teediva flees)
Jaja: u girls are so cruel to one another. You could have delayed her here a bit
9ja Opeke: so u can be panting here like alsatian? abeg dress comot. Solomonsydelle...!!!
Solomonsydelle: If u say it, Opeke, we will fight today
9ja Opeke: yeye girl, why are u fronting. we all know...
Jaja: me, I am not there. u know she will brush you
Omodudu: heesh! we have a situation here. as u can see they are resorting to using Taurean Minx's name to catch him
Waffarian: and as he cannot live without woman, they will. See how he nearly followed that girl out of here. Oh boy, u dey craze?
FineBoy: (cradling his head) I don't even know how it is doing me now. I think I am running a temperature
9ja Opeke: mumu.


7.30 pm
9ja Opeke: we are finished o...it is over. men
Waffarian: yeeee, my mother is going to kill me. expulsion. chei my life. Kpakpando, why? why?
Kpakpando: (looking on in stony silence)
Yosh: As I am looking at you now, u need to be glad I was raised not to hit a woman cos u deserve serious brushing
Overwhelmed: Please somebody, tell me what is going on? Men, how did I miss all the gist
Jaja: Kpakpando, I fear u o
Overwhelmed: Kpakpando, what did u do?
Solomonsydelle: this is simply unacceptable
Overwhelmed: who do I have to screw to find out what is going on here?
Yosh: Trust me overwhelmed, u don't want to know
Overwhelmed: but I do... father, lord. please somebody tell me.
(Omodudu and Ugo Daniel walk in)
Waffarian: how far?
Omodudu: (shakes his head)
Ugo D: we might have to go report to Mr. Laspapi. but guys, what were you thinking?
(Exschoolnerd walks in)
ExScNd: Kpakpando, u better hide cos if I set my eyes on you today, it will not be funny
Ugo D: calm down calm down
Kpakpando: (says not a word)
Jaja: this girl, u are on another level of spooky.
ExScNd: did u even think about all the things that could happen? did u think about anyone but yourself? U are special o
9ja Opeke: see how she is even looking like mumu
Kpakpando: watch it! don't think because I am silent...
Yosh: u better leave her alone before she has u shipped off to Ivory Coast
Omodudu: As it is, hasn't she already?
Overwhelmed: Okay, this is too much. Please! Please !! PLEASE!!!! Someone tell me what is going on
9ja Opeke: stop shouting. it is prep time
Ugo D: They tried to smuggle Fine Boy home in a ghana-must-go
Overwhelmed: Say what?!
Yosh: I thought we scrapped that idea in favour of the sick exeat that ExScNerd, ehm...procured.
Waffarian: We had to find a way to get him out of class and to the gate.
9ja Opeke: so we asked Baba Willy to carry the bag
Overwhelmed: Baba Willy, the gateman?
Solomonsydelle: we told him to keep the bag and we will come back and tell him which car to take the bag to.
Overwhelmed: please tell me this is a story. Fineboy was in the bag the whole time?
Yosh: Desperate times call for desperate measures
Overwhelmed: and what happened? how does Kpakpando factor into all this?
Waffarian: she went and told Baba Willy which car to put the ghana-must-go in
Overwhelmed: and?
9ja Opeke: she was never in on the plan....how was she to know
Jaja: u know, I always fear quiet women. See how she is not speaking. She will just be watching and waiting. She had been waiting and waiting while FineBoy was using her to play ball and chasing after this female and that female
Waffarian: Kpakpando, love is not by force o
9ja Opeke: I guess even Fineboy crossed the line sef. How could he ask Kpankpando to go deliver the gifts to TaureanMinx.
Overwhelmed: Jisoz!!! Where have I been?
Jaja: me , I don't know
Solomonsydelle: u know Senior Nwanyi Ocha is her school mother and she is in the same class as Taurean Minx
Overwhelmed: so where is Fineboy
Ugo D: on the bread truck...
Yosh: possibly on his way to Ibadan or something
Overwhelmed: YEEEEE!!!!
Omodudu: exactly
Waffarian: the worst part is that, no matter what, he will be discovered and brought back and of course that will create questions
Yosh: Cos there was no way the he could have carried himself in a ghana must go onto the truck
Omodudu: And Baba Willy said, the truck driver saw him load the truck but as usual assumed it was part of the returns
Overwhelmed: girl, how did u get Baba Willy to do it?
Kpakpando (with a wide smile) I gave him Willy Juice
(the entire group is silent)
ExScNd: U know what, I think I just wet myself. That was the scariest sight.
Jaja: is she smiling?
Yosh: I believe so. I think we might have a "case" on our hands.
Kpakpando: why are you all acting so silly? Nothing will happen to him
Ugo D: (voice struggling to be civil) U think so. U get a drunk security guard to put your classmate who is in a ghana-must-go on a bread truck...
ExScNd: How are we even sure it was the bread truck
Solomonsydelle: please don't scare me
Kpakpando: (chuckling) he will be fine. Someone has gone to get him
Waffarian: Girl, I am never speaking to you again. You did what?
Kpakpando: I got someone to go after him
9ja Opeke: and I love this school so much. so na like dis expulsion dey happen? I dey return go Abakaliki grammar school
Yosh: Kpakpando....
Jaja: this nightmare will never end
Kpakpando: (rising to her feet abruptly and startling the group. They move back slightly) SHUT UP! EVERYONE SHUT UP! I have done nothing wrong. Just thought to have a little fun like he has been having with me all semester
Waffarian: is this all because he did not jah u face?
Kpakpando: I am over that. He thought he had a mugu abi, and all of u were always there to give him hype like toying with someone's emotions is fun...
Yosh: but what you have done is putting his life in danger and ours as well.
Ugo D: what will u say if something happens to him?
Kpakpando: like I said, nothing will
ExScNd: (in a whisper) please explain
Kpakpando: who can get out of the gates and back in and has access to a car?
Omodudu: Forgive me, if I cannot do riddles right now
Solomonsydelle: or I for that matter
Yosh: same here
Kpakpando: let's just say his ride back to school should be interesting


