Sunday, July 29, 2007


The Mango tree behind Class 5 is out of bounds to students. Anyone caught will be severely punished.

Waffarian: mee-en, look at those mangoes. Fada Lawd!
Overwhelmed: chei, see how their skin is just glowing.
Kpakpando: umn-hmn.
Idemmili: they are so ripe. all u have to do is shake the branches and they will fall.
Calabar girl: I can almost taste the juice.
Kpakpando: umn-hmn
Waffarian: where is that strong wind when u need it?
Overwhelmed: maybe I will just go and lean against it and see if anything falls
Calabar Girl: Ehn, when Mr. Laspapi is still on duty. And you know that he has been looking for people to cut grass all week.
Idemmili: mee-en, fia burn that elephant grass
Kpakpando: umn-hmn
Ugo D: ladies, ladies, please can you move to the side, you guys are on our field.
Waffarian: say what?
Atutupoyoyo: make una dress joo.
Overwhelmed: wait o, are u talking to me?
Kpankpando: hmn hmn hmn umn
Ugo D: Look, waffy and co, I am not getting into this today. you know this is when we play ball and yet u choose to stand right in the middle of the field everyday.
Waffarian: hey eh, AtuP, no make I take my red eye look una o. Ugo, how much space do you pple need to play sef?
Atutupoyoyo: all that one na yarns. abeg comot make I see road.
Fine Boy: hey, hey, hey, people what is gwan? Hey Kpakpa, what's up?
Kpankpando: Hi
Fine Boy: Hi
Calabar girl (in a whisper to Overwhelmed): hey, her mugu button is here.
Waffarian: Fine Boy, this does not con-syne you o
Fine Boy: Haba, how can you say that? Ugo, men. what's up, time is running. Chief Fineboy must not reach house before me o.
Ugo D: since it's only you she listens to, abeg tell your wife make she dress comot for here.
Atutupoyoyo: abi, plus her assistants
Calabar Girl: shut up and hobble away.
Overwhelmed: look am like monkey
Fine Boy: hey, that is not necessary. Waffy, girl, u know we have only this time before the seniors come and kick us off for their game. What do u say u let us ...?
Waffarian: we were just standing here jejely-and rora-ly. Abi, we are standing on your head,ehn Ugo.
Ugo: (shakes head and hisses)
Overwhelmed: look Fine Boy, the issue is, we want those mangoes. If you guys want us off the field, we gats to get our mango on.
Ugo, Fine Boy, Atutu: SAY WHAT?!!!!
Calabar Girl: U heard. Mango in hand, leg off your field.
Ugo: look men, am not about to serve punishment with you guys. Those toilets have not seen water not to talk of soap and I am not going to be the one to remind them what that is.
Atutupoyoyo: Amen
Waffarian: It's your call. I plan to be here everyday till Mango season is over. Then who knows what other fruit will be in season then.
Fine Boy: Waffy, why?
Waffarian: Zed.
Fine Boy: Guys, what do you say?
Ugo: Omo, match your brakes right now, u and who?
Fine Boy: Look all the best spots are taken. If we no do am by this time no more then. U know it is almost time for prep
Atutupoyoyo: Which is why, they should be in their dorms disturbing somebody else or something.
Overwhelmed: bite me
Atutupoyoyo: I don't want to catch something.
Fine Boy: hey, hey, no fighting.... U know what, just because it is you, Waffy and co, I will actually climb the tree myself, but
Overwhelmed: but what?
Fine Boy: Ww will all go to the tree. Even if I climb, you guys will stand under. And somebody has to stand guard.
Waffy: I am down. Oya. I will show you which branches have the nicest ones.
(Yosh, Ubong Da, Diary of a G, Boorish, Omodudu approach)
Diary of a G: niggas, what the f*#@S up?
Boorish: abeg stop that break dance, with all your american lingo you picked from DSTV
D.O.G: are you disrespecting me?
Yosh: (chuckling) Fine Boy, AtuP, are we playing or not?
Ugo: Not unless, we climb the mango tree.
Boorish: why, what for?
Idemmili: for the mangoes silly
Omodudu: oya, what are we waiting for?
Yosh: uh, i do not think that is a good idea.
Calabar Girl: that's why we did not ask you to think
Yosh: ouch
Calabar Girl: sorry
Boorish: wait, who is climbing the tree and who is eating the fruit? cos i am not about to be tarzan-ing up and down
Ugo: with laspapi on patrol
Yosh: and u could fall and break your legs.
Waffarian: now that the wooses have spoken, Fine Boy, oya now. Idemmili, make sure we know if anyone is coming.
(Fine Boy, Omodudu, Calabar Girl, Boorish, Kpankpando, Waffy move off)
Yosh: Oh boy, I don't like the look of this.
Diary of a G: well, those mangoes look really good.
Ugo: oh shit, toilets here we come
Atutupoyoyo: (handing Idemmili the ball and following the mango climbing team) why am I always doing dumb shit like this?
Ubong Da: u want the mangoes too?
Idemmili: yup. lovely juicy, soft mangoes.
Ubong Da: yeah, sinking your teeth into the soft flesh
Idemmili: and the sweet liquid bursting into your mouth
Ubong Da: streaming down your throat
Idemmili: your mouth struggling to manage the fullness of the fruit...
Ubong Da: ok, ok, ok. I see your M&Bs at work here.
Idemmili: what, u think you cannot match me?
Ubong Da: Idem, girl, my sturves will crush the nonsense of M&Bs any time.
Idemmili: you are on. you write something and I'll write something and we will see whose is better.
Ubong Da: who is going to judge? can't be either one of us
Idemmili: has to be someone that can read.
Ubong Da: that rules out half the class
Idemmili: that's not nice
Ubong Da: ok, when do you want to have it ready for? cos I can whip up something right now.
`Ubong Da: what...shit. men, yawa.
Laspapi: All of you freeze!!! Don't even bother to run. I know all of you. I know your father. I know your mother and above all, I know you. Fine Boy, just sit on that branch where you are and Waffarian, as you are holding those mangoes, just come right here. Diary of a G, pull up your pants. If you don't want to wear clothes, let us know, otherwise find a belt!!!!

