Sunday, July 29, 2007

CATWALQ INTERNATIONAL ACADEMIE 1

NOTICE BOARD ANNOUNCEMENT!
The Mango tree behind Class 5 is out of bounds to students. Anyone caught will be severely punished.

AFTER SCHOOL:
Waffarian: mee-en, look at those mangoes. Fada Lawd!
Overwhelmed: chei, see how their skin is just glowing.
Kpakpando: umn-hmn.
Idemmili: they are so ripe. all u have to do is shake the branches and they will fall.
Calabar girl: I can almost taste the juice.
Kpakpando: umn-hmn
Waffarian: where is that strong wind when u need it?
Overwhelmed: maybe I will just go and lean against it and see if anything falls
Calabar Girl: Ehn, when Mr. Laspapi is still on duty. And you know that he has been looking for people to cut grass all week.
Idemmili: mee-en, fia burn that elephant grass
Kpakpando: umn-hmn
Ugo D: ladies, ladies, please can you move to the side, you guys are on our field.
Waffarian: say what?
Atutupoyoyo: make una dress joo.
Overwhelmed: wait o, are u talking to me?
Kpankpando: hmn hmn hmn umn
Ugo D: Look, waffy and co, I am not getting into this today. you know this is when we play ball and yet u choose to stand right in the middle of the field everyday.
Waffarian: hey eh, AtuP, no make I take my red eye look una o. Ugo, how much space do you pple need to play sef?
Atutupoyoyo: all that one na yarns. abeg comot make I see road.
Fine Boy: hey, hey, hey, people what is gwan? Hey Kpakpa, what's up?
Kpankpando: Hi
Fine Boy: Hi
Calabar girl (in a whisper to Overwhelmed): hey, her mugu button is here.
Waffarian: Fine Boy, this does not con-syne you o
Fine Boy: Haba, how can you say that? Ugo, men. what's up, time is running. Chief Fineboy must not reach house before me o.
Ugo D: since it's only you she listens to, abeg tell your wife make she dress comot for here.
Atutupoyoyo: abi, plus her assistants
Calabar Girl: shut up and hobble away.
Overwhelmed: look am like monkey
Fine Boy: hey, that is not necessary. Waffy, girl, u know we have only this time before the seniors come and kick us off for their game. What do u say u let us ...?
Waffarian: we were just standing here jejely-and rora-ly. Abi, we are standing on your head,ehn Ugo.
Ugo: (shakes head and hisses)
Overwhelmed: look Fine Boy, the issue is, we want those mangoes. If you guys want us off the field, we gats to get our mango on.
Ugo, Fine Boy, Atutu: SAY WHAT?!!!!
Calabar Girl: U heard. Mango in hand, leg off your field.
Ugo: look men, am not about to serve punishment with you guys. Those toilets have not seen water not to talk of soap and I am not going to be the one to remind them what that is.
Atutupoyoyo: Amen
Waffarian: It's your call. I plan to be here everyday till Mango season is over. Then who knows what other fruit will be in season then.
Fine Boy: Waffy, why?
Waffarian: Zed.
Fine Boy: Guys, what do you say?
Ugo: Omo, match your brakes right now, u and who?
Fine Boy: Look all the best spots are taken. If we no do am by this time no more then. U know it is almost time for prep
Atutupoyoyo: Which is why, they should be in their dorms disturbing somebody else or something.
Overwhelmed: bite me
Atutupoyoyo: I don't want to catch something.
Fine Boy: hey, hey, no fighting.... U know what, just because it is you, Waffy and co, I will actually climb the tree myself, but
Overwhelmed: but what?
Fine Boy: Ww will all go to the tree. Even if I climb, you guys will stand under. And somebody has to stand guard.
Waffy: I am down. Oya. I will show you which branches have the nicest ones.
(Yosh, Ubong Da, Diary of a G, Boorish, Omodudu approach)
Diary of a G: niggas, what the f*#@S up?
Boorish: abeg stop that break dance, with all your american lingo you picked from DSTV
D.O.G: are you disrespecting me?
Yosh: (chuckling) Fine Boy, AtuP, are we playing or not?
Ugo: Not unless, we climb the mango tree.
Boorish: why, what for?
Idemmili: for the mangoes silly
Omodudu: oya, what are we waiting for?
Yosh: uh, i do not think that is a good idea.
Calabar Girl: that's why we did not ask you to think
Yosh: ouch
Calabar Girl: sorry
Boorish: wait, who is climbing the tree and who is eating the fruit? cos i am not about to be tarzan-ing up and down
Ugo: with laspapi on patrol
Yosh: and u could fall and break your legs.
Waffarian: now that the wooses have spoken, Fine Boy, oya now. Idemmili, make sure we know if anyone is coming.
(Fine Boy, Omodudu, Calabar Girl, Boorish, Kpankpando, Waffy move off)
Yosh: Oh boy, I don't like the look of this.
Diary of a G: well, those mangoes look really good.
Ugo: oh shit, toilets here we come
Atutupoyoyo: (handing Idemmili the ball and following the mango climbing team) why am I always doing dumb shit like this?
Ubong Da: u want the mangoes too?
Idemmili: yup. lovely juicy, soft mangoes.
Ubong Da: yeah, sinking your teeth into the soft flesh
Idemmili: and the sweet liquid bursting into your mouth
Ubong Da: streaming down your throat
Idemmili: your mouth struggling to manage the fullness of the fruit...
Ubong Da: ok, ok, ok. I see your M&Bs at work here.
Idemmili: what, u think you cannot match me?
Ubong Da: Idem, girl, my sturves will crush the nonsense of M&Bs any time.
Idemmili: you are on. you write something and I'll write something and we will see whose is better.
Ubong Da: who is going to judge? can't be either one of us
Idemmili: has to be someone that can read.
Ubong Da: that rules out half the class
Idemmili: that's not nice
Ubong Da: ok, when do you want to have it ready for? cos I can whip up something right now.
`Ubong Da: what...shit. men, yawa.
Laspapi: All of you freeze!!! Don't even bother to run. I know all of you. I know your father. I know your mother and above all, I know you. Fine Boy, just sit on that branch where you are and Waffarian, as you are holding those mangoes, just come right here. Diary of a G, pull up your pants. If you don't want to wear clothes, let us know, otherwise find a belt!!!!

