Wednesday, April 12, 2006

You will never believe what I saw yesterday. Since what happened happened, I have been nearly incoherent with anger.
Can you imagine what is saw on my way back from the post office yesterday?
Why was Ibinabo trying to extract this girl's large intestines with his mouth? Can you imagine, I saw my boyfriend (if you can call him that) trying to swallow this girl infront of Savory's. I almost fell down when I saw him. I could not believe that he would have the audacity to have another girlfriend right here on the same campus as I and so blatantly flaunt her in public with not a care that someone I know would see them and that it would get back to me.
And do you know that he saw me?
And he SHRUGGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. He Shrugged!!! He Shrugged!!!
What does that mean? What does that mean? Is he crazy?
He did not even stop what he was doing and the stupid bitch actually had the audacity to dagger me. The ugly heiffer actually gave me 'the look'; you know, the one when you are just daring someone to mess with you.
At that moment, I just wished that I had been raised on the streets and would have kicked some arse.
Then, I realised why he had shrugged and so, i simply walked off.
Ibinabo had shrugged because he knew that we had never defined our relationship and he knew that I too had not been faithful. I mean, I had two other guys supporting me last year and then there was Chinedu.
As I am writing this, I am calming down. When i first decided to update my blog, I intended to use it to abuse the life of the girl Ibinabo was with. i know her name, department and her hostel room. I know that she came in through diploma and whom she hangs out with. I went snooping and have discovered all there is to know about her and I have also discovered that she is just like me.
We are both trying to survive in this country. We both have older men in our lives, on whom we depend on for financial survival. We are both female and if there is one ting I know, it's that the greatest battle a woman will ever have to fight is not against a man but against other women.
Ibinabo has to show that he is not a punk; not a bitch. Not bound to my thong. I understand that. So, I am not going to stress.
I have other things on my mind now. I alomost forgot that when I saw Ibinabo, I was coming back from the post office. Still no word from any agency. I do not even know what to do or think.
I just want to get out of this country, so much. I am fed up with life here. Everyday, it's one problem or the other. One hassle or the other. You struggle with NEPA, with lack of water, hostel accomodations, school fees, professors, course loads, expensive handouts, understocked libraries, weight, the price of living, thieving school officials, thieving government officials, and to top it all off, as a woman , you struggle with men.
I am so weary of it all. Sometimes, when you are doing all these worldly things, it can be exciting but when you get home and close the door behind you, you find that you are by yourself and if you are like me, a thinker, you will find that you are burdened by what you think about all that you see.
I wish there was a way to go back in time and change the outcome of things.
I have to take stock of my life, especially as I am trying to become a writer; the likes of which will rival Nnamandi Adichie, Buchie Emecheta and Seffi Etta.
You know what my real problem is, I am too intelligent for most of the things I do. i move with friends whom i always like to call the SURVIVORS. They are just getting from day to day, allowing the tide of things to push them about. they wait for things to happen. Never proactive, always reactive. I, on the other hand, cause things to happen.
But, because I know that i will never fit in if i am myself, i do things everyone does. Date older men because it is currently in vogue, wear the latest hair style, the latest fashion, attend all the happening parties, indulge in all that everyone is indulging in so that I am also mentioned when the happening people on campus are being talked about. I have truly lost myself and i only needed to see a refelction of what I am doing to myself, in the face of the girl that Ibinabo was with, for me to feel this dirty and sullied.
Most of my friends do not eeven know that I have this blog. If they did, would they care. I wonder how many of them read anything other than citipeople or ovation.
Ibinabo has not called and neither will I. I think if he calls, I will listen to what he has to say and then, I will explain to him that I am not upset. I am tired. If he needs to express his virility or recapture his youth by dating a girl in university, then he should by all means do so. I am just not going to be that girl any longer.
i need to start from now, showing this great mind that I have.
I am a queen and I have to act like one.

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