Sunday, August 12, 2007


5. YOSH X 10
6. FINE BOY X 35
7. UBONG DA X 18
12. JAJA X 12
13. GEISHA X 2

Jeremy Naija blog: I really need to go home. My driver has been here for over an hour.

30+: hmn, i think you want to ride the ambulance home. They are waiting for you outside.

Jeremy: why is everyone so mad at me? did i lie when I said they were making noise. they were...or did you not notice.

Princessa: all that one na yarns men.

Jeremy: I beg your pardon

30+: hei, chineke they will brush dis oyinbo boy today o

Jeremy: I have done nothing wrong.

Princess: didn't anyone explain to you exactly how writing-names-of-noise-makers goes?

Jeremy: Mrs. Somebody told me to write the names of anyone who makes a sound and subsequently add a mark every time after that.


30+: u are only supposed to warn them. You are not really supposed to give the teacher their names.

Jeremy: I am supposed to lie? Then where is the integrity in being the noise captain?

Princessa (bursts into laughter): sobquo, intagreetie, dis is going to be funny men. Toyintomato have break a branch and she said she will use it and kola si e loju

Jeremy: i never quite follow you, Princessa.

30+: she just means that Toyintomato is waiting for you outside with a stick. She intends to make marks on your face with it.

.Jeremy: My God, why has everyone gone crazy? I only did as I was asked. why is everyone on my case.

30+: I feel you. well, the boys were handed over to the seniors for punishment and Mrs. Somebody took the girls.

Princessa: and you know the seniors don't like us.

Jeremy: They don't...? Wha...

Toyintomato: ehen! dis ez whia u a hydeeng? Hmn, Jehrehmee, what did i does u, ehn, what did I does you? Dat u came and went and gave my name to Mrs. Somebodee?

Waffarian: Broda from obodo, na here u dey. we know know now. we dey find you.
(The class fills up with the girls)

Solomonsydelle: Jeremy, u wrote my name on the noisemakers list? when was I making noise?

Jeremy: if you all calm down, I can tell you exactly when you made my list.

Toyintomato: make your list. Hy did not make your list o. was heet not u dat write it yoursef?

30+: u guys please calm down. U guys will get in more trouble o

Idemmili: 30+, 30+, i know say ur eyes no go see road after oyinbo man don look your side.

30+: Idemmili, please watch yourself o.

Ex School: abeg, make I hear word. Ngbo, Jeremy, you were writing names today and of all the people you could see to name, you put mine.

Toyintomato: leave him o, atoole osi.

Princessa: (giggles)

Jeremy: ladies....

Solomonsydelle: u and who are lady-ing? abi u think u are still in london abi it even paris sef?

Idemmilli: don't mind this scotland boy.

Jeremy: I am from England

Toyintomato: hand then?

Waffarian: your return can be arranged cos I need to repay you generously for the opportunity you presented me with having to clean the toilets.

Toyintomato: Hand Hy ad to go clia the deesgozteen keecheen gottas.

Exschool: can you imagine?

Jeremy: I am sorry you had to experience that but you must admit you girls were making noise. I mean, Waffarian, you were roaring loud in Pidgin English about whatever it was you were talking about and when I looked at you in warning, you waved at me.

Waffarian: Make I no greet you again? see me see trouble o

Toyintomato: Mststshhw!

Idemmili: abi

Jeremy: and u Idemmilli, am not even sure what "heaving bosoms and pulsating members" are but you and Ubong Da sure do

Solomonsydelle: when was I making noise Jeremy? you have still not answered my question.

Jeremy: I am surprised you don't remember with you and Jaja nearly coming to blows.

Solomonsydelle: so defending myself is now noise making

Ex School: oya prepare to defend yourself cos you are about to make some noise

Idemmili: and I guarantee you it will not involve heaving bosoms.

30+: u guys match your brakes o, match your brakes

Jeremy: what is all this?

Princessa: (laughing)

(Overwhelmed and Geisha walk in laughing, encounter the situation and freeze)

Geisha: chineke me, what is going on here

Overwhelmed: gen gen, what is popping

Toyintomato: whia hare you comeeng frohm?

