Trying to hold my head above water...

I just saw Raise The Red Lantern. Zhang Yimou has my heart and imagination in the palm of his hand and he does not even know it. Film for me is therapy and torment. There is nothing more consuming for me to immerse myself in the characters I watch and connect with and nothing more dousing than to have the credits roll and have to climb back out into the reality of my life.

Since I was a child, I lived in scenes. It can be a blessing and a burden when you have an overactive imagination. You are quick to trust...to believe and quick to hurt. Because there is nothing more distabilising than opening your eyes from a scene that your thoughts and senses have created in your mind to a reality that is so far removed from where you are coming.

Imagination is extremely hard to share. Especially when you live in a society such as a Nigerian one where, most people have lost that ability since childhood all in the quest for survival. Depression is not too distant from the creative mind. It is simply because no one but you can see what you see, can feel what you feel.

I sometimes sit in panicked solitude wondering if these characters I create, these ambitions I strive for and these words that only I hear will never manifest beyond the realms of my mind. What will I do if I cannot become what I want to become? Will I accept the simple gift of my imagination or will I wonder in anguish why my maker would choose to torment me with the possibilities that are not mine to have?

I love my life...or rather, I am greatful for it. What I have, where I've been and whom I've known; some would kill for the chance. Still I could/can be and have more. It is the dream of "more" that drives me each day. The knowledge that I can create my own happiness and be more than just a numbered record of a birth and death when the time comes.

I don't need accolades. I just want to be able to face Him when I am done and say "Sir, with the gifts you gave me and with the opportunities for love and service you placed before me, these are the things I did in your name."

But when the things that I want to do elude me and I have built a relationship with Him that works in the way that only the things that are mine to have come my way, how do I keep going?

This is why people should not stay up for three days straight and try to blog. You start talking some dumb assed shit, imagining yourself to be reflective. If your child tells you she/he wants to be an architect/blogger/designer/writer, have them email me....