Trying to hold my head above water...

I just saw Raise The Red Lantern. Zhang Yimou has my heart and imagination in the palm of his hand and he does not even know it. Film for me is therapy and torment. There is nothing more consuming for me to immerse myself in the characters I watch and connect with and nothing more dousing than to have the credits roll and have to climb back out into the reality of my life.

Since I was a child, I lived in scenes. It can be a blessing and a burden when you have an overactive imagination. You are quick to trust...to believe and quick to hurt. Because there is nothing more distabilising than opening your eyes from a scene that your thoughts and senses have created in your mind to a reality that is so far removed from where you are coming.

Imagination is extremely hard to share. Especially when you live in a society such as a Nigerian one where, most people have lost that ability since childhood all in the quest for survival. Depression is not too distant from the creative mind. It is simply because no one but you can see what you see, can feel what you feel.

I sometimes sit in panicked solitude wondering if these characters I create, these ambitions I strive for and these words that only I hear will never manifest beyond the realms of my mind. What will I do if I cannot become what I want to become? Will I accept the simple gift of my imagination or will I wonder in anguish why my maker would choose to torment me with the possibilities that are not mine to have?

I love my life...or rather, I am greatful for it. What I have, where I've been and whom I've known; some would kill for the chance. Still I could/can be and have more. It is the dream of "more" that drives me each day. The knowledge that I can create my own happiness and be more than just a numbered record of a birth and death when the time comes.

I don't need accolades. I just want to be able to face Him when I am done and say "Sir, with the gifts you gave me and with the opportunities for love and service you placed before me, these are the things I did in your name."

But when the things that I want to do elude me and I have built a relationship with Him that works in the way that only the things that are mine to have come my way, how do I keep going?

This is why people should not stay up for three days straight and try to blog. You start talking some dumb assed shit, imagining yourself to be reflective. If your child tells you she/he wants to be an architect/blogger/designer/writer, have them email me....

SOC (SAVE OUR CATWALQ)...make I no carry F9 o

Who can help me get pictures and/or the master plan of any one of the following UNIs?
I need pics of the senate house (where the VC stays/ main admin), the front gate and student union....

1. UNILAG
2. UNIBEN
3. OAU
4. UI


Please.......!!!!!!

If not, keep on reading... Academie is below

Catwalq Academie III

8.00 am
Unnaked: (knocks)
Omodudu: come in
Unnaked: Excuse me senior, please I am looking for Senior Fineboy.
Omodudu: Fine Boy!!!
Fine Boy: Mmn-hmn?
Omodudu: Person dey fyne u
Fine Boy: Yes?
Unnaked: Excuse me senior...
FineBoy: Yes?
Unnaked: Senior Baba Alaye said I should call you.
Fine Boy: Say what?
Unnaked:I said Seni...
FineBoy: I heard you. What does he want?
Unnaked: I did not ask him senior.
FineBoy: Where is he?
Unnaked: At the back of Senior Rec
FineBoy: okay, go and tell him you did not see me in class but that you left a message.
Unnaked: But...but
FineBoy: Are you deaf?
Unnaked: No senior
FineBoy: now get out.
Unnaked: yes senior. thank you senior.
(Unnaked exits hurriedly)
Omodudu: what was that all about?
FineBoy: I am finished!
Omodudu: Why, what happened?
FineBoy: The fada wants me
Omodudu: uh, u mean Baba Alaye?
FineBoy: (looks at him in an are-u-serious? way) who else?
Omodudu: dang, what are u going to do?
FineBoy: Omo, I have been posting the guy since yesterday. he has been looking for me.
Omodudu: Please don't tell me, it's what I think it is...
FineBoy: Please don't lecture me
Omodudu: Did we not warn you about Taurean Minx. By the way, it is Senior Taurean Minx. Why don't you ever know your levels?
FineBoy: abeg, make I hear word.
Omodudu:so what are you going to do now
FineBoy: well, as long as I can help it, he won't be seeing me.
Omodudu: I think say u be bad guy? Why u no go show am say you get liver? after all, no be u talk say e no fit do u anything for this campus
FineBoy: u know what? watch me walk away
Omodudu: And go where? U think he does not know u are here? This is going to be interesting.