Monday, July 23, 2007


Coming soon for your viewing pleasure and amusement:

Registration commences immediately.
All attendees must have an open mind and a sense of humour.
Spaces are limited to a first-come-first-serve basis.
For further information, please contact the proprietor Catwalq Bani-Baraje by email:

Stay Tuned

Sunday, July 22, 2007

something is wrong...

something is wrong with my texts.
I can't change the colours and sizes. And when I try to put some words in italics or bold font, i have some letters and *<> before and after the word.
What do I do?
Where r the blogger pros?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Hey Mister

Excuse me sir,
I understand that this road that we laboriously plow each day in our quest for bodies of steel and incitement of desire belong to neither you nor I. But I must plead with you.
If you must choose to run in the evenings, the same time as me, could you please ensure that the length of your jogging shorts, at least come to rest on your knees? Maybe the lights were always off, or I was just to preoccupied with other things but are human thighs supposed to possess that much hair?
And I must say that I think something is extremely wrong when your "shorts" hug your "region of productivity" and I see no "evidence" of "man spheres".What do you go a-tucking before you leave the house.
I also think you need to get your skin checked out. That shade of pink must be unhealthy. Is it just me, or does it seem that even your sweat is trying to get away from you cos each time you pass me, I always have to check if it is raining. I must look quite silly being the only person jogging with an umbrella.
Don't look at me like that. U have to know you are asking for it when you unleash yourself on the unsuspecting public. I am not trying to anger your ancestors (and just so you know, mine aren't asleep so don't even try some clifford orji type shit. who is clifford orji? check the internet. sha don't try it)I am just trying to ensure that my attack, defense and weapons of male persuasion are in top form. I am not sure why you r doing what u think u r doing...don't tell me, I am not that interested.
I have to go now. Yeah, you too. See you...okay, bye bye now. What? Will I be coming this way tomorrow? No, I don't think so. i think I am just going to accost my boss with what I am working hugs, sorry

Sunday, July 15, 2007

U add two sentences of your own to

She speaks in whispers
But loves in screams...

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Niger Delta: the abused mistress; constantly promised marriage

Margaret Hill, the three year old daughter of a British expatriate worker has been kidnapped in the Niger Delta on her way to school. The militant groups have reached an ultimate low as in desperation they have turned to the innocent children. Many people have raised an uproar and it was reported on the BBC UK website that the British Consulate is demanding an immediate release of the child.

So far, all those who have heard about this story, have heaped alot of curses and insults of outrage and disgust on whoever is responsible (as it is the usual culprits MEND have denied involvement); which of course is not unwarranted. But I am curious to see if anyone is aware of the bigger picture at stake.

I am not too sure of the geography of the niger delta but from my own understanding (and here I emphasise the word "my"), the niger delta probably began its decline after the Biafran war. The discovery of oil is probably the biggest catastrophe to befall the region. the last time I was there which was in 2002 when I made road trip through the east, we passed abandoned farm lands and riverways; made unusable and toxic by the resultant pollutants of exploration.

For a people who have been reliant on the land for their livelihood, the inability to use these must mean an immediate and destruction of their socio-economy. Now, I am not much of a politician and I am aniticipating the comments to this post to be lengthy discourses on how incomplete my analysis is; but I need to ask how any one is surprised that suddenly out of the ashes of a raped and defiled people arose a vigilante group emulating terrorist antics as their only means to garner attention.

The thing is though that just like their terrorist mentors, the only response their going to get is a reciprocated show of force. To appease their foreign masters, the Nigerian government is going to dispense on the offense military force instructed to take no prisoners and leave no stone unturned. What we are going to now see is an even greater disaster to the Niger Delta people than they are already experiencing.

For a region that gave Nigerians the audacity to walk around with the arrogant pride of people of means, they sure have very little to show for it. All their great minds have either been poached or fled to the south west or Abuja or worse still to the same foreign lands that are responsible for the abuse of their people. All those who remain are not skilled enough to manage what little they have or are more motivated by a sense or entitlement and greed that they covet it all for their private and personal gain.

I am in no way advocating for militant groups. Violence and intimidation never gets the desired result and only breeds hostility. As it is, many are forgetting that the most violent of Nigerians reside in the Sharia brainwashed states of the north (yeah, i said it, go burn what's left of Kano)and are writing the vibrant and colourful people of the Niger delta as a bunch of trigger happy, barely literate, errant individuals. Some of them are but the majority are just like you and I, praying for the morning to bring a respite to their problems.

I pray Margaret is returned home soon. She is only three and only God knows what the poor thing is going through. And her mother is probably loosing her mind.
I am also praying for an end to the rape of the Niger Delta. Like any woman who has been abused for so long and too long, she too adopts the characteristics of her abuse and uses it on others, whether they have anything to do with her condition or not.