Sunday, November 25, 2007

Memoirs of the V spot III

Before you start, I will like to invite you to check this out. To the women, feel free to share your stories about that part of your anatomy that brings us joy, pain, confusion and comfort. And to the men, feel free to analyse that which your pursuit of defines your life's decisions.

Thank you for coming out to meet with me

Well, you sounded like it was very important to you that I did and so I am here

Thank you. It means alot to me and my girls that you are here

You're welcome. I still do not see what I am doing here.

I wanted to speak to you woman to woman.


I wanted to look into your eyes when I did that


I wanted to look into your eyes because I knew for some reason that they will not lie to me


I want to know why you will not leave my husband for me. Why you will not leave the father of my children and allow our family to be in peace. Why you don't think that a woman as beautiful as you or as intelligent and accomplished must take what does not belong to you...

*bursts into laughter* Oh my goodness....this is just too think he belongs to you? If he did, then why are you here?

I came to meet with you because not only did I want an explanation from you, I also wanted to beg you to leave him for me. Leave my husband alone.

*still laughing* Oh my God, this is the funniest thing I have heard all day. Can I just ask you what you do for a living?

I am sorry?

If we are talking woman to woman, may I ask you what you do with yourself all day?

I am a housewife. I would assume that you knew that.

I don't have to know anything about you. You are of no importance to me. My point is, if you had something better with your time, you will not have tracked me down- not that I was hiding- and made all the hulla-balloo about you needing to meet with you

I did not come here to fight with you

Really? Maybe my English is poor because just a minute ago you implied that I was desperate and deviant, bent on making you unhappy since I could not find some of my own.

I did...

For your information, your husband and I are no longer together. It ended more than two months ago. So, you either need to step up your investigating skills or start them again

What do you mean? I followed you...I checked his...

*shakes head* What for? What did you think you were going to get out of this? This conversation that you have expended nights and days on, planning what you will say, how you will confront me...did you plan the same for your husband? Because if you did not, then what do you think a talk with me will do?


Eyiwunmi...that is your name right? Why are you here? Think about your answer before you give it

I want to save my marriage


What do you mean "why"? Do you know what commitment is? Do you know what I have been through? Do you know about my children, what they have been through? Do you know how many years we have been married...?

How many years? cannot...

And you are here confronting your husband's ex lover for his infidelities instead of the culprit himself.

Have you no shame? Why would you go with another woman's man?

Because he belongs to no one but himself.


That man that you are running all over town for, greying your hair prematurely for, loves no one but himself. Do you think he loves you? Do you think he loved me or loves any of the others? And don't even look at me like you think I am the only one. You must have known for seventeen years that his dick does not dip into just one hole

I beg your...

Please!!! don't insult me with your feigned propriety. You and I both know that that man is useless. You know why it was over? In over ten years that I have lost my virginity, I have never contracted anything. I slept with that useless waste of oxygen...

that's my husband you are talking about

Uh...mumu. That idiot gave me the clap. Are you going to tell me that he has never given you anything? If so, then he has not been to you in a long, long, loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time and if that is the case, you know that he defintely does not belong to you

You are very rude...I did not come here to fight you

Look, since you said that you wanted to talk to me woman to woman, then I will talk to you woman to woman. I returned the advances of your husband because plain and simple, he offered them. I am thirty eight. I am not married and have never been. I run my own business and you know that I am not doing badly. Whilst this is no excuse, how many single men do you know that want to be with me. Men out there are either too old, married or both. And the younger ones want someone to upgrade them so they can chase after women their age or younger. I have needs. I too want companionship. I want affection. A connection. Dotun offered it to me, albeit in the position of a second wife and I was like, what the heck? What else do I have to loose? Society has written me off for being successful and single and childless. Men are intimidated by me. Maybe I will get some attention a couple of times a year...I mean, that beats nothing at all

Look at the way you're talking. Are you listening to yourself? Do you believe the words that are coming out of your mouth?

What do you mean, do I believe what I am saying? Where do you want me to start from at thirty-eight? Or how different do you think you are from me when you are running around town accosting your husband's mistresses because you are afraid to confront him on his betrayals and/or walk away from the pain of them. I itched for three weeks and I had had it. You must have been itching for seventeen plus years and you sit here and judge me for being desperate.*laughs* are you looking at yourself?