Overwhelmed: from Back Gate.

Geisha: went to get Suya, what is going on?

Waffarian: nothing.

Jeremy: no, I am being accosted by them cos their names were on the noise makers list.

Geisha: their names were on the list or you put their names on the list.

Jeremy :....

Overwhelmed: come to think of it, I should be vexed with you.

idemmili: come to think of it, you should, where are you coming from?

Geisha: u know Alhjaji Blogger Generalwants to marry Overwhelmed. He organised her all this suya. U should see. (both girls open their bags)

Toyintomato: Jisoz!!! did hall the sheekens heen the town die?

Waffarian: o baby, dis jollification is not going to be a solo effort.

Overwhelmed: haba, u should know me now, if i wanted to solo it, I would not have come to class.
(they deposit the bag on Jeremy's desk and everyone begins to dig in)

Ex School: 30+ you won't eat? See princessa has jaboed you. Jeremy, u won't eat?

Jeremy: (slightly bewildered) no thank you. I am going home.
(the boys walk in)


Jeremy: Oh lord, not again.

Jaja (singing): white man
white man
bring a little white rope for the white man

Ubong Da: Idemmili, freeze, thou shalt not indulge in the sins of the stomach alone.

Idemmili: Mststshhw!

Yosh :what are you still doing here?

D.O.G: mhmmmm, i smell spicy suya.

Omodudu: please tell me that Overwhelmed has got the hook up again.

Overwhelmed: u're damn right.

Omodudu: I am going to marry this chick. yeee

Atutupoyoyo: Jeremy, odaran, u are still here. U wrote my name. Awww, o boy why now.

Princessa: u guys nearly missed, the girls were going to brush him

30+: girl, your mouth will not koba u o. what are you playing at?

Jaja: eh, dibs on front row seating men. I am on Ugo's desk.

Yosh:I am going to assume, you are going to tell me how I got on your list.

Jeremy: (standing up) you know what, since none of you want to face the fact that maybe, just maybe, you were indeed making noise, then you can go ahead and brush, sweep, broom me...whatever the case may be. Just get it all over in five minutes. The driver has been waiting for me and I am possibly holding him up from picking up my dad from work.

Atutupoyoyo: LIVER!!!

Toyintomato: Liva koo, kidney ni. e rush e joo

Yosh: TT girl, pleasecalm down and pass me that breast.

Toyinyomato: eh Jisoz!

Yosh: chicken breast, that big piece there.

Jeremy: then it is settled, bye, thanks 30+ for everything. will see you tomorrow.

Fine Boy: o boy where are you going to? u have to sample this suya.

Jeremy: no thanks.

Yosh and Ubong Da: TAKE IT!!!!

Jeremy (assessing the situation, accepts a piece of meat) Thank you.

Toyintomato: u berra heat it veghy well. Heat eet hand swallow heet properly.

Jaja: oya e don do, next time, you will not be selling sweet and biscuit in class
(everyone bursts into laughter)

Yosh: yeah, cos it was when we were talking that my name got put down.

Jaja: solomonsydelle, solomonsydelle. i see u. i see u. soffry massacre that meat now. the thing is already dead.

Solomonsydelle: u people, I will bite this boy o.

Fine Boy: people, people, people; please allow me to enjoy this suya in peace and tranquility

Ubong Da: and the randiness of your thoughts

Idemmili: which one is doing him sef?

Jaja: Me thinks our boy is sprung

Jeremy: hun? (everyone looks at him)...sorry...ignore me

Fine Boy: no, no, no people, allow the guy and by the way Jeremy that meat is not going to eat itself. don't waste Alhaji Blogger General's finest.

Yosh (to Overwhelmed): does that guy know that you are not even yet fifteen?

Atutupoyoyo: wetin "consign" the man? for kano she for don born like four junior Blogger Generals wey go help their papa dey chase the chicken around.

