Monday, April 17, 2006

i swear, the day that my family finds my blog, i will be immediately disowned. My father has already written me off as having not much to offer. It hurts sometimes but then, i myself know that i have gotten myself in so much trouble that i would make the same assessment of myself.
Anyways, I did something bad to my aunty, Mama Elelubo.
First, I have to tell you how she came about the name. It's what we have called her for centuries, as far back as I can remember anything. For some reason, the only dish I have a memory of ever eating in her house is Amala. I have racked my brain as to why that is but all i know is that everytime we go to her house, I have only ever eaten Amala. And that in itself is odd because I clearly remember spending two weeks at xmas by her and the family.
Now, whilst she is a splendid amala cook and concocter, she is a nasty person. My God, if you thought I did not particularly care for My Aunty Femi, Aunty Bola (Mama Elelubo) really brings on the rash.
she came to our house for Easter. I went home looking for money from my parents and those guys just figured, you know what, we will just kill the living day lights out of this girl and they saddled me with the task of preparing frejohn and fish. My God, if I have to clean one more catfish, I will loose my mind.
That's where I was, since my arrival from Ife, cleaning fish and trying not to kill either one of my sisters. Sayo had been delegated to be my official assistant but noooooo, that useless girl took off for only God knows where and left me and Tawa to slug it out. My mum was watching tv; I mean, what is the point of having children if you cannot enslave them in the future and justify it as upbringing. I am even surprised that my fingers are stil functional after handling all that fish in cold water. Plus, the ghastly things, are sold to you alive and I have to chase it around the huge bowl and then smash its head in before I can kill it. Sigh. The lengths we will go to to eat another animal.
And then, the visistors (who apparently have no houses of their own to cook in) came trooping and never failed to complement my mother on what a spectacular cook she was. Did she correct them and say that it was her collegiate daughter whom she had sent to Ife to pursue a degree in Business Administration, that she had shoved in the kitchen to do the cooking or that she was assisted by the ever silent Tawa (sometimes, i fear that girl; she does not talk. She can sit in silence for hours. At least, numeorus tests have shown that she is not stupid at all: which is the scary part.) who had been shipped in from Ibadan.
i sha cooked and cooked and then what will Mama Elelubo say after she had devoured two plates? That my fish could have done with more cleansing!!!! Can you imagine the fat cow.
I do not know why she is allowed into the house at all. She is dad's sister and all she ever does is come to cause katakata.
Her battle with my mother went on for years till my brother was born. Obviously my mother was failing in her duties as a wife in her "inability" to produce a male child. And Aunty Bola took it upon herself to search for a replacement.
So, what did I do to the heiffer?
Well. let's just say that I know where the keys to her car is. Let her ride danfo for a few days. Cos I know she said that she cannot find the car's spare.
I offered to tear thne house apart and find her keys for her while we ushered her into a taxi that I am sure she paid for because the money dad handed me to give her, I conveniently forgot on the dining table as I escorted her out.
I am not a bad person. I was provoked.

3 comments:

Adeyimika, Omo'badan! said...

Your story about mama elelubo is hilarious. I tell you, I almost fell out of my chair from laughter when I read it. Anwyay, sha, Keep on bloggin, my sister, cos you definitely got talent.....and of course, a reader!!

Laura Adiba said...

haha..this is too funny..but I feel you though..i think everyone's got that one aunt or relation that just pisses you the hell of.

AbimifOluwa-Emmanuel, Amelia-Jordan, Andrea-Esmie, Oluwadolapo and Adeyinka Onamade said...

Hi, I read in your old blog that you were once forced to make Frejohn and Fish during Easter. Would you happen to have the recipe or be able to, PLEASE, put one together to share with some "frejohn-deficient" bloke who leaves half-way round the world? I remember eating that stuff lots of times when I was growing up. Interestinly and contrary to your experience, we had one lovely "Aunty" (you know the story - no known relationship but for want of any other title) who would religiously send us a bowl every Easter and I just loved the stuff. Help if you can and please keep blogging, your blogs are hilarious! Adeyinka...