Saturday, December 22, 2007

In the spirit of Chrees-maz

Bomboy: Aunty Catwalq, please tell me a story

Catwalq: (looking up from her computer) ehn?

Bomboy: Please tell me a story

Catwalq:(slightly irritated) what story do you want to hear?

Bomboy: Can you tell me about the birth of Jesus Christ?

Catwalq: ehn? What kind of story is that? I don't know that one. How about Little Red Riding Hood or Shrek or something?

Bomboy: Hmnn....okay

Bomboy's Mother: Catwalq, you don't know the story of the birth of Jesus Christ?

Catwalq: I do...I just don't feel like telling it. Let me tell him another one instead

Bomboy's Mother: Indeed...,sha don't corrupt my son

Catwalq: Haba! Aunty ki le mean? (Aunty, what do you mean?) Look Bomboy, I will tell you the story of Red Riding...nice one and then you go and play your video games okay?

Bomboy: Okay

Catwalq:(taps her chin dramatically) Okay, story story....

Bomboy: Hun?

Catwalq: You are supposed to say 'story' and then I say,'once upon a time' and you say 'time time'...what are they teaching you in school?

Bomboy: I don't know.

Bomboy's Mother: Mo gbe!!!! (I am in trouble) What do you mean that you don't know? All the money I am spending on your school fees!!!!

Catwalq: (chuckles)

Bomboy: No mummy, I know. I was just saying that they not teaching us that.

Catwalq: 'they not'? Aunty, you need to check these people out o

Bomboy Mother: mo ma daran o (I am in trouble)

Bomboy: (sulking) all I am asking for is a story nah

Catwalq: okay, okay, I'll tell you the story. Let's start again. Story story...

Bomboy: Story

Catwalq: Once upon a time...

Bomboy: Time time

Catwalq: There was a little girl called Red Riding Hood. She had seven dwarfs and she lived in a palace with her wicked step mother queen....

Bomboy: Uhm...Aunty

Catwalq: If you interrupt me, I will knock you

Bomboy's Mother: Ma na omo me o, eyin aunty oni storyteller (don't beat my child o, aunty storyteller)

Bomboy: Aunty I don't think that is the story

Catwalq: look here, it is my story. Do you want to hear it or not? Because you are the one that came to me. I am busy. Have work to do

Bomboy: But you are on holiday

Catwalq: You know what? Go and play by yourself

Bomboy's Mother: Agbaya ni e (You are a big-for-nothing bully)

Bomboy: What does that mean?

Catwalq: Be quiet. Who was talking to you? You want your story or not?

Bomboy: Ok. sorry

Catwalq: Now where was I?

Bomboy: The palace queen

Catwalq: Yes, and so she now cooked porridge. But her wicked step mother did not like her so when she cooked the first porridge, the wicked step mother was like 'It's too sweet' and the next one 'It is too salty' and the next one 'It is too peppery'...

Bomboy: Like your food...always too spicy

Catwalq: Ehn? Lenu e (coming from your mouth?)

Bomboy's Mother: (cracking up in the kitchen)

Bomboy: sorry

Catwalq: If you interrupt me the wicked woman went and asked a mirror or a cup- which one, I cannot remember- who was the finest girl in the land and the thing could not lie and told the queen that it was Red Riding Hood. The queen now banished Red Riding Hood out of the palace because she stole...

Bomboy: What did she steal?

Catwalq: The queen's Jimmy Choos.

Bomboy: What are those?

Catwalq: Something you have to buy for your wife when you start working. And she did not steal them, the queen lied on her.

Bomboy: Ok

Catwalq: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, so the queen now banished her into the woods and then paid a wolf to go and kill her.

Bomboy: A wolf!!! Can they talk?

Catwalq: That's why it's called a fairy tale. Haba! You this boy, you are on another level o. Let me finish my story jare

Bomboy: Sorry

Bomboy's Mother: What kind of storyteller are you that someone cannot ask questions again? Didn't you used to ask questions when you were little? Abi, o ju be e lo ni ( or is what is going on more than it is?)

Catwalq: I did not say he should not ask questions. He should wait until the end when I ask him the moral of the story. Then, he can ask all he wants.

Bomboy's Mother: Oya, Bomboy, you too wait till the end. You and your Aunty are giving me a headache.

Catwalq: ese o Aunty Mi (Thank you o Aunty)

Bomboy's Mother: Iwo agbaya yi (You bully)

Catwalq: so as she was leaving, she took bread and started leaving bread crumbs on the way so she could find her way back at night.

Bomboy: Who did?

Catwalq: So you're not even listening?!!!!!! Oya, leave me if you are not listening to what I am saying

Bomboy: I am listening. But your story is confusing. I want to hear the birth of Jesus Christ

Bomboy's Mother: Leave your Aunty. When I finish what I am doing, I will tell you what you want to hear. I mean, how can we say we have an Aunty at home that cannot do one small thing. Or maybe she does not even know the story and she is pretending...

Catwalq: (exasperated sigh) The heavens are against me today. The devil is a liar. Oya, if you want to hear the story of Jesus. I will tell you but if you interrupt me even once, it is over.

Bomboy: Yeeeeee

Catwalq: Once upon a time, there was...

Bomboy: Time time...ooops. You said I should say

Catwalq: Mssstsssthw! There was a young lady called Mary of Jerusalem. She was sitting in front of her house peeling corn.

Bomboy: What was she going to use the corn for?