12.00 noon
Yosh: My Guy, why are u sitting on the floor
Waffarian: no mind am. what is that u are eating. he is hiding from Baba Alaye
FineBoy: Waffy, I am not in the mood. Don't annoy me
9ja Opeke: how u no go get mouth for woman? u no fit follow the person wey dey disturb you hala, u con dey here, dey make noise
Toyintomato: Hy steel ave spyzee steek meat? FineBoy, why hare u hon d floor?
Yosh: Apparently Baba Alaye is looking for him
Toyintomato: O ti o
Atutupoyoyo: Iyawo, where is my stick meat now?
Toyintomato: Hah!!! the owner hof the money hon my head. Hy ham comeeng o
Atutupoyo: oya o. Haba, my guy, are you still here? What are you going to tell Mrs Somebody when she comes into class and sees you sitting there? How long are you going to be on the floor.
9ja Opeke: Abeg, leave him o. me I want to see how this one will end. Baba Alaye has been sending juniors here every thirty minutes to call him.
Waffarian: And it is no coincidence that so many seniors have been passing round here. The gist has spread that Baba Alaye is out for this guy
Omodudu: (Arriving) I guess Fine Boy is about to be unfine.
Yosh: wetin dey do u sef?
9ja Opeke: dis one na original thriller. I wan die. Yosh, wetin dey your hand
Yosh: guguru, u want some?
Jaja:(arriving) make u no break your neck as you dey eye im food
9ja Opeke: Solomonsydelle!!! Come carry your husband before I wound am o
Solomonsydelle: (from the other side of class) Go0d forbid o. Opeke mind yasef o
Teediva: (knocks)
Omodudu: wait let me guess...you are looking for someone.
Teediva: Yes senior...Senior Fine...
Omodudu: Fine Boy is indisposed.
Teediva: ????
Omodudu: Go and tell senior Baba Alaye that he is not around
Teediva: No, I was sent by Senior Taurean Minx. She asked him to come
FineBoy: really?
Yosh: heeeeyy, see your life. Na woman go kill you.
Teediva: Senior FineBoy?
Waffarian: look, junior girl did u not hear him say Fine Boy is not here?
Teediva: But he...?
9ja Opeke: u wan make I slap you, make your brain recharge?
Teediva: no...no...(hurriedly shakes head)
Waffarian: Oya marchalout, one time before I open my eye
(Teediva flees)
Jaja: u girls are so cruel to one another. You could have delayed her here a bit
9ja Opeke: so u can be panting here like alsatian? abeg dress comot. Solomonsydelle...!!!
Solomonsydelle: If u say it, Opeke, we will fight today
9ja Opeke: yeye girl, why are u fronting. we all know...
Jaja: me, I am not there. u know she will brush you
Omodudu: heesh! we have a situation here. as u can see they are resorting to using Taurean Minx's name to catch him
Waffarian: and as he cannot live without woman, they will. See how he nearly followed that girl out of here. Oh boy, u dey craze?
FineBoy: (cradling his head) I don't even know how it is doing me now. I think I am running a temperature
9ja Opeke: mumu.


