Sunday, November 25, 2007

Memoirs of the V spot III

Before you start, I will like to invite you to check this out. To the women, feel free to share your stories about that part of your anatomy that brings us joy, pain, confusion and comfort. And to the men, feel free to analyse that which your pursuit of defines your life's decisions.

Thank you for coming out to meet with me

Well, you sounded like it was very important to you that I did and so I am here

Thank you. It means alot to me and my girls that you are here

You're welcome. I still do not see what I am doing here.

I wanted to speak to you woman to woman.


I wanted to look into your eyes when I did that


I wanted to look into your eyes because I knew for some reason that they will not lie to me


I want to know why you will not leave my husband for me. Why you will not leave the father of my children and allow our family to be in peace. Why you don't think that a woman as beautiful as you or as intelligent and accomplished must take what does not belong to you...

*bursts into laughter* Oh my goodness....this is just too think he belongs to you? If he did, then why are you here?

I came to meet with you because not only did I want an explanation from you, I also wanted to beg you to leave him for me. Leave my husband alone.

*still laughing* Oh my God, this is the funniest thing I have heard all day. Can I just ask you what you do for a living?

I am sorry?

If we are talking woman to woman, may I ask you what you do with yourself all day?

I am a housewife. I would assume that you knew that.

I don't have to know anything about you. You are of no importance to me. My point is, if you had something better with your time, you will not have tracked me down- not that I was hiding- and made all the hulla-balloo about you needing to meet with you

I did not come here to fight with you

Really? Maybe my English is poor because just a minute ago you implied that I was desperate and deviant, bent on making you unhappy since I could not find some of my own.

I did...

For your information, your husband and I are no longer together. It ended more than two months ago. So, you either need to step up your investigating skills or start them again

What do you mean? I followed you...I checked his...

*shakes head* What for? What did you think you were going to get out of this? This conversation that you have expended nights and days on, planning what you will say, how you will confront me...did you plan the same for your husband? Because if you did not, then what do you think a talk with me will do?


Eyiwunmi...that is your name right? Why are you here? Think about your answer before you give it

I want to save my marriage


What do you mean "why"? Do you know what commitment is? Do you know what I have been through? Do you know about my children, what they have been through? Do you know how many years we have been married...?

How many years? cannot...

And you are here confronting your husband's ex lover for his infidelities instead of the culprit himself.

Have you no shame? Why would you go with another woman's man?

Because he belongs to no one but himself.


That man that you are running all over town for, greying your hair prematurely for, loves no one but himself. Do you think he loves you? Do you think he loved me or loves any of the others? And don't even look at me like you think I am the only one. You must have known for seventeen years that his dick does not dip into just one hole

I beg your...

Please!!! don't insult me with your feigned propriety. You and I both know that that man is useless. You know why it was over? In over ten years that I have lost my virginity, I have never contracted anything. I slept with that useless waste of oxygen...

that's my husband you are talking about

Uh...mumu. That idiot gave me the clap. Are you going to tell me that he has never given you anything? If so, then he has not been to you in a long, long, loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time and if that is the case, you know that he defintely does not belong to you

You are very rude...I did not come here to fight you

Look, since you said that you wanted to talk to me woman to woman, then I will talk to you woman to woman. I returned the advances of your husband because plain and simple, he offered them. I am thirty eight. I am not married and have never been. I run my own business and you know that I am not doing badly. Whilst this is no excuse, how many single men do you know that want to be with me. Men out there are either too old, married or both. And the younger ones want someone to upgrade them so they can chase after women their age or younger. I have needs. I too want companionship. I want affection. A connection. Dotun offered it to me, albeit in the position of a second wife and I was like, what the heck? What else do I have to loose? Society has written me off for being successful and single and childless. Men are intimidated by me. Maybe I will get some attention a couple of times a year...I mean, that beats nothing at all

Look at the way you're talking. Are you listening to yourself? Do you believe the words that are coming out of your mouth?

