Friday, September 21, 2007

Trying to hold my head above water...

I just saw Raise The Red Lantern. Zhang Yimou has my heart and imagination in the palm of his hand and he does not even know it. Film for me is therapy and torment. There is nothing more consuming for me to immerse myself in the characters I watch and connect with and nothing more dousing than to have the credits roll and have to climb back out into the reality of my life.

Since I was a child, I lived in scenes. It can be a blessing and a burden when you have an overactive imagination. You are quick to trust...to believe and quick to hurt. Because there is nothing more distabilising than opening your eyes from a scene that your thoughts and senses have created in your mind to a reality that is so far removed from where you are coming.

Imagination is extremely hard to share. Especially when you live in a society such as a Nigerian one where, most people have lost that ability since childhood all in the quest for survival. Depression is not too distant from the creative mind. It is simply because no one but you can see what you see, can feel what you feel.

I sometimes sit in panicked solitude wondering if these characters I create, these ambitions I strive for and these words that only I hear will never manifest beyond the realms of my mind. What will I do if I cannot become what I want to become? Will I accept the simple gift of my imagination or will I wonder in anguish why my maker would choose to torment me with the possibilities that are not mine to have?

I love my life...or rather, I am greatful for it. What I have, where I've been and whom I've known; some would kill for the chance. Still I could/can be and have more. It is the dream of "more" that drives me each day. The knowledge that I can create my own happiness and be more than just a numbered record of a birth and death when the time comes.

I don't need accolades. I just want to be able to face Him when I am done and say "Sir, with the gifts you gave me and with the opportunities for love and service you placed before me, these are the things I did in your name."

But when the things that I want to do elude me and I have built a relationship with Him that works in the way that only the things that are mine to have come my way, how do I keep going?

This is why people should not stay up for three days straight and try to blog. You start talking some dumb assed shit, imagining yourself to be reflective. If your child tells you she/he wants to be an architect/blogger/designer/writer, have them email me....

22 comments:

diary of a G said...

me first? I'd like to thanks god for this opportunity and to think I still have to go readthe post and come back

Aijay said...

Babes, I don't think this is some "dumb assed shit", neither do I think you imagine yourself to be reflective.
Reflection's good every now & then, helps put one in perspective.
This is a nice post. Heartfelt.
I like.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lol... craze woman! so na china man you dey fall for now ehn...

Jaja said...

I always Knew you were mad. Just like me.

Queen of My Castle said...

I know exactly how you feel. I agree with Aijay. Self awareness is a good thing. Sweetie you are a jewel. The dreams you have are a blessing. I believe that only GOD can give such creativity.

...toyintomato said...

..girl you need at least 12 hours of sleep.oya go to bed RIGHT NOW!!!
whish kin talk is all this.
abi you want me to call naija and report you.

nonsense and concobility..talking about imagination, creative mind..hisss" abi you have forgotten you are "the ARCHITECT"...haha

..just playing, great post

יש (Yosh) said...

Lol @ d last paragraph! At least u r alive!

Be strong!

The Last King Of Scotland said...

yes mam, will definitely tell my kids to!

princesa said...

Staying up 3 straight days???
Is this a case of Insomnia or Cerebral malaria?? lol!

Nice reflective post!

racquelle-cutie said...

catwalq abeg e don tey wetin dey now anyway i think im a very reflective person which also makes me creative so its a good ting

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

I became introspective and everything, then you shocked me right back into reality.

Anyway, hope all is well, with you.

Rayo said...

btw I got this Indian movie you have to see. It's called Family.

Ugo Daniels said...

Strike a poise, swing the pendulum, suck it in and JUST DO IT! Cheers!!

Arewa said...

lol@last paragraph...u don craze..lol
Life is what u make it. Ur the only one who can make ur dreams and imagination a reality...so take life by the balls and squeez all u can out of them..lol

BiMbyLaDs** said...

lol.. nothing can take away my own.. sleep o.. lai lai

N.I.M.M.O said...

This is why people should not stay up for three days straight and try to blog.....

Bia, Catwalq.

Are you talking to me or did your tongue just turned golden? Will do.

Nimmo

100%Lighty said...

LOVE, U'RE 1 IN A MILLION. datz all i can say. reflective post. makes me think about me.

Waffarian said...

What would we be without dreams? I'd hate to think of living my life without imagination and dreams,however I think that it is good that you also think about how it affects your life. I think you're doing good, don't worry too much!

Onome said...

Imaginations in other societies are reasons why we have cartoons, comic books, fantastic blockbusters,etc etc......our Maker made us to always advance and not remain static so rock on chic..go as far as u can with His help...see u at the top!

princesa said...

Update!

Queen of My Castle said...

Am with Princesa...UPDATE!!!!

catwalq said...

@D.O.G: clap for yourself.

@Aijay: Thanks jare. I was barely lucid when I was typing it.

@Overwhelmed: men, some of them are fine o. Haba...plus, why r u hating now?

@Jaja: I will spank u one day. Then again, I have a feeling u just might like it.

@Queen of my castle: Thank you my sister. yes, my dreams can be an escape...and sometimes, a prison.

@Toyintimato: u sef....why r u shouting at me now? *sob* *sob*

@Yosh: ose o jare.

@The last king of scotland: Thanks for passing on the message o

@Princessa: staying up three days straight is a case of Design 5...

@Racquelle-Cutie: where u bin dey?

@Solomonsydelle: I dey kampe. I was just fatigued.

@Rayo: just saw the preview... and I want to see it

@Ugo D: hun? Thanks...I guess

@Arewa: I am squeezing life's balls right now...I think life is loving it though

@Nimmo: I was talking to myself o...but if it applies to you, you are not alone

@100% Lightly: thanks o jare.

@Waffarian: na u biko

@Onome: ose jare. we will all get there. and those creations you mention are not exclusive to other cultures. many nigerians do these things...our culture just does not value them

@Princessa $ Q.O.C: I have...