7.30 pm
9ja Opeke: we are finished o...it is over. men
Waffarian: yeeee, my mother is going to kill me. expulsion. chei my life. Kpakpando, why? why?
Kpakpando: (looking on in stony silence)
Yosh: As I am looking at you now, u need to be glad I was raised not to hit a woman cos u deserve serious brushing
Overwhelmed: Please somebody, tell me what is going on? Men, how did I miss all the gist
Jaja: Kpakpando, I fear u o
Overwhelmed: Kpakpando, what did u do?
Solomonsydelle: this is simply unacceptable
Overwhelmed: who do I have to screw to find out what is going on here?
Yosh: Trust me overwhelmed, u don't want to know
Overwhelmed: but I do... father, lord. please somebody tell me.
(Omodudu and Ugo Daniel walk in)
Waffarian: how far?
Omodudu: (shakes his head)
Ugo D: we might have to go report to Mr. Laspapi. but guys, what were you thinking?
(Exschoolnerd walks in)
ExScNd: Kpakpando, u better hide cos if I set my eyes on you today, it will not be funny
Ugo D: calm down calm down
Kpakpando: (says not a word)
Jaja: this girl, u are on another level of spooky.
ExScNd: did u even think about all the things that could happen? did u think about anyone but yourself? U are special o
9ja Opeke: see how she is even looking like mumu
Kpakpando: watch it! don't think because I am silent...
Yosh: u better leave her alone before she has u shipped off to Ivory Coast
Omodudu: As it is, hasn't she already?
Overwhelmed: Okay, this is too much. Please! Please !! PLEASE!!!! Someone tell me what is going on
9ja Opeke: stop shouting. it is prep time
Ugo D: They tried to smuggle Fine Boy home in a ghana-must-go
Overwhelmed: Say what?!
Yosh: I thought we scrapped that idea in favour of the sick exeat that ExScNerd, ehm...procured.
Waffarian: We had to find a way to get him out of class and to the gate.
9ja Opeke: so we asked Baba Willy to carry the bag
Overwhelmed: Baba Willy, the gateman?
Solomonsydelle: we told him to keep the bag and we will come back and tell him which car to take the bag to.
Overwhelmed: please tell me this is a story. Fineboy was in the bag the whole time?
Yosh: Desperate times call for desperate measures
Overwhelmed: and what happened? how does Kpakpando factor into all this?
Waffarian: she went and told Baba Willy which car to put the ghana-must-go in
Overwhelmed: and?
9ja Opeke: she was never in on the plan....how was she to know
Jaja: u know, I always fear quiet women. See how she is not speaking. She will just be watching and waiting. She had been waiting and waiting while FineBoy was using her to play ball and chasing after this female and that female
Waffarian: Kpakpando, love is not by force o
9ja Opeke: I guess even Fineboy crossed the line sef. How could he ask Kpankpando to go deliver the gifts to TaureanMinx.
Overwhelmed: Jisoz!!! Where have I been?
Jaja: me , I don't know
Solomonsydelle: u know Senior Nwanyi Ocha is her school mother and she is in the same class as Taurean Minx
Overwhelmed: so where is Fineboy
Ugo D: on the bread truck...
Yosh: possibly on his way to Ibadan or something
Overwhelmed: YEEEEE!!!!
Omodudu: exactly
Waffarian: the worst part is that, no matter what, he will be discovered and brought back and of course that will create questions
Yosh: Cos there was no way the he could have carried himself in a ghana must go onto the truck
Omodudu: And Baba Willy said, the truck driver saw him load the truck but as usual assumed it was part of the returns
Overwhelmed: girl, how did u get Baba Willy to do it?
Kpakpando (with a wide smile) I gave him Willy Juice
(the entire group is silent)
ExScNd: U know what, I think I just wet myself. That was the scariest sight.
Jaja: is she smiling?
Yosh: I believe so. I think we might have a "case" on our hands.
Kpakpando: why are you all acting so silly? Nothing will happen to him
Ugo D: (voice struggling to be civil) U think so. U get a drunk security guard to put your classmate who is in a ghana-must-go on a bread truck...
ExScNd: How are we even sure it was the bread truck
Solomonsydelle: please don't scare me
Kpakpando: (chuckling) he will be fine. Someone has gone to get him
Waffarian: Girl, I am never speaking to you again. You did what?
Kpakpando: I got someone to go after him
9ja Opeke: and I love this school so much. so na like dis expulsion dey happen? I dey return go Abakaliki grammar school
Yosh: Kpakpando....
Jaja: this nightmare will never end
Kpakpando: (rising to her feet abruptly and startling the group. They move back slightly) SHUT UP! EVERYONE SHUT UP! I have done nothing wrong. Just thought to have a little fun like he has been having with me all semester
Waffarian: is this all because he did not jah u face?
Kpakpando: I am over that. He thought he had a mugu abi, and all of u were always there to give him hype like toying with someone's emotions is fun...
Yosh: but what you have done is putting his life in danger and ours as well.
Ugo D: what will u say if something happens to him?
Kpakpando: like I said, nothing will
ExScNd: (in a whisper) please explain
Kpakpando: who can get out of the gates and back in and has access to a car?
Omodudu: Forgive me, if I cannot do riddles right now
Solomonsydelle: or I for that matter
Yosh: same here
Kpakpando: let's just say his ride back to school should be interesting