Somewhere in a car....
Olawunmi: Are you okay? Are you comfortable?
FineBoy: y...y....yes senior
Olawunmi: I am sure you are wondering why the head boy will come after you
FineBoy:N..no..N...Yes..senior Olawunmi
Olawunmi: You know, since we are out, why don't we make this an experience you won't forget. I mean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. How many of your friends can say that they bailed out with two seniors, one of whom was the head boy. ehn?
FineBoy:.........
Olawunmi: Breathe...I am amazed you stayed in that bag so quietly. You are probably hungry. We will stop at a joint and you can enjoy some correct peppersoup. Tomorrow, we will discuss your punishment but tonight, u can relax. U are already in trouble so just ride the wave. Abi, my guy, what do we say we show our little man here a good time?
Baba Alaye: Sounds like a spectacular idea!!!/

A good housewife, I will not make because....

1. I am not after five years in architecture school, 1-2 years in Grad School,3-5 years struggling for my license, and all the ensuing shenanigans going to pack up and stay at home and be cleaning a house and chasing bomboy. I am lazy/ crazy but not that lazy/ crazy.

2. For my sanity and that of my children, I believe it is imperative for both of us to take some time away from each other. Hence, beautiful inventions like my practice and their schools and if they are just too much, then boarding house.

3. What is the point? If a man is going to leave me, he is going to leave me. Giving up my life is no guarantee he will stay and pursuing my dreams is no indication either. But in the event, it happens, I need to have something to take my mind off the idea of going after him with the maiguard's shakabula. I will just go to work.

4. I need to wear a skirt suit from time to time. Who will admire my fine yansh at home. Bomboy and Lil'Cat will be too busy drooling or watching...sponge bob?

5. My mouth is too big. I don't know (m)any men that really value the role of a stay-at-home mother. So, they come home, they feel you have been doing nothing all day. "Catwalq, where is my food?" And I will say, "I don't know. Where did you put it?"

6. The role does not run in my family. I come from a long line of opinionated, working women.

7. That is a one way ticket to being absorbed with insignificant issues; like the thread count on your sheets.

8. I need to have my own account that has money coming in from a place he does not know. I am sorry, maybe it's watching too many Nigerian films or just simply being Nigerian but the only Joint account I am keeping is for school fees, rent, household expenses and bills. That way, one day if he shows up with one secondary school girl and says he wants to marry her, I can say "No, problem. Sign the divorce papers. Pay the alimony and child support( and you best believe I will be collecting) and move out (what, you thought I would pack out? Is his father a baga?)

9. If I was simply going to sit at home and make babies, i wouldn't have bothered with school. My ovaries are cool, they are popping. I could have been reproducing from age 11.

