U know when I found out, I was not even scared. Funny enough, the day I found out, I had seen it in a dream. When I woke up, my head was so clear that I almost thought I was still asleep. I immediately went to the chemist and bought test kits. The guy at the check out counter was looking at me funny, I gave him my coldest u-really-don't-wan't-to be-messing-with-this-chick-right-now one in response and he sharply packaged my purchase for me.

I took the test twice and even after staring at the matching two lines for over twenty minutes, I still was not panicked. I knew I was not going to keep it and I knew that my family must never find out. Already my mother had started me on Malaria drugs when I started acting funny and somehow, even though I had been very weak nauseated, I had managed to keep wolfing down meals and stay awake to let both of us believe that the medicine was working. I just sat there on the toilet holding the tests trying to figure out how I could have been so stupid. i knew when and with whom. So, i packed up everything, put it in my purse and without a care for whether or not I would be seen, I walked out of the house, crossed our small street and knocked on Chinedu's gate.

Funny enough he was home and I remember his smile of welcome fading when he realised that I was not my usual self. I actually showed him the test in the kitchen. His parents as usual were out of the country and his siblings were wherever they were. I did not care. The only sound in the kitchen as he looked at the test was the air conditioning unit outside.

Fortunately for him, he did not dare to deny it. He asked me if I was okay. I said fine. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said I needed to get rid of it. I even had the money. He looked taken aback and I wondered if he had expected me to come there crying hysterically and unfocused. I am not in any way loose and immoral but I also know what I can and cannot do and if I was going to raise a child unmarried, it will not be while still under my father's roof.

We went to his friend who had a clinic in Akoka. The meeting was short and I sat there and bore the knowing/judging/condescending questions the guy through my way as we scheduled the appointment. It would be in a week when he could "squeeze" me in and not have his staff involved with my "issue". He took me home.

The plan was that because I would be incapable of movement for at least 24 hours afterwards, he would drive me to and from the clinic. I would stay with my friend Bola for the weekend while I recuperated. I had to let Bola know that I was going to be coming from the hospital but even though she immediately started harping on me, I did not tell her who was responsible. She kept asking if I had got back with IB or with some guy from my job. I snapped at her to leave me alone. She fell silent but not until she said something to the effect "sorry o, mi o kuku ran e nise" (I am not the one responsible).

I don't know what made me go to his house two days before. Maybe deep down, I just needed some more convincing that everything would be alright. I got there and the Mai-guard told me that Chinedu had travelled. I was like "ehn?!!! to where?" He did not know and was quite sorry that he didn't because of the way I asked him.

I went home and bombarded his phone with calls. At first it was going to voicemail then the phone was switched off. I called our friends if anyone knew where he had went. Friday came, the plan was that he would pick me up at noon cos I was supposed to make the appointment for three. No Chinedu. I tried to keep a calm demeanor as I ushered my mum into the car and out and Sayo with her. I took a taxi all by myself, asking myself how I could have been stupid enough not to see it coming.

When it was over and I came to, I thought I was going to die. I could not stay at the hospital. I had called Bola who thankfully came to take me home. She had borrowed the car of one her many toasters. The doctor gave me that look as if to say: How did a girl like you think a guy like Chinedu would be there for you like this? I felt he must have lumped me with every female he had ever given an appointment. Like we were all useless. His tone indicated it and so did the looks of the two nurses that were there.

I went home, threw up like three times and just lay there groggy. Twenty four hours later, I was still bleeding. Bola started to panic. I tried to calm her down before she placed a call to my mum. I called the doctor, he did not take my calls till the next morning. Gave me some bullshit about how he his phone had been acting up. He comes to the house, checks me out very roughly and tells me that I will be fine in a day or two. Day or two? I am supposed to be back home in two hours. Had to call my mum and tell one unbelievable lie about some runs Bola's mum wanted us to help her do with her fabric business and that we would get paid. Luckily, I still had on me the money I had intended to use. She was not happy but she was quiet.

I cannot tell you what I went through all alone. Bola had to leave me periodically and I just lay there wondering if I was going to bleed out. Was this how my entire existence was going to end because I had decided to catch some fun carelessly. the guy I was sneaking around for had disappeared and there I had thought I meant more to him than a quick shag. I even called his brother and sister just to tell you how panicked I was. The brother lived in port harcourt and the sister in Lekki...

then he shows up nearly five months later and wants to talk. I am not even sure if my thoughts are in English at this point....