I love my husband

Nobody said you should not love him. Question is, does he love you? Or even , are you in love with your husband or the idea of a husband?

This is not going the way I planned. This has been a waste of time

Has it? Pray tell, what did you expect? Did my agreeing to meet with you not indicate that it would not go as you expected. I can just see you now, puffed up in your righteousness, ready for battle. Probably, those careening fools you walked in, who are just itching to leave their table and bring their aproko legs here, are your back up amunition; in the event of a fight. I came alone and I will leave alone. It has been that way for years. I have been alone because I have refused continously to compromise my standards. I am not asking for too much to be loved and respected. For my body to be regarded seperately from my brain and not as a suntitute for it. For my work to be respected. For a child not to be the stamp of my womanhood. For a life in my own right.

Then why would you destroy my life? It was not perfect but it was mine. You mock my husband now that you have discarded him or he discarded you; whichever one is the truth, I am not concerned. But he is all I have. You chose your career and now you are lonely and sleeping with other people's husbands

And you chose marriage and family and you are here in a restaurant arguing with your husband's mistress. I am not sure I see how your life is better. My point is, I have walked away from your husband and my temporary lapse in judgement. I have my work and great friends to fall back on. I pray that in my lifetime, I find someone to love me. I am a good person and I have tried to do good in my life. But I am human and I have a human woman's needs.

* thought* I do not know what to say

I will say that I am sorry. I am sorry that you have been hurt by my actions. I am just like you, trying to find my happiness in anyway possible. I looked through the wrong door and saw someone else's life and thought it could be mine. I am sorry. But I am not the only one responsible and no longer responsible

I know you are not

Then why did you come to me?

Because you are the only one to have walked away from him.

*sits back, hand on chin* And you thought I would show you how to do the same?

Maybe. I am confused. And tired.

Today is so much more interesting than I imagined. How many others have you met?

You are the only one

Why do you stay?

He always comes back to me. And he never really leaves. He is there in the morning when I wake up. His daughters have never had to ask me where their father is. He is loving and caring towards me and when he comes to my bed, it is like he sees only me. That he loves only me. Why am I not enough for him?

Because there are some dumb heiffers out there like me who will give to him what he should not have

Yes. No offence

None taken

I don't know why stay. It's like my medication to treat the after effects of his betrayals. I take them because I feel I don't have a choice

That cannot be healthy for you. Contracting diseases like that.

I miscarried five years ago. I did not even know that I was pregnant. I had an infection and lost the baby.

I am so sorry

It was not your fault. You see why, it is so hard for me to walk away? When I think of all I have sacrificed for this man?

Did he ask you to?


Did he ask you to sacrifice for him?

It's what wives do.

Then I guess that's one of the reasons I am not married

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A note of Thanks

All over blogville, posts have being going up in gratitude all month long. I have been tagged, in my opinion not to join the band wagon but to remind me to take a look at life and at the things that I should be thankful for.

I am thankful I am alive. Many aren't. Some wish they weren't. Some aren't going to be for much longer. I am here and fine. I am grateful for that

I am thankful that I have the HU. And that with It, I will always know what to do. And even though I might make a stupid decision from which it might appear there is no redemption, this prayer will always ensure that the will of God is done in my life...even if it means that I have to dance to my own music

I am thankful for my family. They have been so strong through alot of drama. They have stood by me and have celebrated any and all accomplishments, down played all faux pas and shared love and gratitude with me.

I am thankful that falling in love is no longer a mystery. It has been simplified, terrifying but also welcome.

I am thankful for the gift of time. It sometimes is killing when it means I have to wait but it also means it gives space to grow, to learn more

I am thankful for the gift of words. We throw them around on blogville and in our day to day loves, sometimes carelessly, but they are powerful and beautiful.

I am thankful for music. The songs that make me smile and remember that I am Soul, a spark of the most divine

I am thankful for carbohydrates which though lodge in my thighs, give me comfort

I am thankful for dreams. Imagine if you had none, what would you look forward to in life?