10. I never played with my dolls. I chewed them. They were tasty

11. I don't care what anybody has to say about it

I want my mummy (Catwalq Academie behind the scenes)

I have been in bed for two days. Running a high fever.
I want my mummy.
Then Yosh...,
Atutupoyoyo
Unnaked and then
Jaja, you can make me some correct peppersoup...
*sniff* *cough* *hackle*
And Laspapi, I need a good movie to watch
Then Overwhelmed will come and make noise and raise my temperature.
Because he lurves me so much, Yosh will put her out.
Kpakpando will stop by with some oyinbo type medicine that I will hide and pretend to swallow.
Toyintomato will come with conc-est agbo her grandmother could concoct.
Idemmili will bring me erotic reading material but she will not make it upstairs to my room because she would have bumped into Ubong Da and the tow would have disppeared.
Ugo D will send me a card.
Fatoumatta will call from SA and MTN will drop the line.
Unnaked and Atutu will go at it as each vies for a space at either side of my bed.
Yosh, will look up from his book, shake his head and tell them to be quiet.
Omodudu will stop by and tell me to get off my arse.
Fine Boy will not come until the whole thing has passed as he has abandoned blogville
Naija Politriks, Blogger General and UKNaija will get into it. Jeremy will stop by for a while and go off about the state of health care in the country.
After, I collect his Bournvita and Lucozade, I will ask Atutu and Unnaked to put him out.
They will happily oblige me.
Bibi wouldn't mind.
Waffarian will send me some peppersoup that Porter DeHarcourt will deliver...with six pieces of meat missing.
BabaAlaye will make sure that NEPA does not take light so that the air condition will cool my body.
Then I will cry cos usually that's how I reach the end of my illness. Everyone will freak out and think something serious is wrong.
My mother will hiss and direct Yosh and Atutu (cos Unnaked has gone to toast some chick) to carry me to the bathroom. They will drop me into the bath filled with cold water. i will scream and my mother will hold me down. Then I will be pulled out and cleaned and towelled dry.
By then, the bed has been remade and new teddy-bear patterned nighty presented.
My mummy helps me into them and gives me a new pair of yellow socks.
I am sniffling and telling her that when my daddy comes, I will tell him. I am going to report everybody and everyone is going to be sorry
Then everyone starts to leave one by one until...
only mummy remains.
I want my mummy...
and even though I love you guys to sege...
I want my mummy.

Him and I

Maybe I should hold out. Maybe I should wait. But isn't that what I have been doing? Waiting?
Sometimes, it is so much easier to give in to those desires that hold court in your heart. Maybe, I am not that strong at all. Maybe there is nothing even spectacular about me at all. Maybe I am just a 23 year old woman trying to survive in an environment that is not realy equipped to accept her when she is at her best or at least striving to be so.

Maybe I am tired of wondering when my time will come. Maybe I am allowed a moment of weakness. Maybe I am not weak at all. Maybe in fact, letting go will be a true manifestation of my strength. Maybe I am just lazy. I mean, can I say that waiting this long is too long? Maybe I am just coming up with one excuse after the other.

Maybe I should just enjoy this. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is all I can handle at the moment. Maybe it might become something more. Maybe one day, I will cease to be 23 and he 35.

COS E NO EASY

Oya, princessa (and all my other supporters), here are the links to my other blogs. http://banibaraje.blogspot.com/
http://saheeda.blogspot.com/
Make blog protection services no talk say i be unfit blogger come comot my babies from my care.
I even have pics of my last design project up.
have a lovely weekend everybody.
stay away from anon comments with no purpose.
And finally a shout out to my blog crush: Yosh, what's up?

CATWALQ ACADEMIE (BEHIND THE SCENES)

I was sitting at my laptop, thinking of what to talk about in today's post. After erasing my eight draft, I went to my saved drafts and found this piece, I started months ago and discarded...

PinkPeke Productions: Welcome to another episode of DIS BLOGGERS SEF. Today, we are going to visit with Ms Catwalq Bani-Baraje, the creator and executive producer of the "world famous" Catwalq Academie Series. Ms Catwalq, welcome to the show.

Catwalq: Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here.

PP P: So, we are five episodes in and the entire country is hooked...

Catwalq: I am just as surprised. We have been getting THOUSANDS of comments and MILLIONS of letters of hopefuls asking to be cast in the series.

PP P: Wow...yeah, cos we are fans too. Where did you get the inspiration for it?

Catwalq: well, i have a professional degree in fantasizing.With a concentration in creativity

PP P: From where?

Catwalq: The Universal Institute of Joblessness and Laziness.

PP P: How long did it take you to put together the cast and crew.

Catwalq: not too long. I am the writer, director, producer, make up artist, sound editor, cinematographer...in short the entire crew. There is a local grammar school by my house. I just sit outside and watch them pass.

I never quite got to finish it, so I am asking you to submit your questions for Catwalq and she will answer in her end of year, profile of her self. Conceited? Perhaps...but it is the easiest way to come up with a post.
So, send in your questions. They can be about anything and I will answer them in my next post.