Toyintomato (laughing with everyone): four, haaaa, mohdarah! killer!

Waffarian: so fine boy, why r u so happy?

Fine Boy: Waffy, my sister, I believe I am in love.

Waffy and Solomonsydelle: u believe...

Yosh: when Kpakpando catches you

Ubong Da: it will be nothing like what he will suffer when Baba Alaye get's his hands on him

Ex School Nerd: ye, fine Boy, please don't tell me...

Jaja: yup.

Jeremy, 30+, : What?

D.O.G: He is talking about Taurean Minx.


Atutupoyoyo said...

LMAO!! So I am the second noisiest in class abi? Are you sure you were not in my school?

Another masterclass in pure wit and imagination. What makes me laugh is the fact that you have given each character a distinct voice and personality. How do you do it? U be weensh?

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

lol! we await t.minx's arrival.

Sparkle said...

LMAO, Toyintomato's english sef make fear catch person

30+ said...

Gengencious, lmao hmmn I want to eat suya.

What happened to those caught on the mango tree.

Wo Cawalq I am not there o, you want to cause Wrestlmania 4, in the blue corner Mr Fineboy (aka young and funny) in the red corner Babaalaaye (aka, the father of all fine boys lapapo). School wan scatter be dat.

diary of a G said...

so love is in the air?
and Jeremy is the tattletale



That damn Jeremy!!!!Put my name on the list, eh? And as for Jaja! Wetin consign am with my meat? Make I catch am...

Another nice one Catwalq. Just told a friend about the Academie Series and she can't wait to read it. lol!

Toyintomato, mehn...your English na helele...

...toyintomato said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
...toyintomato said...

whys is eferyone complains about my englees...when i have baba konsonlidason as my englees teasher for 6 yrs.

excellent in fact superb job..yepah i just used big grammer, toyintomato well done..heheh
.....adjusting my gele..Catwalqy has done it again.big conratulobia

signin off.
t - baby,omo to ple.

O.šeyï said...


Jisoz!!! did hall the sheekens heen the town die?

That just killed me. lolol. MY Gosh!

This action is getting serious. You cant have a movie without a love story. I'm waiting for part three. :)

Ugo Daniels said...

interesting *subscribing again*

Nyemoni said...

heheheheehe! Very funny catwalq...very well done!

Jeremy said...

I don't understand what anyone is saying. Why are you all making this noise.


Anonymous said...

lol i see how i'm the second loudest person in class ehn catwalq.. what are you trying to tell me? lmao@brushing the oyinbo boy.. lmao.. thats jokes! subsequently.. lmao... this babe you are hilarious!!! lmao i love toyintomatos character... lmao.. razzzooo babe... hehe(you know i love u still love you right) lmao@heaving bossoms... hahaaaa... shoot i'm dyin of laughter right now.. lmao jeremy too speak gramma oh i confuse self.. hehe.. but come oh babe how come i'm the one that the alhaji wants to marry ehn.. are you style style trying to tell me something here.. but then again i will never argue with free suya.. lmao... jajas song for the white man is the new yahoozee... haha... i always knew omodudu had romantic feelings for me.. lol.. yosh self and his meaty meaty product consumption.. lol... awaiting tminx's arrival... cos baba alaye go kill cow self...

Anonymous said...

nice... nice... catwalq really nice

UnNaked Soul said...

you no go kill me oh
see the way i open my 27 for office yayayayayaya...

nice nice nice
am officially addicted

mypenmypaper said...

nice one here....

you should have added a "to be continued"...

pls keep it coming


LMAO!!!!! This is so funny

Aijay said...

"Jisoz!!! did hall the sheekens heen the town die?"
Lmao.....OMG, this is hilarious!!!

יש (Yosh) said...

omg! lmfao! Toyin's character in this series IS a killer. And that part where Jeremy defends his being English, is so on point! You seem to be a good character assessor!

You get a whole 9 on this, hon! Buy you a drink... ;)

Uzo said...

I am lost...explain to me what this is about please?

uknaija said...

very funny- writing names of noisemakers took me back many many years...

catwalq said...