Somewhere in a car....
Olawunmi: Are you okay? Are you comfortable?
FineBoy: y...y....yes senior
Olawunmi: I am sure you are wondering why the head boy will come after you
FineBoy:N..no..N...Yes..senior Olawunmi
Olawunmi: You know, since we are out, why don't we make this an experience you won't forget. I mean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. How many of your friends can say that they bailed out with two seniors, one of whom was the head boy. ehn?
FineBoy:.........
Olawunmi: Breathe...I am amazed you stayed in that bag so quietly. You are probably hungry. We will stop at a joint and you can enjoy some correct peppersoup. Tomorrow, we will discuss your punishment but tonight, u can relax. U are already in trouble so just ride the wave. Abi, my guy, what do we say we show our little man here a good time?
Baba Alaye: Sounds like a spectacular idea!!!/

A good housewife, I will not make because....

1. I am not after five years in architecture school, 1-2 years in Grad School,3-5 years struggling for my license, and all the ensuing shenanigans going to pack up and stay at home and be cleaning a house and chasing bomboy. I am lazy/ crazy but not that lazy/ crazy.

2. For my sanity and that of my children, I believe it is imperative for both of us to take some time away from each other. Hence, beautiful inventions like my practice and their schools and if they are just too much, then boarding house.

3. What is the point? If a man is going to leave me, he is going to leave me. Giving up my life is no guarantee he will stay and pursuing my dreams is no indication either. But in the event, it happens, I need to have something to take my mind off the idea of going after him with the maiguard's shakabula. I will just go to work.

4. I need to wear a skirt suit from time to time. Who will admire my fine yansh at home. Bomboy and Lil'Cat will be too busy drooling or watching...sponge bob?

5. My mouth is too big. I don't know (m)any men that really value the role of a stay-at-home mother. So, they come home, they feel you have been doing nothing all day. "Catwalq, where is my food?" And I will say, "I don't know. Where did you put it?"

6. The role does not run in my family. I come from a long line of opinionated, working women.

7. That is a one way ticket to being absorbed with insignificant issues; like the thread count on your sheets.

8. I need to have my own account that has money coming in from a place he does not know. I am sorry, maybe it's watching too many Nigerian films or just simply being Nigerian but the only Joint account I am keeping is for school fees, rent, household expenses and bills. That way, one day if he shows up with one secondary school girl and says he wants to marry her, I can say "No, problem. Sign the divorce papers. Pay the alimony and child support( and you best believe I will be collecting) and move out (what, you thought I would pack out? Is his father a baga?)

9. If I was simply going to sit at home and make babies, i wouldn't have bothered with school. My ovaries are cool, they are popping. I could have been reproducing from age 11.

10. I never played with my dolls. I chewed them. They were tasty

11. I don't care what anybody has to say about it

I want my mummy (Catwalq Academie behind the scenes)

