Friday, October 26, 2007

Brave Ones and Lost Ladies.

So I was avoiding my homework and gallivanting about blogville when I found this.

I was immediately flashed back to when I was in secondary school and one of my classmates told me about a family she knew that was being torn apart.

Apparently the family was of one of the elders in her church. The son of this family whom I will call Brave One had fallen in love and decided to marry this girl whom we shall call Lost Lady. What was the fuss about? Well you see, Lost Lady, whilst in her youth had experimented and been about town quite a number of times. And she had been a student at the government college where my classmate's father had been the principal (that's how she even knew Lost Lady who had been suspended and reprimanded so many times, it was unbelievable)

So in any case, Lost Lady had lost her way, painted the town red, been expelled and left the place for Lagos. There, she also shook the third mainland bridge and rotated the island. Then one day, she met Brave One and calmed down. He knew her past because they had been classmates or something of the sort. He did not care. Together, they built a relationship that everyone was against from the very beginning.

The whole thing exploded when Brave One returned home to this same town that they all came from (and where she had schooled) to announce that he had asked Lost Lady to be his wife and she had said yes. Brave One was promptly disowned by his father with the option of a return only when the relationship was terminated. The poor guy asked them to kiss his derriere, went on to marry the chick and have a beautiful baby boy.

So now, Little Brave One is about two years old (at the time I am hearing the story), the family is split because siblings are taking sides, community is talking, my classmate's father who is most respected has been called to intervene ( Methinks Brave One is the only son...or something) etc.

This whole time my friend is talking, the group is all ears and chipping in "Ehn-ehn", "for real?" and "can you imagine?" where necessary. I am more intrigued by the fact that she (my friend) is not in support of the union and the fact that the parents of the boy are leaders in their church.
It just so happened that I heard the story after a marathon of religious discussion where the general consensus was that my choice of faith was going to lead me to a fiery pit and only a conversion to theirs was going to change my sorry fate.

I asked ' So, she cannot get a second chance?"
The conversation stalled. Then immediately sprang up with responses that were along the lines of "But look at all she has done...." Apparently, she used to date older men, smoke, sleep around, bail out of school, steal...anything you can think a misguided chick can do in her teens.

After reading Seun's post as well as a few others that I have perused in the past 48 hours, I was once again wearied by the knowledge of the standards that society places on my sex. A misguided woman can never find redemption. A misguided man defines redemption. A sexually aware/ liberated woman has a permanent apartment in the devil's condominium complex. Well, wasn't a man built to be depositing his gifts all around?...I mean, walk down any Lagos street and they are there spraying the walls of public property with their ammonia laden gifts and a woman who does the same has to hide behind bushes that might give her a horrible itch.

The most judgemental are also the most religious. It doesn't matter the faith. I have met some Eckists too that have caused me to blanch at their ignorance...but every soul is entitled to their level of consciousness.

This girl needed a second chance. She had made mistakes with the decisions she had taken. She was lucky, she found a man who was willing to help her rebuild her life. Whether he later fell to the pressure of his family of emotionally blackballed her into subservience by lauding her past over her head remained to be seen but at the time of the story, he was the Brave One.
His family did not see his decision to stand by this woman as strength but as a sign of his weakness to his lust or her use of some charms over him.

The church had banned the couple because they were seen as immoral. And so did most people who heard the story. She and so many women have never been given a chance to rise back to their glory because the society is hypocritical whereas Alamiesiegha or what ever his name was given a return party after he returned from his brief incarceration. His errs most likely has cost many a family their livelihood and happiness, many a youth their dream and our nation her dignity but hey, he is man and Lost Lady a demonic incarnate.

Men, one day you will meet a lost lady. Be brave enough to love her and give her a chance. I am sure that is all she needs to find her way. Women like that are usually always reliant on men for direction and validation so your support will be the nudge that she lost her way to find.

Ladies, let's give our sisters a break. Any one of us could be her.


Tinuke said...

I just came back from having a drink with a male friend, after bending his ear over this issue of double standards, he said "Hasn't it always been this way, you guys just need to get over it"

Which guy didn't bail out of school, smoke, get drunk, sleep around. In fact these are thing s
that guys rarely grow out of but we women have to be nuns.

The truth is that it is hard for men to come to terms with some women's pasts but it is their problem, not the woman's. No man is God, so how dare he judge, if he can't handle the route your life has taken, tell him to bugger off to the nearest primary school. He can find a woman that wont threaten his manhood there.

Someone called me a male basher today, I disagree. (smile)

Waffarian said...