160 comments:

Anonymous said...

FUST!!!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

OMG!!!! Catwalq, this is exceptional. Please sign me up for the academy, oh. You are talented, oh jare. Them talking about cleaning toilets reawakened the horror of my days as a boarder at QC - the horror, the horror!!! May I never ee toilets like that again, Amen.

Next instalment, please????

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Second & third....yay!!!!
Anonymous, you messed me up , mehn.

Unknown said...

lol!!!!! Catwalq, You're so damn funny ... Wetin Laspapi do them? They suppose serve Frogjump and wash enough Toilet .. I first think say Kpakpando no fit talk anything else except Ummm ummm... LOL. Great Stuff

TMinx said...

Catwalq I tried to add this to blogville gist yesterday but your link wouldn't stay put..will try later today.

Oh Gosh, Solomonsydelle, QC toilets this early in the morning..forgive me while I go to puke.

Admin UD said...

nice one, kinda in a hurry, will be back in a jiffy. Cheers!

O.šeyï said...

hahahahahaha... you are a character. lol.

Sam Oracle said...

Couldn't help laughing.

UnNaked Soul said...

LMAO!!!
more please...LOL

diary of a G said...

O my Gosh, caught red handed!
golly gee weeepers
what are we gonna do?


Lovedid it

Anu boy said...

oh boy, na wa oh, this shit is as funny as hell oh, come is hell funny sef, but mehn this is brilliant, i love it, nice one oh

Mrs Somebody said...

hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahhahahhahahhaha..............Catwalq! you got me laughing so hard!Where does Mrs Somebody come in? I want to punish UnNaked Soul so gimme that part.LOL.

Aijay said...

Hilarious!! Lmao.......

exschoolnerd said...

hahaha...crazy!!!but ehn when do i feature?

Nwanyi Ocha said...

Catwalq -International Academy with juicy mangoes lolol.

Who got flogged first?
Who did micheal jackson evading tactics ?
Who did odi oshi? - lololol

oya jist quick quick

Mr.Fineboy said...

LOL...hilarious! I started to think blogville was dead, but this babe ur keeping it aive abeg!! Too funny, can't wait for the next one...that senior Laspapi sef...