I have been in bed for two days. Running a high fever.
I want my mummy.
Then Yosh...,
Atutupoyoyo
Unnaked and then
Jaja, you can make me some correct peppersoup...
*sniff* *cough* *hackle*
And Laspapi, I need a good movie to watch
Then Overwhelmed will come and make noise and raise my temperature.
Because he lurves me so much, Yosh will put her out.
Kpakpando will stop by with some oyinbo type medicine that I will hide and pretend to swallow.
Toyintomato will come with conc-est agbo her grandmother could concoct.
Idemmili will bring me erotic reading material but she will not make it upstairs to my room because she would have bumped into Ubong Da and the tow would have disppeared.
Ugo D will send me a card.
Fatoumatta will call from SA and MTN will drop the line.
Unnaked and Atutu will go at it as each vies for a space at either side of my bed.
Yosh, will look up from his book, shake his head and tell them to be quiet.
Omodudu will stop by and tell me to get off my arse.
Fine Boy will not come until the whole thing has passed as he has abandoned blogville
Naija Politriks, Blogger General and UKNaija will get into it. Jeremy will stop by for a while and go off about the state of health care in the country.
After, I collect his Bournvita and Lucozade, I will ask Atutu and Unnaked to put him out.
They will happily oblige me.
Bibi wouldn't mind.
Waffarian will send me some peppersoup that Porter DeHarcourt will deliver...with six pieces of meat missing.
BabaAlaye will make sure that NEPA does not take light so that the air condition will cool my body.
Then I will cry cos usually that's how I reach the end of my illness. Everyone will freak out and think something serious is wrong.
My mother will hiss and direct Yosh and Atutu (cos Unnaked has gone to toast some chick) to carry me to the bathroom. They will drop me into the bath filled with cold water. i will scream and my mother will hold me down. Then I will be pulled out and cleaned and towelled dry.
By then, the bed has been remade and new teddy-bear patterned nighty presented.
My mummy helps me into them and gives me a new pair of yellow socks.
I am sniffling and telling her that when my daddy comes, I will tell him. I am going to report everybody and everyone is going to be sorry
Then everyone starts to leave one by one until...
only mummy remains.
I want my mummy...
and even though I love you guys to sege...
I want my mummy.

Him and I

Maybe I should hold out. Maybe I should wait. But isn't that what I have been doing? Waiting?
Sometimes, it is so much easier to give in to those desires that hold court in your heart. Maybe, I am not that strong at all. Maybe there is nothing even spectacular about me at all. Maybe I am just a 23 year old woman trying to survive in an environment that is not realy equipped to accept her when she is at her best or at least striving to be so.

Maybe I am tired of wondering when my time will come. Maybe I am allowed a moment of weakness. Maybe I am not weak at all. Maybe in fact, letting go will be a true manifestation of my strength. Maybe I am just lazy. I mean, can I say that waiting this long is too long? Maybe I am just coming up with one excuse after the other.

Maybe I should just enjoy this. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is all I can handle at the moment. Maybe it might become something more. Maybe one day, I will cease to be 23 and he 35.

COS E NO EASY

Oya, princessa (and all my other supporters), here are the links to my other blogs. http://banibaraje.blogspot.com/
http://saheeda.blogspot.com/
Make blog protection services no talk say i be unfit blogger come comot my babies from my care.
I even have pics of my last design project up.
have a lovely weekend everybody.
stay away from anon comments with no purpose.
And finally a shout out to my blog crush: Yosh, what's up?

CATWALQ ACADEMIE (BEHIND THE SCENES)

I was sitting at my laptop, thinking of what to talk about in today's post. After erasing my eight draft, I went to my saved drafts and found this piece, I started months ago and discarded...

PinkPeke Productions: Welcome to another episode of DIS BLOGGERS SEF. Today, we are going to visit with Ms Catwalq Bani-Baraje, the creator and executive producer of the "world famous" Catwalq Academie Series. Ms Catwalq, welcome to the show.

Catwalq: Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here.

PP P: So, we are five episodes in and the entire country is hooked...

Catwalq: I am just as surprised. We have been getting THOUSANDS of comments and MILLIONS of letters of hopefuls asking to be cast in the series.

PP P: Wow...yeah, cos we are fans too. Where did you get the inspiration for it?

Catwalq: well, i have a professional degree in fantasizing.With a concentration in creativity

PP P: From where?

Catwalq: The Universal Institute of Joblessness and Laziness.

PP P: How long did it take you to put together the cast and crew.

Catwalq: not too long. I am the writer, director, producer, make up artist, sound editor, cinematographer...in short the entire crew. There is a local grammar school by my house. I just sit outside and watch them pass.