What do you mean, do I believe what I am saying? Where do you want me to start from at thirty-eight? Or how different do you think you are from me when you are running around town accosting your husband's mistresses because you are afraid to confront him on his betrayals and/or walk away from the pain of them. I itched for three weeks and I had had it. You must have been itching for seventeen plus years and you sit here and judge me for being desperate.*laughs* are you looking at yourself?

I love my husband

Nobody said you should not love him. Question is, does he love you? Or even , are you in love with your husband or the idea of a husband?

This is not going the way I planned. This has been a waste of time

Has it? Pray tell, what did you expect? Did my agreeing to meet with you not indicate that it would not go as you expected. I can just see you now, puffed up in your righteousness, ready for battle. Probably, those careening fools you walked in, who are just itching to leave their table and bring their aproko legs here, are your back up amunition; in the event of a fight. I came alone and I will leave alone. It has been that way for years. I have been alone because I have refused continously to compromise my standards. I am not asking for too much to be loved and respected. For my body to be regarded seperately from my brain and not as a suntitute for it. For my work to be respected. For a child not to be the stamp of my womanhood. For a life in my own right.

Then why would you destroy my life? It was not perfect but it was mine. You mock my husband now that you have discarded him or he discarded you; whichever one is the truth, I am not concerned. But he is all I have. You chose your career and now you are lonely and sleeping with other people's husbands

And you chose marriage and family and you are here in a restaurant arguing with your husband's mistress. I am not sure I see how your life is better. My point is, I have walked away from your husband and my temporary lapse in judgement. I have my work and great friends to fall back on. I pray that in my lifetime, I find someone to love me. I am a good person and I have tried to do good in my life. But I am human and I have a human woman's needs.

* thought* I do not know what to say

I will say that I am sorry. I am sorry that you have been hurt by my actions. I am just like you, trying to find my happiness in anyway possible. I looked through the wrong door and saw someone else's life and thought it could be mine. I am sorry. But I am not the only one responsible and no longer responsible

I know you are not

Then why did you come to me?

Because you are the only one to have walked away from him.

*sits back, hand on chin* And you thought I would show you how to do the same?

Maybe. I am confused. And tired.

Today is so much more interesting than I imagined. How many others have you met?

You are the only one

Why do you stay?

He always comes back to me. And he never really leaves. He is there in the morning when I wake up. His daughters have never had to ask me where their father is. He is loving and caring towards me and when he comes to my bed, it is like he sees only me. That he loves only me. Why am I not enough for him?

Because there are some dumb heiffers out there like me who will give to him what he should not have

Yes. No offence

None taken

I don't know why stay. It's like my medication to treat the after effects of his betrayals. I take them because I feel I don't have a choice

That cannot be healthy for you. Contracting diseases like that.

I miscarried five years ago. I did not even know that I was pregnant. I had an infection and lost the baby.

I am so sorry

It was not your fault. You see why, it is so hard for me to walk away? When I think of all I have sacrificed for this man?

Did he ask you to?


Did he ask you to sacrifice for him?

It's what wives do.

Then I guess that's one of the reasons I am not married


bumight said...

first!!! yay!
*doing the dance*
alright, lemme go read

bumight said...

what is worse than ur husband cheating on you?
- him cheating, you knowing it... and doing nothing!!!

Anonymous said...

Nice one. I am looking for a book that i read as a tween, "The other woman and other stories" Nigerian author(s) The cover was yellow. Anyone know the book i am talking about?
Reading this post reminded me of the stories in that book. Everywoman should read it.

Truer words have not been spoken. Did he ask you to sacrifice for him? We women assume that to be a good wife, you have to put your needs/dreams on the back burner. I am a recovering martyr(cooking/cleaning/running around like a chicken without a head cos in-laws are coming/making him comfortable in the pursuit of his career and dreams) and when I am bristling with resentment, my husband holds me and says, "You do not/did not have to do that". He encourages me to be an individual in our partnership. Thank you God for my husband.
Now I know to just not bother doing some things cos the man will not even notice at the end of the day. I try to take care of me first, and then i am in a better position to take care of others.

guerreiranigeriana said...

so, i'm adding you to my blogroll (after some more reading, of course:))!!...blown away...i agree with the mistress though...i don't agree with women confronting the mistresses...the mistresses don't owe you is your husband/boyfriend who is solely responsible for his actions and thinking about you and your feelings...especially in this day and age of stis and hiv/aids...