@atutupoyo: na u carry first? i know before. as I record your noise level, I lie?...

@the experiences: me too o

@sparkle: hahahahahahahahah

@30+: "gengencious"?, my new "jeje-ly and rora-ly. The mango group returned. they ae always in trouble now.
Erm, about Baba Alaye and Fine Boy, I am waiting to see too.

@D.O.G: thank jare

@Solonsydelle: why u and jaja dey front like say una no gree each other. abeg comot for here?. lol
And thanks for the publicity. I have to find a way to be charging toll so I can pay my school fees.

@Toyintomato: taink you my dear, taink you. heef not for you, aba, dees weell not ave been pozzible jare.

@Oseyi: u should have seen the amount of chicken , you would have thought the same thing.

@Ugo Daniel: okay o

@Nyemoni: thank you.

@Jeremy:Abi o jare. no mind dem

@overwhelmed: na u and alhaji o. na u. i always gbadun your comments cos on dia own, dem sef be like post.

@Anonymous (Candy): Thanks

@Unnaked: if u no show face, i for come flog you

@mypenmypaper: i am trying o. it is not easy

@36: long time no see. how bodi?

@aijay: lol. thanks

@Yosh: thanks love. me i don't want to drink. I am sure you can think of "other ways" to keep me entertained....

@Uzo: I use cast characters in my stories after bloggers. They are not the real bloggers talking, ust who I imagine them to have been in their early teens in a secondary school in a small town. Some of the stories are based on actual experienes I have had. Like the mango tree post involved myself and some boys in my class when I was in primary school.
Now have you found yourself?

@Uknaija: me too. especially when the person will put X10 and then after school we go and jack the person.

princesa said...

Hurray! I got a part!!
But catwalq, am i like the class gbegborun or what? eh??
Thank God i wasnt on the noisemakers list sha.
U cracked me up girl.
Good one.

Nwanyi Ocha said...


"what does i do you?, liver" lol

ooh my God - Mrs somebody should look for tougher purnishements ohh - pickin pin under hot sun for 2 hours sounds nice, lol

TT would have given jeremy a nice ass whopping & mr fine boy is in trouble ohhhhh,lol

thanks catwalq - pls more

Anonymous said...

Hahahhaahah! Beauiful. I like Jeremy's gormless character. I thought Fineboy was in love with Kpakpando? Let me check again. Or is it that he falls in love all the time?

Toyin's character sef, YE!!!! LOL, na die o!!!


Waffarian said...

shuoooooo! I don laugh tire!

Anonymous said...

i am not reading again!u didnt cast me in ur show!didnt i audition.......

Miss Opeke said...

I need to go and take my time to read this story...I go return to really comment on the saga...but I know I am going to laugh since Toyintomato, Jaja are on the list so here I go under the office desk to digest the gist...

Jaja said...

I was grinning, laughing out loud sometimes while i read this.
my flat mate walked past and said ' whats wrong with this one sef?..match don start oo'

I shall be back..

But let me let it out.. why do i ahve to be the one fighting in class eh? Is there some subliminal meassage to it.. me jaja.. Or are u stereotyping me in the Nigerdeltas high spirit of Militancy..!

Of course i shall ultimately have Jeremy Kidnapped.
At a handsome ransome ofcourse..

Fatoumatta said...

lol....funny!wonder wht Mrs.Somebody wld do to them...

umm..u asked me where i live,i answered u...

i wld also like to add that am from kano(born-but dint rlly grow up there)never-the-less i think i knw enuf bout it to correct u that its not in kano that they marry off girls younger than 15!its mostly in the village,the uneducated parents at that matter...its not being done much these days sha....but its not in kano!!ive got an aunt that got married for the first time at the age of happens u can choose whom u wish to marry!!anways there's alot stuff we dnt get but sterotype....its normal,not the first time am hearing this,but just wantd to make sure u got it right!!
~peace out~

Anu boy said...

cool stuff...

