Thursday, May 17, 2007

Jeje-ly and Rora-ly

Have u ever heard someone snore to the point that your bones rattled?

I came back late from Ibadan. I went to Challenge to see my aunt with whom I will be staying during my service. I will do the three weeks at camp and relocate back to her boys quarters. I am suppsoed to be teaching at some school. I hope tha language of instruction is English because as strong as my Yoruba is, it will be no match for Ibadanites and their own brand of oyo dialect...

So, I finally dragged my bag from the gate of the estate (the half drunk-half stoned security refused to let my N600.00 can take me into the estate) to our house with no one to help me. Everyone was quietly ensconsed in their houses; just me, half awake mallams and the neighbourhood bingos coming out to see who was crossing their turf.

I had called the house and told Tawa to wait in the living room for me. She came out (grudgingly) to open the gate and she helped me with my bag. We went through the back and I noticed that the basket of clothes I left for the washerman was still there waiting for me (we need to fire that guy). I was just about to open the door to ask Tawa about that when the most horrendous sound that can fill the night reached my ears.

I swear, my bladder filled up instantly. Not that we live by any bush o but the thought of the possible animals or creatures that could make such a noise froze my blood. I looked at Tawa. The idiot looked at me. "Aunty Catwalq, ki ni yen?" (what is that?)

How am I supposed to know? I left like three days ago. How am I supposed to know what Juju u people have awakened in the house? I know my mom likes all these prayer sessions and I have always warned her that one day, while she is warrior-ing for the lord, some other type of soldiers will just decide to take her on. Also, we have these wierd neighbours on our right. Their house is supposed to be empty but the lights will be coming on and off (one time the outside lights were blinking).

I looked at the back door. We were about twenty steps away. We moved. Quickly
From no where,the sound came back. Please believe me when I say that I felt my ribs shake. It was at that moment the useless cat that walks about the estate decided to jump out of the shadows and knock over the buckets in the back.
Tawa's scream nearly removed my braids from my head. In our rush to get in the house, we both could not pull the mosquito net door and that made the foolish girl even more frightened. I am sure I wouldn't have been as panicked if she had not been there. We got in the kitchen, locked the door and switched off the light. I had seen the cat but I was not sure about its predecessor. There was a brief silence
"Tawa, fun mi ni bag mi. (Give me my bag)." I began to move to the stairs.
*No answer*
"Tawa" *sharp whisper*
" to ju u le" (I have dropped it)
Even though she could not see my face, she had some sense to step back cos if I could have bitten her, I would have. I had just gotten away with reckless behaviour and I was not about to test my ancestors by opening the door and going outside
"E ma binu..." (please don't be angry) She started to beg.
"Ti n ba ji lola, ti anything ba wa missing...wa ri nkan ti ma se fun e(if I wake up tomorrow and anything is missing)" I saw her outline dip in an apologetic curtsy. Stupid girl. She is for ever doing things like that: locking people in rooms, keys in the boot, leaving purchases in whatever shop she last entered in the market etc
I hissed and began to make my way on the dark. I did not even carry my right leg when I heard the sound again.
Tawa switched gears to repeating "blood of Jesus". I thought maybe something had got in the house. Probably no one could hear because they were in their rooms with the AC on. As I passed the door, I took the broom with the wooden handle and held it ready for some Jackie Chan style combat if necessary. Tawa clutched on to my blouse ready to use ME as her defense strategy. I guess while whatever it was was eating me, she would have fled to safety. Oponu u
The sound was now getting louder and louder and coming from the living room. We tip toed as quielty as Tawa's breathing and blood-of-Jesus-ing would allow.
Twice I had to smack her hand because she had boned my dress and opted for clutching at the small of my back. If not that I was scared, i would have slapped her something serious. I braced myself and flicked on the lights.
Lying in the middle of the floor was the biggest stomach I had seen since the prenatal ward. And it was on a man. It looked like he had swallowed whatever was trying to get out/ breathe or both and thus making all those horrid noises. For a good minute, I just stood there poised to attack- Tawa poised to bite me- looking at the specimen. I had nearly wet myself for that?
Apparently Aunty Femi was in the house and had got a new driver.
Where he sits in the car, I am not sure cos that stomach...
And he did not even wake up.
You should have seen the egg I fried for his arse in the morning


Anonymous said...

lol.....tew funny

Ugo Daniels said...

omgawd, that was hilariously scary. Chei, i nearly suffocated wit laughter. I was playn da scenario in my mind...lmao!!!