I never quite got to finish it, so I am asking you to submit your questions for Catwalq and she will answer in her end of year, profile of her self. Conceited? Perhaps...but it is the easiest way to come up with a post.
So, send in your questions. They can be about anything and I will answer them in my next post.

CATWALQ INTERNATIONAL ACADEMIE II

NOISEMAKERS LIST: 1. WAFFARIAN X 19 2. IDEMMILLI X 15 3. TOYINTOMATO X 12 4. OMODUDU X 5 5. YOSH X 10 6. FINE BOY X 35 7. UBONG DA X 18 8. ATUTUPOYOYO X 28 9. DIARY OF A G X 16 + BREAK DANCING IN CLASS 10. OVERWHELMED X 25 11.SOLOMONSYDELLE X10 12. JAJA X 12 13. GEISHA X 2 14. BOORISH (LISTENING TO MUSIC OUT LOUD) 15. EXSCHOOL NERD X 1 Jeremy Naija blog: I really need to go home. My driver has been here for over an hour. 30+: hmn, i think you want to ride the ambulance home. They are waiting for you outside. Jeremy: why is everyone so mad at me? did i lie when I said they were making noise. they were...or did you not notice. Princessa: all that one na yarns men. Jeremy: I beg your pardon 30+: hei, chineke they will brush dis oyinbo boy today o Jeremy: I have done nothing wrong. Princess: didn't anyone explain to you exactly how writing-names-of-noise-makers goes? Jeremy: Mrs. Somebody told me to write the names of anyone who makes a sound and subsequently add a mark every time after that. Princessa: sobziequo...eh-eh? 30+: u are only supposed to warn them. You are not really supposed to give the teacher their names. Jeremy: I am supposed to lie? Then where is the integrity in being the noise captain? Princessa (bursts into laughter): sobquo, intagreetie, dis is going to be funny men. Toyintomato have break a branch and she said she will use it and kola si e loju Jeremy: i never quite follow you, Princessa. 30+: she just means that Toyintomato is waiting for you outside with a stick. She intends to make marks on your face with it. .Jeremy: My God, why has everyone gone crazy? I only did as I was asked. why is everyone on my case. 30+: I feel you. well, the boys were handed over to the seniors for punishment and Mrs. Somebody took the girls. Princessa: and you know the seniors don't like us. Jeremy: They don't...? Wha... Toyintomato: ehen! dis ez whia u a hydeeng? Hmn, Jehrehmee, what did i does u, ehn, what did I does you? Dat u came and went and gave my name to Mrs. Somebodee? Waffarian: Broda from obodo, na here u dey. we know know now. we dey find you. (The class fills up with the girls) Solomonsydelle: Jeremy, u wrote my name on the noisemakers list? when was I making noise? Jeremy: if you all calm down, I can tell you exactly when you made my list. Toyintomato: make your list. Hy did not make your list o. was heet not u dat write it yoursef? 30+: u guys please calm down. U guys will get in more trouble o Idemmili: 30+, 30+, i know say ur eyes no go see road after oyinbo man don look your side. 30+: Idemmili, please watch yourself o. Ex School: abeg, make I hear word. Ngbo, Jeremy, you were writing names today and of all the people you could see to name, you put mine. Toyintomato: leave him o, atoole osi. Princessa: (giggles) Jeremy: ladies.... Solomonsydelle: u and who are lady-ing? abi u think u are still in london abi it even paris sef? Idemmilli: don't mind this scotland boy. Jeremy: I am from England Toyintomato: hand then? Waffarian: your return can be arranged cos I need to repay you generously for the opportunity you presented me with having to clean the toilets. Toyintomato: Hand Hy ad to go clia the deesgozteen keecheen gottas. Exschool: can you imagine? Jeremy: I am sorry you had to experience that but you must admit you girls were making noise. I mean, Waffarian, you were roaring loud in Pidgin English about whatever it was you were talking about and when I looked at you in warning, you waved at me. Waffarian: Make I no greet you again? see me see trouble o Toyintomato: Mststshhw! Idemmili: abi Jeremy: and u Idemmilli, am not even sure what "heaving bosoms and pulsating members" are but you and Ubong Da sure do Solomonsydelle: when was I making noise Jeremy? you have still not answered my question. Jeremy: I am surprised you don't remember with you and Jaja nearly coming to blows. Solomonsydelle: so defending myself is now noise making Ex School: oya prepare to defend yourself cos you are about to make some noise Idemmili: and I guarantee you it will not involve heaving bosoms. 