I am thankful for being born in a time and in a home where there was no war or suffering. I am thankful that I don't have to experience either. I am also thankful that I am aware of their effects so that I may live a life in service to others so that neither happens as a result of my actions

I am thankful for Youtube, Facebook and Gmail.

I am thankful for Current TV

I am thankful for my laptop who has been though so much and still keeps running

I am thankful for the gift of film

I am thankful for sex...good sex

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for my voice

I am thankful for the knowledge that the worst has past and the best is beginning its arrival

I am thankful for my life

I am thankful

Monday, November 19, 2007

Memoirs of the V Spot II

Before you start, I will like to invite you to check this out. To the women, feel free to share your stories about that part of your anatomy that brings us joy, pain, confusion and comfort. And to the men, feel free to analyse that which your pursuit of defines your life's decisions.

Young girl, wetin be your name


Wetin you dey do here?

Na my tisha bring me come. make dokita helep me make I no dey be like this again

Wetin dey do you?

I no know...I dey piss. I dey hol am, i dey hol am. e no gree. na im make dem say make I comot for house. say i dey smell.

When the doctor talk say im go do your operation?

im talk say tomorrow

When you recuperate, wetin you wan do?

I no sabi dat one

when you recover, wetin you wan do? when u no be like this again, u wan go your papa house?

*shakes head *I no too wan make tomorrow come. but the smell dey worry me. so make e come but i no wan go my papa house.


my papa say make i no come im house. say na me make Okpidingo vex come dirty our house.

what is...wetin be Okpidingo?

na spirit. e vex say i bad so e collect my pikin . Na im collect my pikin

U get pikin?

*shakes head*

wey the pikin

e dies

I am sorry

nooo, e no big. so e dies

Wey the papa? the pikin papa?

E dey house?

Na im bring you come here? my tisha. my tisha come carry me for road where I dey sleep, na im bring me here

So your husband chase you comot for house and your papa chase you comot for house?


Wey your mama?

e dies...many long away . na she get de shop wey she dey take pay my school money. when she no dey. my papa e don dey sick tey tey.

How old are you?


i see...


I understand

Ok...u hav sweet?

No, I am sorry.

All de oda womens dey bring sweet and biscuit come. Dis dress sef, na dem give me

Oh, that's nice.

After tomorrow, i go wash am well well. e no smell again. wheesh womens are you?


wheesh womens are you? u no oyinbo and the womens wey come before, dey no stay long. dem take pigsho, dem comot. some of dem dey follow us talk but some dem come look us and dem comot. dem no see my garden. u wan see my garden?

U get garden?

Yes, I get aibeesgos. i get one yellow one. i don forget im name but i get aibeesgos. na there i dey do my assignments

u have assignments?

i dey go school. dem get school here. my tisha and im wife say make i come dia ouse when i comot. na im wife make my hair. e fine, no?

very beautiful. u r a very beautiful girl.

Tomorrow. after dokita. i fine better better. i clean. i no smell. i no dirty again.

You were never dirty, my sister.



Ok. Come make I show you my garden. the aunty for keeshin ave some mango. i gi you one.

Thank you

Wetin be ya name


My name na Alice

I know

You be my friend?

Yes. I am your friend. I am your sister.

Okay, next time , you bring sweet come. ok and i keep mango for you




Saturday, November 17, 2007

Memoirs of the V spot

Before you start, I will like to invite you to check this out. To the women, feel free to share your stories about that part of your anatomy that brings us joy, pain, confusion and comfort. And to the men, feel free to analyse that which your pursuit of defines your life's decisions.