Simply Gorgeous said...

Catwalq- You are truly funny. Even me, I was gripping my chair trying to find out what was cusing that noise... I froze when you said, "I swear, my bladder filled up instantly. Not that we live by any bush o but the thought of the possible animals or creatures that could make such a noise froze my blood."

I would have died- you are truly more braver than me. Because I would have been like Tawa. That bag would have stayed where ever it is. You are truly brave.

I am still laughing, and crying at the same time when I write this. You are great writer. I will be back to read some more...

catwalq said...

Thank u o my people.
We went and got the bag after we discovered Mr Timothy...that is his name

The Pseudo-Independent said...

When I first read this I felt I was going to die of suspense and hilarity. So I would agree with Pink-satin you are just tew (very posh) funny. In fact I should borrow from Ugo it was also hilariously scary. Seems you are in for some adventure with our people. I wish I were in your shoes and would use the opportunity to learn to speak yoruba in the manner of the Ibadanites - very posh, like when you listen to Arisekola or Adedibu - those guys are just too posh, I mean the Yoruba they speak. Just to let you know, I sure will be dropping by often.

btw: thanks for stopping.

יושה (Yosh) said...

lmao! ....

but seriously...snoring...hmph!

temmy tayo said...

Why u dey diss Ibadan people like that?Omo ibadan ni mi o so make u mind yasef ok!

Funny story sha.

catwalq said...

@ Temmy Tayo: aaaaahhh abeg o please. I will never disrespect.lai lai
@ pink: tanksabunsch
@ugo: tanksabunsch
@Simply: tank u tank u tank u
@ Yosh: what did i do ehn? *sob*

billie-blogger said...

This is the most hilarious thing I've read in ages. You had me laughing as loud as that snore!

Your style of writing is raw, powerful and totally convincing. I'm bookmarking your page for more delicious tales.

ijeoma obu iheoma said...

lmao.. well written once again..

and yes.. once upon a time.. i was staying over a friend.. and she had a visit from a male friend of hers.. i never sleep for that night.. each time he took a breath, it was like the whole apartment shook. througout the night, i just kept wondering how even he could have slept through that..

diary of a G said...

so the snoring that rattled your bones was from big stomach specimen
of a man

be careful serving him eggs tho
with a mouth like that
you don't even wanta imagine what
him arse can do

Im A Babe said...

lol....i dont even kno wat 2 say.
funny stuff tho

catwalq said...

@ Ijeoma: it is a wonder what the human body can do
@billie-b: thank u
@Diary of a G: *EUGH*
@I'm a babe: at the time, it really wasn't

Nyemoni said...

Hilarious... I like the way you put the gist down to keep us entertained to the last...Funny for real..I hope you didn't poison him o!

The Professor said...

All that for a gurgling beer-belly?

BabaAlaye said...

So upon all that shakara wey you dey do yo no even get liver sef?

UnNaked Soul said...

LMAO... you can't even cat walk when u hear small noise, you dey run like headless chicken... *hiss*

and babe, no let me unLeesh unNaked venom on you oh... I C U

catwalq said...

Oh my Gawd, Babaalaye made a pit stop here?
Yeah people....dat's what's up.

Unnaked: MUAH!!!!

omohemi Benson said...

lol! what a clown you are.
That you aunt's driver sef can snore for Naija. lol


i went from absolute fear to tear dropping laughter. the comment about your ribs. lol! All that on account of snoring. great story!

NaijaBloke said...

Hahahahahaha ...... men that was a classic ...

Anu boy said...

i swear... this babe,,, you are too mad mehnnnn... funny die... i am so loving this..

My 2 cents said...

Too funny, way too funny.
I had an exeperience an uncle of mine. Real good looking dude but the first day I heard him snore.. men it was like a WWF match. it was horrendous to say the least..

sugarlomps said...

wen read this ma mind did a quick flash back 2 a gateman like that that we had who wen he slps even an earthquake wont wake him n his snoring is like that of a molue coming 2 life.imagine gateman o
catwalq if it was mi i wont have even had the liver 2 find out o

30+ said...