...i do feel for the wives though...society has made it sooo difficult for women to be strong and advocates for their own happiness...even we as women persecute each other, convincing our girlfriends to forgive his cheating ass because you guys have kids, blah, blah and God forbid you are a single mother...who would want you?...blah, blah...good read though...

Carlang said...

You are something else..
lovely post.

N.I.M.M.O said...

Question. Please which version of the Vagina Monologues are these? or should we call these the 'Vagina Dialogues'?

Wow stuff. I saw the Naija version last year (?) and I dont think the VM does better than this at 'women talking to women'. I like the underlying message more:

'The enemy is not always out there'

Catwalq, the way you write. The way you write....


gishungwa said...

Well said, it takes two to tango if you have to confront the woman do it plus your partner. For me i would ask the man, i have no business with the other woman. I blame both and especially my partner because i know they should have known better.

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

Bumight: Sometimes, after we have revolved around something or someone for so long, we are incapable of functioning without them even when the relationship is detrimental to us

Anonymous1: the funny thing is that I have been toying with a piece that I was going to call "The other woman" for a long time and I had a couple of short stories that I was going to compile. I will definitely see if I can get the book and see what it is all about

I do agree that to love another, you have to know how to love and the first way to know that is to love yourself. An aunt of mine did say that men are spoiled and incapable of seeing what does not directly influence them. I find that men are an interesting specie of human. I cannot glorify them though because like me they are human and prone to selfish pursuits

Guerreianigerian: I do not believe in confronting the other woman either. Waste of time and English language. I have no use for such nonsense.
I do wish that we women were less divided. We are so desperate to not stand out that we will do what ever and any which way possible to get some modicum of happiness. the result is we sell ourselves short and put our well being in jeopardy

Carlang: Thanks

Nimmo: my brother. how bodi?
I could not turn in the previous stories for the monologues because they were not real, as in, they did not happen to me. They were just figments of my imagination.
However, what I deduce from the Vagina Monologues, is a celebration of the woman. What makes her tick. What makes her think and what influences her stupidity. the wars she has to fight, the journeys she has to take. etc. So my V spot Memoirs are a combination of monologues and dialogues...

Gishungwa: me, for my sanity,I am confronting no one. God willing, I have a place of my own because I will be long gone. Some will say "and another woman will take my place" and I will say "and chances are that she will cry the same tears or worse".


oooh this was good. very good job. How now?


i totally agree with bumight

insane world we live in u know

Nyemoni said...

LOL...LOL..LOL...This are tew funny...How are you these days? I like you new layout! very nice....

bighead said...

I admire the first woman's restraint but I'm not sure about suffering and smiling like she's doing. But like the other woman advised, she should confront her husband and if he refuses to change maybe the marriage isn't worth it anymore; even the bible makes provision for divorces on grounds of infidelity.

Anonymous said...

love this. so so true. and sad

Jaybabe said...

Very nice post. It happens all the time. Men cannot come up front and say out why the look the other way when they have it at home.
Its high time somebody asked.

Thanks for stopping by...

Teediva said...

this is really nice and very imaginative. i can almost hear the voices speak, and then the dramatic change from being opponents to comrades is amazing. nice writing girl, get this published.

Queen of My Castle said...

Wow Catwalq, I am really loving this series. It's so real. Sadly I have been on both ends of this spectrum, so I can honestly say I understand both views, minus the veneral diseases.

All I can say is wow. Loves it

Olamild said...

For a minute, I thought this was real
Thank GOD say i never cry sef

I really don't know what to say to this
It's just really sad

Afrobabe said...

wow...I would have beaten the other woman just for the fun of it...

sad but I also see myself in the other woman...

sometimes in relationships you are the other woman without even knowing....