Dear Sir and Ma,
By the time this letter reaches you, my wife and I will be on our way out of the country. To a place that I shall not tell anyone because we both need to get away for a while. She needs to get away and I am going to take her somewhere I know she will feel safe and try to be happy.
The intervention worked. After I spoke with Ma, I called the one other woman whose opinions I value and took her advice. I went home, took my wife into a room and locked us both in there; refusing to let neither her nor me out until we had figured out our problem. Or at least until I had found out if the problem was my fault or hers. It's not hers and it is not mine.
The past seven hours have been the most excruciatingly painful of my life. I had to ignore my wife's tears and pleading as I too wept and pleaded with her. What was the problem? It is not natural, what is going on; I told her. Something is wrong and I just have to know. How, I asked of her, do I tell the world that my wife of eight months will not allow me to touch her, freezes when I do to the point where the last time we tried being intimate, she blacked out. Something was wrong. I did not know what it was and I was angry that I had never seen it.
Maybe I should have been more suspect about how distant she was the first time I saw her. I took her silence and refusal to meet my gaze or shake my hand to mean that she was shy and reserved. I took her refusal to let me hold her in public to mean that she did not trust herself with me and decided to wait till our marriage to show her the physical side of our connection. I imagined that her near extreme lack of experience was because your upbringing of her had been strict. Her silences meant she was thoughtful. The trembling in her form when I held her equated for me, her suppressed desires.
`You don't know my confusion the first time we were together. I tried to ask her but I did not know how to because she looked so afraid that I too became afraid. I came to you Ma, because I felt as her confidante, you might be able to shed light on your own me understand my wife. I realised I had married a child. Yes, she can cook any woman out of her home and shame disinfectant with her cleanliness.
That's another thing. The cleanliness. Anytime I came close to her, she would rise in the middle of the night to scrub herself so hard that there were red splotches on her neck and arms. I thought she was being clean but I later realised she was trying to get me off her. Why? Was I filthy? I too started bathing before coming to bed. There was no change to her reaction. I did not know what to do. She was not happy because I was not happy and I was not happy because she was not happy.
It was after our conversation that I realised that something terrible had gone wrong. In fact, I was almost sure what exactly it was. What I was horrified to find out was whom and for how long.
So, I am taking my woman away from here. Somewhere where together we can try to help her find her way from the nine year old she was before you Sir, came and destroyed her innocence. I did not come to you because if I had, I would not be on my way to a distant land but on my way to prison for having skewered you.
And as for you Ma, sitting back while the animal you call a husband defiles your daughter continuously. I was told that she had been a bubbly and lively child and that suddenly she stopped talking and when she resumed, it was in sporadic and short sentences. I guess she felt that no one would hear her screams or believe them.
She has begged me not to tell anyone. It's not something that I want to keep quiet because if you could hurt the flower of your own garden, what is to stop you from trampling on another man's. I have eyes watching you. I have ears listening to you. Every move you make, I will be there and when the time is right, I will come back and thank you for all you have done.
I don't know how long it will take. I, as her man, have to pay for your sins. I am just happy that I found this out. Imagine me in my stupidity, coming to both of you to please help me talk to your daughter. I can't imagine how much damage I have done. The good thing is that we have the rest of our lives to make it right for her and for us as well.
Don't bother to contact my family. My father knows. Remember he does not much like you. He must have sensed your pedigree when you met.
Thank you for at least giving birth to this incredible woman. This woman whose strength or beauty you cannot take and whose joys you will never know.
What ever is left of your days, spend it together. You deserve to.

Your Son-in law

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dear Father

How much longer is my wait
To realise my fate
when will this dream cease to be
a dream and become a reality for me

Have I made a mistake
That turned me away from you?
Or have I simply not done
all the things you want me to

I sit here and watch others build
build all their heart's desire
rules i refuse to break
lest I walk a painful path of fire

still I cannot say that it's been that bad
cos even on the darkest days, it's not that dark
and the silence still contains whispers
to calm my frantic and panicked heart

Please help me
Father please take me
To the place that I have earned
Hopefully it's the same place I desire as well
if not
Then let me know
where and how far I have to go
because this torture of not being able to know
is becoming a secret hell

Dear Father
I know you hear me
As always you do
Your daughter is wondering
what next she should do
I guess I have to hold on a little longer
Though my arms are tired
cos I am not the only one holding
There's also the ones from whom I am sired.

Still I thank you for my little huge miracles
That make the days pass pleasant
And cushions to the falls
so the scrapes are distant
Help me be what you want me to be
A replica in the image of thee
so that I can manifest to me
The dreams that only I see

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A typical Friday

7.00 am
Alarm Rings...

Oh, damn. Stupid alarm
What time is it?
i still have two hours till class

7.45 am
I still have time
Why did I even wake up sef?

8.30 am ( Class is at 9.10)
Oh God. Please help me wake up
Oya Catwalq, lift your leg...
lift your....