Kpakpando said...

lmaooo... you know back in the day i used to write down the names of the noisemakers too. And when everyone was abusing the person, I would join them in abusing too. bawhahahahahaha

Toyin's h factor + idumota english, na real wa.

in short catwalq you have made my day

Anonymous said...

i was wondering what you'd come up with this time, but u didnt disappoint. this wa mad funy! i was laughing so hard! lol at jeremy.. i'd say poor guy, but i'm not really sorry. toyintomato wurz kilasiki. selling biscuit in class abi.. she should meet alhaji blogger general for a suya-seling contract so dat she will rish well well.. lol!
but hey, how come me and my cybersis missed all the action? haftarol oyinbo-jeremi hisi write hawa naming has wely oh!!

cant wait for more... u know u can never stop this now, right??

Mr.Fineboy said...

Hehe...hilarious again catwalq. It felt like I was watching it on TV or something... Jeremy the snitch.....we suppose rush am for real. Fake guy. LOL..keep it coming!

omo-obanta said...

lol funny.
me: have updated...

Toochi said...

interresing! i wonder how you all can type this long....i'm only good for short burst(not in the other context though;) ).... so , i've put up more stuff on mine....pls check it out when you can.

Confessions of a moody crab said...

LMAO!!! Aww...Jeremy don't mind jo. Overwhelmed, orgnising suya in school?!?! LMAO!

Nice one Catwalq

Lonely Truth said...

lol funny

Anonymous said...

keep up the good work.....impatiently waitin for academie 3.LMAO

confused naija girl said...

lmao very well written
i was laughing all through
i could visualise the whole thing
part 3 nko
i want to know this fineboy kpakpa taurean minx triangle

exschoolnerd said...

see how u just made me look like one dopemu...ill treat ur fuck up..dont worri!..mchew!!!

~Mimi~ said...


this is tewwwwwwwwwwww funny!

Miss Opeke said...

dis one don pass be careful...more than a penny 4 ur thots...dis one na a Kobo 4 ur thots...
Na wey all dis one happun wey amebo Opeke no get d gist...I need to change my frequency fo ma radio/TV station ooooo...
Na laf nearly take ma I dey under d desk dey Oga nearly catch me...tank Baba God fo favor...Abeg just keep it cumin'

Olamild said...

Ilove this
It reminds me of HS days
very funny
I remember putting one boy's name on the list every single time. Even if him no tok, i go put him name times 20... He ended up being my bf.

Olamild said...

toyin tomato's character is totally hilarious

Oracle said...

I don't know how you do this, but you do it well.
God saved Jeremy

Queen of My Castle said...

LOL...that was ridiculously funny.


Had to come back and read for comic relief after a stressful encounter. Again, it did not disappoint!

Desperately waiting the third installment!

Daddy's Girl said...

Hats off to you Ms. Catwalq, this is so creative and original... great job!

azuka said...

Very creative!

AIVY said...

lol @ toyintomato's english...
too funny mehn, Jisoz!!!

princesa said...

catwalq, why havnt you put up the links to ur other blogs here so we can reach them easily eh?
Oya update joo!

Jumi said...

Great job!

olofofo said...


Shaywun said...

Very nice!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Calabar Gal said...


Bitchy said...

"Jeremy: I am supposed to lie? Then where is the integrity in being the noise captain?"

LOVED that line. Lol, hilarious stuff Xx

Omodudu said...

finally got round to reading gets better everytime. Nice work...I hope next edition will involve some civics social studies, ajayi crowther cheating during exams, giraffing especially that Ugo boy LOL. Have a great day thanks for coming by.

Baroque said...

finally, i've finished reading the academy issues, miss catwalq
...time now na 3am, hunger na knack me, & you start talking about SUYA
...i no fit laugh plus i get sore throat.
u wanna commit 'muda'?

Baroque said...

meanwhile i no sure say i see wetin Jeremy comment oh...or has Jaja kidnapped him?

tomatoTee, try dey enter English class abeg


BiMbyLaDs** said...

lovely stuff.. very entertaining..