30+: u guys match your brakes o, match your brakes Jeremy: what is all this? Princessa: (laughing) (Overwhelmed and Geisha walk in laughing, encounter the situation and freeze) Geisha: chineke me, what is going on here Overwhelmed: gen gen, what is popping Toyintomato: whia hare you comeeng frohm? Overwhelmed: from Back Gate. Geisha: went to get Suya, what is going on? Waffarian: nothing. Jeremy: no, I am being accosted by them cos their names were on the noise makers list. Geisha: their names were on the list or you put their names on the list. Jeremy :.... Overwhelmed: come to think of it, I should be vexed with you. idemmili: come to think of it, you should, where are you coming from? Geisha: u know Alhjaji Blogger Generalwants to marry Overwhelmed. He organised her all this suya. U should see. (both girls open their bags) Toyintomato: Jisoz!!! did hall the sheekens heen the town die? Waffarian: o baby, dis jollification is not going to be a solo effort. Overwhelmed: haba, u should know me now, if i wanted to solo it, I would not have come to class. (they deposit the bag on Jeremy's desk and everyone begins to dig in) Ex School: 30+ you won't eat? See princessa has jaboed you. Jeremy, u won't eat? Jeremy: (slightly bewildered) no thank you. I am going home. (the boys walk in) Fine Boy: JEREMY NAIJA BLOG!!!! MY GUY!!! Jeremy: Oh lord, not again. Jaja (singing): white man white man bring a little white rope for the white man Ubong Da: Idemmili, freeze, thou shalt not indulge in the sins of the stomach alone. Idemmili: Mststshhw! Yosh :what are you still doing here? D.O.G: mhmmmm, i smell spicy suya. Omodudu: please tell me that Overwhelmed has got the hook up again. Overwhelmed: u're damn right. Omodudu: I am going to marry this chick. yeee Atutupoyoyo: Jeremy, odaran, u are still here. U wrote my name. Awww, o boy why now. Princessa: u guys nearly missed, the girls were going to brush him 30+: girl, your mouth will not koba u o. what are you playing at? Jaja: eh, dibs on front row seating men. I am on Ugo's desk. Yosh:I am going to assume, you are going to tell me how I got on your list. Jeremy: (standing up) you know what, since none of you want to face the fact that maybe, just maybe, you were indeed making noise, then you can go ahead and brush, sweep, broom me...whatever the case may be. Just get it all over in five minutes. The driver has been waiting for me and I am possibly holding him up from picking up my dad from work. Atutupoyoyo: LIVER!!! Toyintomato: Liva koo, kidney ni. e rush e joo Yosh: TT girl, pleasecalm down and pass me that breast. Toyinyomato: eh Jisoz! Yosh: chicken breast, that big piece there. Jeremy: then it is settled, bye, thanks 30+ for everything. will see you tomorrow. Fine Boy: o boy where are you going to? u have to sample this suya. Jeremy: no thanks. Yosh and Ubong Da: TAKE IT!!!! Jeremy (assessing the situation, accepts a piece of meat) Thank you. Toyintomato: u berra heat it veghy well. Heat eet hand swallow heet properly. Jaja: oya e don do, next time, you will not be selling sweet and biscuit in class (everyone bursts into laughter) Yosh: yeah, cos it was when we were talking that my name got put down. Jaja: solomonsydelle, solomonsydelle. i see u. i see u. soffry massacre that meat now. the thing is already dead. Solomonsydelle: u people, I will bite this boy o. Fine Boy: people, people, people; please allow me to enjoy this suya in peace and tranquility Ubong Da: and the randiness of your thoughts Idemmili: which one is doing him sef? Jaja: Me thinks our boy is sprung Jeremy: hun? (everyone looks at him)...sorry...ignore me Fine Boy: no, no, no people, allow the guy and by the way Jeremy that meat is not going to eat itself. don't waste Alhaji Blogger General's finest. Yosh (to Overwhelmed): does that guy know that you are not even yet fifteen? Atutupoyoyo: wetin "consign" the man? for kano she for don born like four junior Blogger Generals wey go help their papa dey chase the chicken around. Toyintomato (laughing with everyone): four, haaaa, mohdarah! killer! Waffarian: so fine boy, why r u so happy? Fine Boy: Waffy, my sister, I believe I am in love. Waffy and Solomonsydelle: u believe... Yosh: when Kpakpando catches you Ubong Da: it will be nothing like what he will suffer when Baba Alaye get's his hands on him Ex School Nerd: ye, fine Boy, please don't tell me... Jaja: yup. Jeremy, 30+, : What? D.O.G: He is talking about Taurean Minx.