Catwalq! Great! I have wondered ohhhhhhhhh my sister! The thing is a mystery to me. Why in the name of the Lord are women always the first ones to attack a fellow sister when it comes to man/woman palaver? It is so ridiculous it has become amusing to me. Women are always the first to tell you where their fellow woman erred, it was her fault, "she did this", "she did that", "she has giraffe coming out of her head", they will believe anything just to make sure the "man" is left out of it. From personal experience, (and this is only me, so I am talking for my self and no one else) there is a huge difference the way my non-Nigerian female friends react to those kind of stories. They see the injustice immediately wheras it takes quite a while before my naija friends discuss that part. The first agenda will be to gossip and seriously put more "pepper and salt" to the tori, garnish well well, then end the whole thing with one christian sentiment or another! It will take someone to point out the stupidity of it all before they will see that part!

We still live in a partriachal society dear, and women, they love to flock at the feet of men, "please tell us we are the good ones", men still tell us who we are, how good we are, they even tell us how to love, and we sit at their feet, lapping it all up. Hissssssssssssssssss!

Catwalq, I wouldn't call her a "lost Lady" . In my eyes, she is the one that FOUND her path. She is the sheroine in this story. A young girl, lived a hard life and then still manages to get it right. With or without a husband, the fact that she has turned her life around should be encouraged and applauded. The idiot church people should use her as an example of how you can still change your life, how God still forgives, how we can always return to him, etc, etc. They are not smart at all, bunch of hypocrites!

pamelastitch said...

I am clapping widely for you in your bedroom.

Say it Loud! Say it proud! It is about time, people start talking about these things.

There is such a double standard and women are our own WORST judges... :-(


Unbiased said...

Babygirl the story is both sad and inspiring i must say. Dont listen to stupid society and church politics. The whole foundation of christianity is all about not just second but more chances. After the flood God always gave his people chance after chance. Christ's redemption was all about a second chance.

The bible warns us not to judge but to forgive. I thank God for brave one. May there be more like him who dont talk the christian talk only but walk the walk.

Cool work girl. Keep it up (wink wink).

Vera Ikeji said...

Church leaders! hmmm. Aren't they the ones who preach that we ain't GOD and aren't supposed to judge? Hypocrites! Including the girls judging the 'lost girl'. No man is without sin. A lot of us have done some things that we aren't proud of at one point in our lives or the other, hence,we shouldn't judge others. She met a guy who loved her and stuck with her once, she will meet someone else who would stick by her again, as long as she remains clean. Good luck to her.


true talk my sister!

In my head and around me said...

The women that were almost stoned to death on account of adultery in the north, remember them? No man was arraigned with them. To all intents, they did it all on their own. Imagine?

I hail Brave One. It is never easy to go against the current.

pamelastitch said...

wildly I mean to say abegi..

Anonymous said...

Isnt the church meant 2 be 4 sinners?

I dont get it?if ure lost u shld go to the church and be embraced by all regardless of ur past and all

This only shows that the church has lost its true meaning

When even ppl in d church are quick to judge

Afrobabe said...

What amazes me is that serious church goers always ignore the part of the bible that says "Though shall not judge least you be judged"..Why are they the first to cast stones? Why are they the least forgiving..
Jesus preached love and forgivess and always said he came for the sinner...

pamelastitch said...

Okay - my only excuse for all that typo was that it was towards 1 am

I am clapping WILDLY for you in MY bedroom.

Say it Loud! Say it proud! It is about time, people start talking about these things.

There is such a double standard and women are our own WORST judges... :-(

God did not make the church a court room - it is supposed to be a refuge for all.

omo-obanta said...

true... wow. i missed a lot...

bumight said...

Sadly, its the society we live in, naija pple just take it to a whole new level. A guy is expected to "sow his wild oats" before settling down with the perfect wife, who of course is this innocent girl that doesn't know what a dick looks like. It's a combination of the pretentious naija society and worse still the pretentious "religious" community.
Look at Blogspot also, when people like Ubong Da and Boorish start writing about their sexcapades, look at their comments and see many females practically salivating over them and begging them to have them (no offense to ubong and boorish, I love y'all) but on the other hand when female bloggers blog about their sexual history, then all the anons come out and start yelling fire and brimstone and other weapons of literal destruction. what's the difference?
This prejudice transcends all racial and ethnic barriers that even lil kim and christina Aguilleria had to sing about it (now I'm yarning opat).
I'm religious and all but then it's no secret that the most pretentious people reside in the church, our very own moodern day paharisees.
This is getting too long, I'm out!

ladytyne said...

i have always been one of your silent admirers- i always read but never comment but on this post, i have to comment.

Yes i am one of those lost ladies, life being what it is, i had my son while still being a teenager. And i can tell you it has not been easy.

Is it only double standards, let me tell you about triple standards. I have lived with comments in my face, behind my back and even with people telling my mother she did not raise me right.

But i have always kept my head up because the pple that matter the most( my whole family) supported me.

I always remember with pride and joy, the day i told a lady in front of her kids( 4 out of 6 r older than i am) in her house that she had no right to talk about me or talk to me the way she did. I stood up for my self.