Catwalq: To make pap in the morning. What did I say about interrupting? So she was there doing her corn jeje-ly and rora-ly when one angel appeared to her and was like 'Boo'. So she jumped and was like "Aaaah". The angel then told her that she should not be afraid that she was going to get pregnant and have the son of God. Mary was like "What kind of nonsense prophecy is that? I don't even have a boyfriend."
The angel told her not to worry, that Joseph was going to be her husband. Mary was like "Eugh, that yeye carpenter?". And the angel was like yes. And because Mary was scared out of her jeans, she said ok so that the angel could quickly go and she could finish her corn before her mother came back from Canaan where she went shopping. That's where the Giant and Safeway of their day was.

So like that, like that, she became pregnant and she had to tell Joseph now. And Joseph was now like "Are you crazy? Who do you think is responsible?" Which was true as they had never been like boyfriend and girlfriend. That is why we say wait till after you are married to have a girlfriend, who will be your wife. Do you understand what I am saying?

Bomboy: Not really

Catwalq: That's no problem. So sha Joseph left her and she was crying and the angel came back and was like "boo" and Mary was like "leave me alone joo. I went and told Joseph that I am pregnant and he denied me. Me myself, I don't even know where the child is coming from." The angel now told her not to worry and paid Joseph a visit. I can't remember what he told Joseph but that very night the carpenter went and married Mary. I am guessing the angel said more than "boo" and freaked the poor guy out.
So sha, they were married and then there was the king in Egypt who had a vision that if Jesus was born that he would become the king of the Isrealites or I think the descendants of Moses...anyways, this guy went unhinged...

Bomboy: What's that?

Catwalq: (makes a imitation of lunacy and boy laughs) so the king, Herod was his name now ordered that all the soldiers go out and find the baby. They went all over Rome and Egypt and what is now today's Iran and Turkey.

Bomboy's Mother: I don't know what is more alarming, your version or the fact that you might have told this story in public before. Where did you get this story from?

Catwalq: Me, I am sorry o. What kind of request is it to tell the story of the birth of Jesus Christ? What happened to good old 'Eze goes to school' or 'Koku Baboni"? I am doing the best I can. I have not even got to the point where Joseph had to part the red sea to escape the soldiers.

Bomboy's Mother: Bomboy! Get up from there now before your Aunty puts me in more trouble than I am already in.

Bomboy: But I like this story. I have to tell it to my classmates when I get back to school. Mrs. Hounding told us to research the story and come and tell it in school.

Bomboy's Mother: Catwalq, you are in trouble.

Catwalq: What did I do?


BlackRose said...

omg! im jst crackin up rite nw

BlackRose said...

so i was first... yipeee!!!
lol @ mary peelin corn
lol @ 'yeye carpenter'
nawa 4 ur own version o.

Honeywell said...

Jesus, i laughed so hard, i started crying..... i don't know which one i liked best... the red riding hood who was the finest in the land, or that the angel said BOO....Yesu Christi, i love this.... this is one of the best posts i have read so far.....

Jaybabe said...

Anonymous said...

Koku Baboni!
i didnt know anyone else had read that. i still have my moth beaten, roach-egg-crushed-in-between-pages copy.
lol love your version, u should make an actual production with it and call it: Jesus.. The One Time The Words 'I'm Pregnant' From An Unmarried Teenager Were Accepted. If Only They Would Be Accepted More Often; Who Knows How Many Other Saviours The World Might Have Today...

"Mary, The Yeye Carpenter, And 'What Happened To Egyptian Cotton? I Didn't Sign Up For Horse Sheets Mister!'"

are u sure Red Riding Hood didnt steal those Jimmy Choos? if u ask me, that justifies the queen's need to spill little red's blood...

Idemili said...

Silly Girl! LOL

Sparkle said...

Merry Xmas

little miss me said...

LOL!! funny story.

N.I.M.M.O said...

Hilarious! Catwalq, its confirmed. You don KOLO!

But your version of the Christmas story is absolutely fantastic. More interesting than the same one NTA has been showing Christmas in, Christmas out, for the past like thirty years!

Sincerely, I have been looking for another angle to the story, and I think you have it; you should put it on film as Nollywood's Christmas Story.

Maybe NTA would show it for the next thirty years.

Nice work.


Anonymous said...

really,like ur aunt said hope u vent told dis story in public oh? LOL.MERRY XMAS N A HAPPY NEW YR, catwalq.

Arewa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Arewa said...

Oh girl i just stopped by to wish u a Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year .....May God Almighty grant all ur wishes for the comming year... Thanks for all the love and support... nuff love x x x

Jinta said...

Lol. If we could capture and package your imagination, we'll both become billionairs. Let's work on it.

Miss Iyabo Opeke said...

Merry Christmas to you

This is My Gift to U

ibilola said...

catwalq u hav killed me o!
Na u biko. only u fit give diff version of traditional story.

Lighty said...

aint u just the crazy one? ern kitty? nyways darling i had a good laff and a good one shaking my head.
having a beautiful xmas sweetie. muah mauh mauh*

pamelastitch said...

catwalq trouble maker:

Merry christmas


Hahaha! Too funny Seasons greetings!

laspapi said...

this is the funniest christmas story I ever read.
Jinta, catwa'q's imagination's signed to laspapi productions. You're too late, guv'nor.

Afrobabe said...

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE catwalq you have finished the young man oh...what ind of Jesus birth story has Joseph and sea parting inside...not to talk of corn peeling and boyfirends...shit, that child is trautamised for life oh...

Florida of Free Spirit said...

Yeah, this sounds more like the catwalq i love to read!!! Really nice one, particularly the jesus story - bible for no tell am better pass u o

desperate lady said...

lmaooooooo i can't believe u told the story like that. Poor boy, he had better not say that story in school.

Mandy Brown-Ojugbana said...

you are wonderfull I cant wait for you to publish I want to share you with everyone.

Mr.Fineboy said...

CATWALQ!!! You are what blogville is all about...

celestocalculus said...

lol... Such crazy, crazy brain u av!!!