Zephi said...

nice one again...

marriae sef..
this kain is not my portion...God forbid it happens hopefully I will be wise enough to pack my bags and leave

Anonymous said...

I'm sending someone to organise you! LOL Great read. Great write-up.


simplynuttie said...

My first time here and its really worth it.

Will i too have to face the dilemma of a cheating spouse?

Will i have to consider confronting the other woman? I dont think so...

I am really scared of this being called MAN.

laspapi said...

interesting dialogue...I could see them both.

princesa said...

So who is the victim here??
I think its the housewife, she's let her self esteem be battered by the useless man.

Women learn!!!

Isi said...

hmmm.... women and their issues

Allied said...

The confrontation should be with her husband not the other woman. Some women truly believes this is the way to save their marriage.


Lighty said...

this is deep. umm i think women shuld talk with one another more often. and as for men, why cant they just stop cheating and stop being carriers? God help us.

Rayo said... many women get to this point where they're just stuck in their marriage. It's like a catch 22, especially when you have kids.

Naapali said...

Wow! Catwalq, your writing prowess is already well established with your Academies (for their breadth, characters and imagination). In this piece though you delve deep into why these two women are who they are and first offer the popular (external) reasons, and then switch to the personal (internal) reasons for these women. By the end of reading I saw two women, both victims yet both able to stop seeing the other as opponent but fellow traveller. Bravo Catwalq, Bravo!

For the love of me said...

I do not believe in confronting the other woman, but I probably understand why women do it. It would work with me, If I were dating a married man, and his wife confronted me, and threatened perhaps to make a public scene, Me I be big cowardooo, I will so run, I absolutely hate to be embarassed.

UnNaked Soul said...

*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*

This might sound vein, but you'll cease to be my love when you cease to be intelligent...



No one is the victim or otherwise... we all have our choice and sacrifice quota. When we become slaves to our desires and our dreams, we sometimes expend our choices and sacrifices, and get no fulfilling result. Left with nothing, we blame others 'cos it is more comforting than then idea of getting our ass and act up, and rise above our fall.

Life judges us (if) by our actions and not by the actions of other upon us.

Ore said...

Really enjoyed this. Very well written.

I think for a lot of women it's easier to see the other woman as the villain. However at the end of the day, it's the cheating man who should be confronted, not the woman. Afterall if it's not one woman, it'll probably be another.

Jaja said...

Excellent.. very incisive and insightful. Made me think.

NikkiSab said...

Na who de suffer? chei..wat a cruel world.

Pix Gremlin (akin) said...

So, does she finally get to confront her husband?

Nice read, madam...

Anonymous said...

When i was much younger i used to be very critical about "the other woman" like theres no reason ever 4 dealing with married men

Not making the "other woman" the victim now but im getting to understand how ez it is for unmarried ladies to settle for any shit crap that come their way and take a whole lot of nonsense even while chopping the shit!

I dont kno w how frustrating it can be being unmarried at a certain time in life but i see a lot of ladies going through hell

Damn the society is 2 harsh on unmarried accomplished ladies without even looking twice at their unmarried men folk like its a sin

As for the man ill totally deal with the useless husband he wont know wot hit him lo

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

Aunty Sydelle: I dey o, u nko?

An Ibo dude: Thank you...yeah, there is some insanity in this world

Nyemoni: I am fine o. I am loving the layout too. One needs an upgrade from time to time. Like changing your weave so u don't have lice.

Bighead: Maybe, a philandeering man can change his ways. I doubt it. Second, it's all about him getting away with what he is doing because he is not held accountable for it.

Geisha: I know...too many of our sisters in either one of the two roles

Jaybabe: Even we ask, they don't have an answer.

Teediva: I am looking for a literary agent.

Q.O.M.C: That is interesting, you saying that you have been on both ends of the spectrum. Maybe you can share what that is like...

Olamild: if you ask around, you will find these women in some other woman you know...