Confused Naija Girl said...

he he tres funny!!
cant wait for more.

Atutupoyoyo said...

Catwalq baby, you have out done even the Naija heaven post.

How do you do it? It was merely an atrraction before but I am now head over heels in love with your wit and imagintion. Not to mention your complete joblessness of course :-)

♥♫♪nyemoni♫♪♥ said...

I so wanna join in!

Unknown said...

LMAO
yeah the Kenyan in me tried to understand the tit bits of the pidgin English there and was lost, but other than that i love your posts. keep it up.

Jaja said...

Chai! this girl... U have done what Napoleon could not do...

The Gist sweet die!

I wont be as shameless as some people to ask when i get enrolled into this school....

when i check tomorrow i want to see a 2-page update..

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

ehn, jaja, who are you calling shameless? Me and Nyemoni, eh? I don't blame you. Oya! Catwalq, I volunteer to punish jaja very well. Watch yourself mehn......

lol!

...toyintomato said...

..make sure, anyone that wants to enroll in this academie, has to settle you, properly.
and of course, i will handle all finances using the popular Enron style accounting..wink!

*****5 stars , great post

Ms. Catwalq said...

Oh my goodness, I had prepared myself for some serious online brushing. Thank God you liked it. I almost did not post it as I feared I had bitten off more than I could chew by advertising it in the first place.

@Anonymous: yeah, u r

@Solomonsydelle: Pass on the Torch girl. Class of 2001. Official toilet scrubber right here.

@Tayo: Thanks. I am actually waiting on both their comments

@Taureanminx: I was about to say. When I checked and I was not mentioned. na pride no make I talk. I appreciate all the love sha.

@Ugo D: Thanks

@Oseyi: well, I try

@Oracle: I am glad.

@Unnaked: don't worry, your own is coming.

@D.O.G: Yes u did. thanks

@Anu Boy: Thanks. anytime

@Mrs Somebody:You are the integrated science teacher.

@aiijay: hello. welcome

@exschoolnerd: no shaking. u and toyintomato are about to make your arrival

@Nwanyiocha: I am guessing D.O.G cos his pants are already sagged.

@Mr. Fineboy: coming from you, that's alot. so u like ur character?

@Confused: thanks. will update soon

@AtuP: MUAH DAHLEEN. I am not jobless o, just have a computer that faces the wall, so my bosses cannot see over my shoulder.

@Nyemoni: your admission letter should be arriving soon

@k.i.p: thanks and welcome to you too

@Jaja: I gotchu *wink* *wink*

@Solomomsydelle: don't mind him jare
@

EDNUTEY said...

lmao
all kpakpando said was humm humm and hi
lmao...more pls

Omodudu said...

I want to be class captain..you ehn!

Unknown said...

HILARIOUS---rora-ly and jeje-ly just made their way into my lexicon

IJEOMA said...

nice ..nice.. funny

Anonymous said...

lol.. i knew waffy would be the first one to notice those mangoes... lol.. but come why do i have to be the one leaning against the mango tree? emi ni lady attitude... hehe.. lmao.. atup.. thats fucking jokes... lol con-syne.. lol jejely-and rora-ly' that is fucking classic... lmao... hehe.. waffy is a rebel oh bout 'I plan to be here everyday till Mango season is over' thats funny as hell

lmao i hate your inference say me i carry somethin oh.. atup.. i dont like that nonsense response you gave there 'i dont want to catch something'... we go fight oh! lmao@boorish stop all that breakdance.. hat dude always did have a mouth on him... hehe.. calabargal is brave.. lol.. she straight up gave it to yosh.. bout we did not ask you 2 think.. lol.. catwalq you are a GENIUS! lol.. you understand ubong.. the randy man na him dey carry mango dey think 'juicy flesh'... lol in fact him and idemili self.. na really m&b conversations.. lol

lmao@papi the task manager... i LOVEEDDD this piece... cant wait fo the next installment.. you rock cat... i loveee this.. and yes keep highlighting my conversations.. lol

Arewa said...

Lol ....more please x x x

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Lmao @ just sit on the branch where you are. LMao!