8.45 am
Mo daran
Where is the toothpaste?
I have not even prayed
May the Blessings Be
What will I wear o
Let me look out the window, is it sunny
Aaahh, I see people in multiple layers
Beige coat it is...illfitting but warm
Who on earth is in the bathroom at this time?
"Hey girl, what's up?....yeah, I am take your time"
What kind of nonsense is this?
While she is glueing on her face let me lay out my outfit.
No can't wear this one...have put on weight
The button's off
I don't like the way the hem sits on my shoes
Not warm enough
T-shirt and Jeans it is....
"Oh you're out? thanks . be right there"
Where is my text book?
ok...I don't have one
Notebook I meant
Do I have any assignment?
Thank God, not today
Yeeeee, I have to finish my sketches for 2.00pm.....
What is the time
9 o'clock?
Well, class is at 9.10 so I have ten minutes to take a bath, curl my hair,get dressed and get downstairs, out and up the hill to class...
Where is the toothpaste?...I am going to bite this girl today
"Yo, you're supposed to cover the tube when you're done and why is the paste caking at the top?"
is this heiffer giggling?
Boya o ro pe mo n sere ni...nonsense!!!
brush, brush, brush, brush...where is the flat iron...brush, brush, brush, brush
this my face that looks like the surface of the moon
"Hun? .....Sure..."
Aveeno facial scrub
Maybe I should stop accepting poverty and just invest in proactive
Girl, you need to loose some weight. Stop wearing those corset tops, they are deceiving you
I will start my diet tomorrow
No, come to think of it, I have that thing in the morning
I will start on Sunday...oooh, have service
I will start on Monday so that it will be the beginning of the week and I will be disciplined.
Run the water for the shower.....aaaaaarrrrrggghhhh, I guess that's not the hot side

10.45 am
one, two, three, four
walk, walk, walk
men, I am so late, it's disgusting

11.15 am
Professor: that is how you can manipulate smoke from refuse disposal into a public display of art. Using all we have discussed, the project is due on Friday
Catwalq: what project?
Professor: I do not acknowledge the presence of those who disrupt my class with lateness.
Catwalq: I am sor...
Professor: See you next week
Catwalq: Ugh!!! see yourself?

I am upset with myself
putting myself in that position where just anybody will be talking to me anyhow
I am going to go eat something

you know you should not be drinking sweet stuff
oh, I remember I am starting it on Monday so one little drink won't hurt
Ehen where is that bag of rendering pens?

1.50 pm (rushing to design class at 2.00)
oya comot for road if you cannot walk
who holds hands and lover-doveys in the street in winter?
these akata people sef
Dang girl, what is that on your head?
There's a brown girl in the ring tra lalalala
There's a brown girl in the ring tra lalalalalala
Oooooh, I want those pair of shoes
Wonder how much they cost...
EWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO u want to use your jalopy to kill me?
how will i tell people that I was hit by ambulance?
Go and tell them am not home o?

3.00 Pm (browsing the internet in class)
hmnnn....20 comments....nyzeeeeeee
Professor: Ms Catwalq, would your housing be less dense or more dense?
Catwalq: hun? I am sorry? (chineke, was he talking to me all this time?) Please can you repeat the question?
Professor: On this campus would the housing be less dense or more dense?
Catwalq (which campus? which of the housing? think! Think!! Think!!!) uhhhhh, as dense.
Professor: Hun?
Class: hun?
Catwalq: It should be equal-equal
Professor: Okayeeeeee, any answers
(six hands go up)
Why did you not ask them first....
Let me play my mahjong jooo
I am about ready to start my weekend
Why has he not called?
I hate all this transatlantic loving men
my phone bill is in the pits
He has to call
let me flash him
yeah, i no dey shame o...011 ....
I definitely have to start my workouts
where is that my bellydancing DVD?
and my yoga DVD?
and my taebo DVD?
I need to find one and get serious
yeah, I am starting Monday and this time it's for real
When is this class going to be over?
I want to see that free movie men...yeah broke chick's in the house
Eeeehhh it looks like I am really going to be in the house today
It is raining ke?
me I am not going anywhere o
Olorun ma je
with this demonic icy rain in this place
i want some tea
yeah, hot lime tea and plenty sugar

6.30 pm
you are almost home
just a few more steps
you're almost home
why could I not have applied to a school in California or Florida
Maybe earthquake would have carried my class away
Or hurricanes
Mba, winter it is

7.00 pm
ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba (those that know the JD song know what I am singing here)
ooooh what is this template on BimbyLads blog?
let me try and change my own

8.00 pm
MO GBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have deleted my blog

8.05 pm
*phew* false alarm
all these yeye free sturves on the internet to mess up my evening

9.00 pm
Good night
No more energy for a fight.