If you don't why my past is my past, then you have no right to comment on my present or my future.

And from personal experience also, i have found out that the loudest voices come from those who beleive they are holier than thou, but i can bet anything that if their surfaces are scratched, there is bound to be a scandal somewhere.

this was a great post and thanks for speaking out.

akin aworan said...

Very interesting read. Thanks for sharing.

cally-waffybabe said...

Well written girl. All i haave to say is that God gives people numerous chances and He is the only one that can judge. Every other person's views on "condemnation" or whatever are irrelevant to me.

@ tinuke: Love ya. Good to see you up and bubbly.

Anonymous said...

its funny, so many comments here are all for the babe, for the union, for her getting a second chance.
does this mean bloggers are more open minded and less judgemental than real people, or that real people conform to societal pressure to discriminate where they otherwise woulda sympathised?
i just wonder.

Afrobabe said...

lol @ geisha,it means we all expect to be stood by if any one of us ever faces any such thing...God forbid that somethings in my past come back to haunt me...I will deny it life.

Nwanyi Ocha said...

My dear I agree with you but it's difficult not to be judgemental sometimes

Some people are not even aware when they do it.
The question is when they do realize, do they stop and rethink!!!!

i dunno, i just dunno

Obinwanne said...

interesting piece.....very good indeed

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

@tinuke: We speak the same language. I have been on occasion bestowed the same title.

@Waffarian: I agree with you in an assessment of the woman. I don't see her as a lost lady. I see strength and the unwavering survival abilities of the African woman

@Pamelastitch: A woman's greatest pain is usually another woman

@Unbiased: Like all faiths, those that will abuse the teachings always exist

@Vera: I think they are still together...or at least I hope so. I kind of have to ask my friend

@nigeriapolitriks: lol

@In my head and around....: northerners and their blend of illiteracy, poverty and hypocrisy masked under faith...I hail both the man and the woman

@Anonymous: The church lost its meaning when men tried to decide what God wanted

@Afrobabe: depending on who you talk to, the words of Jesus can mean anything. I mean the alcoholics (or the aspiring ones) will tell you that alcohol is good. Afterall, wasn't the first miracle of Christ the conversion of water to wine?

@Omo-Obanta: where have u been?

@Bumight: the wisdom in your words is appreciated

@Ladytyne: U go girl...thanks for taking time out to comment

@Aworan: Thanks o

@Cally-waffybabe: true dat

@Geisha: when i read your comment, i wondered about that too. I think it is a combination two things.I think it is a yes and no situation.

@nwanyi ocha: I know what you mean. I constantly have to catch myself and not slip into a lesser consciousness

@Obiwanne: glad u liked

30+ said...

My own take is always "he that is without sin should cast the first stone"
Most folks that turn agains ladies with a past like that are most often just bitter about their own life and situation.

I agree with Geisha, societal pressure makes a lot of people conformists and I daresay the tone for most of us who have commented here will change when the situation comes close to home e.g. if the Brave one in question was your brother.

I say the truth, even I WILL STRUGGLE with that unless I see the fruit of repentance in the girl. I will not want any street smart lady to take advantage of my brother, although if my brother was the same, I will sleep easier knowing that their 4 is easily divided by 2 i.e. they can match in street skills

bighead said...

Many guys are reluctant to give the lady a second chance cos they find it hard to believe that she could have changed. As for the converse and ladies finding it easy to believe the men have changed, you tell me.

Hopeful B! said...

i know this story tooo well, infact lemme confess that something similar happened to me. There are no redemptions and forgiveness for ladies. No second chances talk less of 3rd,4th 5th while guys are always given a clean slate at every bad turn. what really is love, love your neighbour as yourself?

Jola Naibi said...

Thanks for sharing...the worst thing that any human being can do to themselves is to look to man for some sort of validation. God, gave Lost Lady a second chance in the form of Brave One and she was perceptive enough to take it and move on...anybody who has a problem with that should look to their Creator for answers. End of story. It really irks me when religious types become overly judgmental...He who is without sin should cast the first stone or step out of the way!!!

N.I.M.M.O said...

Its not fair. Just not fair.

I wanted to add a comment here but it was rather long and had several elements from outside this post so I just converted it to a post on my own blog. Please do check it out.

יש (Yosh) said...

I'm rooting for the brave ones and lost ladies!

Soul said...

I have said time and time again...
The church, especially the modern black church and it's leaders despise women.
Not dislike, but actually despise and hate women.
They need women to make up their congregation, they know they are out numbered by women and they primarily manipulate women.

The modern church is filled with some of the most hateful, ignorant, hypocritical and morally bankcrupt individuals.

Anonymous said...

@soul: where are you??????
what's happened to your blog?????
are you okay????????????