Waffarian said...

abeg, laughter wan kill me for here! don't know when i laughed this hard! hehehehehehe, abeg, give us more, i dey enjoy am for here! you this babe, you dey funny oh!

Anonymous said...

Atutupoyoyo: I don't want to catch something. hehehehehe,O.M.G,lol

laspapi said...

This is different. I like it.

...toyintomato said...

..ehh, adjusting my gele, heard you have started givin out admission letter..nonsenseibility, shey you did not read my last comment.."let them settle you first"
somethin is tellin me that you are not naija, abi i have to spell it out..kilode, tell them to slide the envelope to my office..

Toyintomato: self appointed
Director Of Financial services
Catwalq international academie..

♥♫♪nyemoni♫♪♥ said...

JAJA dey try me o! Lol... Just wait till I lay my hands on you!

Unknown said...

Oya, which part you go give me o? Abi you dey talk say me i no go school? I no be Illiterate o!

uknaija said...

This is really funny and innovative...

יש (Yosh) said...

awesome! Lol..the memories from living in the "shackles" of fear from elementary to high school! Nice plot!

I'd want to match these characters to their real personalities...hahahahaha, "uh, i do not think that is a good idea...Oh boy, I don't like the look of this." hmmm, says alot! :)

princesa said...

Am wondering what my part would be if i feature in this ur academy. Maybe you should tell me Catwalq.
Good one.

Unknown said...

muhahahahahahaa, i know your father and mother... hehehe, wicked tisha!
but bia, this girl, am I a mute or something? maka gini i no dey talk ehn?
Ugo seems cantankerous, Ide and Ubong are already up to no good sef. That Waffarian even get warri waiyo.

luvs it!

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

lol! hilarious! me too i want to be sp-senior prefect! tee hee! i'm waiting for my installment!

Anonymous said...

Thumbs up girl... u sure nailed it!!!!

Ms. Catwalq said...

@toyintomato: what r ur qualificatons to handle my money? ehn?

@sparkle: thanks

@omodudu: really? we shall see.

@Jola naibi; yeso, & make sure everyone knows na me give u

@Ijeoma: thanks

@overwhelmed: na wah for u

@arewa: coming soon

@waffarian: thanks. hope it cheered u up

@laspapi: thank u sir. does it pass your test on quality. am preparing to work with you.

@toyintomato: what will I do with you.

@Nyemoni: don't worry, I have something for u

@Tayo: u dey school. no worry

@uknaija: thanks

@Yosh: no sweerie. u r no woose. u r the class conscience. U still climbed the tree nah

@Princessa: u dey dere. no shaking

@Kpakpa: am sorry ma. will fix it immediately.

@The experience...: omodudu don apply. abi we should have class elections

@anonymous: thanks. come back anytime

snazzy said...

very funny post, i like. Nice one.

Anonymous said...

so OWNB got cooties

Anonymous said...

that was cooooooool!
sign me up, sign me uuuuup!!!!

Tyra!!! said...

Very funny dialogue. Nice work. Weldone to all of the participants. Good job.

Jaja said...

I keep haunting your blog now. Update.

It still remains my bestest post.
@solomondylle: i never mentioned names ;)

Anonymous said...

lol...funny!
u nailed G and Ugo's character. can actually seem them doin that

Ubong Da said...

LOL

Anonymous said...

i 4got and ubong's 2....

Thirty + said...

Is it too late to register, they need a teacher's girl now

Anonymous said...

Kai!!! Where was I when this started?!!!! Excellent!!!!


Ide.

Anonymous said...

Catwalq, you're funny. I don't think you should give Kpakpa much to say, you'll destroy the mystery, the enigma. Abi Kpakpa you don't like being the mysterious centre of Fineboy's attentions?

[LAWL @ the dialogue between Ubong and I. You dey crase. I don't want to tell you how to 'dash' characterisation but me I want to 'gbensh' someone here o! I never did in secondary school, in fact the bus leave me sef so I want to be a bad girl. Maybe do Jaja, Fineboy, er..will give you a complete list of those to be gbenshed!


Alternatively girl, you could keep doing what you're doing. I could still be the one who just talks about it and doesn't do it. Story of my life.]

Disregard all propositions, this this is funny! Where is part 2?!!!!

Ide

TDVA said...

abi o, where is part two?

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