11.30 pm
I am hungry
where is that ice cream?

Sunday, November 04, 2007

An ode to Jenny...from Bimbylads book

Thanks to Bimbylads for the inspiration...

I am not angry.
I am numb.
I am not feeling anything.
I don't think I can or will ever more.
Why are you asking me to look at you?
What do you think I will see?
Other than the one who has taken my trust and brought me to my knees.
What is her name?
Why her?
What does she have that I don't?
Does her mind produce the words that you claimed seduced you so?
Or is it a lack of her ability to do that that you sought in the first place?
Does her skin rise at the sound of your voice like mine does?
Do her hips match the oscillation of yours in a fierce dance of desire?
Do her lips part to paint the night with sounds of pain that only pleasure can provide?
Does she make your whole being slam to a screaming halt?
Do her nails make the scratches that you so like to admire like badges of a night well spent?
What does she have?
What does she smell like?
Jasmine? Citrus? Silken sheets?
What does she taste like?
What does she have?
Does she drop all she is doing to rush home to bring you the report that you were reminded time and time again to take with you but inadvertently you forgot?
Does she spend time pouring through recipes to create dishes from places you have never been but you imagine that upon eating them you will go?
Does she hold you when the attacks come? When your own body works against you to deprive you the freedom of air?
Doe she hold you in the night when nightmares terrorize your dreams? And say not a word even though she knows you will never admit to the fears that plague your night?
Has she met your mother? That witch that was sent by the devils and trained by his demons to make my life a living hell?
Has she met that woman from whom I have hidden all your failures and up to whom you will never speak in my favour?
Has she met the woman who begrudges me her lack of a grandson when three beautiful princesses glorify our home?
Has she met your drunken brother whose filthy paws constantly grab at my breasts like they belong to him and whose alcoholism you defend and expose our children to?
Has she met your family members to whom you will not confess the true state of our finances but are quick to give them all their heart's desires while I have to sell off one inheritance after the other?
Has she met that good for nothing human waste, Kalu, you call a best friend? I am sure she has. He probably introduced the two of you.
What does she look like?
Who is she?
Is she as stupid as I for staying with you all this time? Praying each day that maybe the man I fell in love in will be the one to return to me from his hard day's work?
So, what do you plan to do with her?
Is she to replace me?
What have I done wrong?
What have I not given you?
My heart? I gave it to you. I don't think you remember what you did with it
My life? I don't know what it is without being miserable with you.
My body? It bears the scars of carrying your seed three times. Of receiving your seed a million times. Irrespective of if I was in the mood or not.
Why are you asking me to look at you when you are not answering my questions?
Why are you telling me this?
You did not tell me before you went to her. Before you thrust into her body that part of you, you used to say was mine.
Was it ever?
Why are you getting angry at my questions?
Do I look angry to you?
*laughs and shakes head*
Why are you looking like that?
Why are you holding your stomach?
What is wrong with you?
Oh, you better answer my questions.
Cos I am not getting up from here until you do.
And there is no way you will get to the hospital on time.
Why are you looking at me like that?
You thought I did not know what you were planning to tell me tonight?
Do I look stupid to you?
I guess I must cos I am amazed you did not know that I knew
Well dear, I always did.
Stop gasping like will wake the kids.
Yeah, those chemicals will do that to you.
It's so funny how selfish you have become.
You don't even realise that we have not eaten together in years.
You don't even notice that I do not eat when you eat because you creep up in here at the most God-awful hours of the day.
Well, better start talking.
I am not sure how much longer you have.
You see, I am stupid.
I did not read the warnings on the label