Afrobabe: beat her for what? How do you know that she herself cannot beat you? or you think she is some wiltering flower? Why will you waste energy and risk hurting yourself or your new manicure

Zephi: we all hope we can be wise and strong enough to leave...

Ide: where is the person?

Simplynuttie: why are you scared of MAN? He is just what is he is, "man". With flaws and factory defects. You just have to decide which defect, you can ignore and which ones you must never allow...

Laspapi: I can see them too. I can see the restaurant. The sounds of the city passing by and the tension in the air.

Princessa: I think they are both victims because they have allowed themselves to be so

Isi: Women and their issues, indeed

Allied: Most women are afraid of their own strength because our society does not celebrate them.

Lighty: yes, women should talk to each other more often. Why do men cheat? Because they can get away with it.

Rayo: you are never stuck in a marriage. You are either in one or out of one...shikena

Naapali: Thanks. From you, that's alot

For the love of me: why would you put yourself in a situation where you can be embarassed?

Unnaked: KPOM! Nothing to add. You said it.

Ore: yes, we blame another woman for the man's transgressions. We blame society when we conform to stereotypical roles...we blame , we blame , we blame. I choose to be in charge of my own life so I have no one to blame but myself.

Jaja: what did u think about?

Nikisab: who dey suffer na who allow least in this case

Akin: well, you can take this one step further...what do u think?

Jummy: Hmmmnnn. I too used to be critical of the other woman and condemning of the woman-at-home. Now, I ask myself as I nurture my own relationship, what I will do if I found out that I have been betrayed. I even ask myself, if I could be the one who betrays the relationship. I don't know but I always pray that I have the sense to choose something that is good for me...

Florida of Free Spirit said...

First timer. Not so impressed by the dialogue, don't know y but it just didn't ring true to me. Too logical, too nice, no real emotions. Nevertheless, agree with the theme. Women always attack their fellow women, don't know why? Is it that the agree with the men psychology that says bobos r too weak to resist temptation, therefore it's the tempter that has to be the culprit? As for confronting the mistress - BIG MISTAKE!!! Never been a mistress (at least not with my knowledge), but i imagine i'd beat the crap out of any woman that comes near me to ask silly question. For heaven's sake, sort ur problems with ur husband!!! As for sacrificing, it has to be two-way, else 'i no follow o'

damani said...

stumbled on ur blog and i must admit. its so interesteing.
ur a fabulous writer
anyways keep updating. am a fan

Dami said...

this is fk brilliant!! omg woooow!
i had to read it 3 times it was just so hmm perfect! a Billion for your thoughts!!!

Anonymous said...

I know what drove my husband to his actions.I want to know what is driving her. My husband was cheating with a marriage and family therapist. How could you know of the destruction you'll cause and still do it. I don't think man men think they'll get caught. She knew he was married with kids and still played the mistress role.

Anonymous said...

they are both responsible. we have a duty to each other. marriages and families should be respected.both the husband and the mistress showed disrespect to the marriage and total disregard to the wife. should the mistress go without being held responsible for her actions? The husband definitely should be held responsible!He made the contract but she help commit the crime.

grace2me said...

Wow! It's amazing to see how morally correct many of the comments are in earlier post(molesting a daughter),and how morally bankrupt the same bloggers are in relation to infidelity. The wife and children are victims! They did not ask to have this pain and demoralization inflicted upon them.
Infidelity is a horrific betrayal that involves more than just the spouse. This idea of I'm lonely and I have needs so forget anyone else is terrible! That's what thieves,and rapist do! They think of fulfilling their own needs with little or no consideration to others.

And Yes, sometimes people want to look the person in the face who has caused them nightmares, and pain!To see the monster! To have their day in court!She's lucky this woman didn't want to inflict some of the pain she was in on the mistress. (no, that's not the way).

It is a wonderful thing to raise your children and should not be looked at as weakness!

Statistics show that children typically live in inferior housing and have more turmoil later in life when they come from broke homes. We need to build our families and communities,not justify the destruction of them!!
"All for one and one for all" NOT "every man for himself"