FRUSTRATED (while I prepare to present Academie's sequel)

As usual, when I am preparing to update my blogs, I skim through my favourite blogs both for inspiration as well as to try and discern the general mood in blogville. If the trend is to be serious, I try and interject some philosophical reasoning into my posts and if levity is the mood, I strive to accomodate.

Blogville has opened my mind and heart to discourses that I feel in my estimation need to be experienced by all. From politics to erotica, blogville has something for you. Nigerian bloggers are much more special because their insights are borned out of surviving in a country which has little or nor respect for the workings of a creative mind. The average person has no patience to comprehend how much work it taked to craft words into literary sculptures to pique interest, seduce the intellect and hammer home a strong message. They are too busy with the business of surviving.


That is why I would think that Governor Fashola will have much more on his plates than to push sanctions of the choice of wardrobe of the modern Nigerian. The hypocrisy of this witch hunt is so blatant, it is disgusting. The same people screaming for moral reform are unwilling to tackle issues like sexual and domestic abuse, human rights violations, economic corruption and trafficking of any kind.


I need an explanation of how the sight of skin is going to affect the price of fuel. I need to know how a man choosing to braid his hair is going to provide constant eletricities so that students can study, businesses can run and people can enjoy the small, modest comforts of their homes.


Our forefathers and foremothers walked around (in most cultures) in loin cloths, completely unashamed and UNAFFECTED with the sight of exposed skin. In comes the puritanistic and pervasively conservative caucasian missionaries and they brainwash an entire people into believing that they are ugly and backward and we accept it and pass it on both directly and subliminally to subsequent generations.

Maybe we are, or how can you explain that a majority faith leader issues the ban on what a woman can wear to worship and immediately the entire congregation accepts it because, like in the worship of shrines, God apparently resides in one place.

My aunt who agrees with this idea of women not being ALLOWED to wear trousers to church told me she felt so because it is a garment associated with men. I corrected her by saying that it is a garment associated with freedom: freedom of mobility. A man is free to move around and do what he wants while women are forced to scurry about in the shadows so as not to terrify the man when he realises that the woman, if given the opportunity will accomplish alot and possibly more than he can. Am I now to cater to the insecurities of all men who cannot define themselves exclusive of the worship, adoration and deference of women?


I think amongst our people of sheep, God is a semi senile, absent minded caucasian MAN with a long beard and a quick temper who forgets what is going on and then remembers with swift "punishments" for those who erred whilst he was sleeping.


Nigerians, please wake up. You are sliding further and further into the backwardness of ignorance and hypocrisy. You are ruled by fear in all that you do. The western world sees this and capitalises on it and you say nothing.You refuse to challenge those whom you know are responsible for your problems, instead, you in turn inflict more pain on yourselves and on others or you chase after matters that have little or no bearing on the immediate situation. Case in point, the administrative board using HIV and pregnancy tests as a combatant for pre-marital sex when most HIV victims contracted the virus from our pathetically substandard medical practices. Please go to every university in the country, no matter how low on the radar and you will be shown, if you ask which youth are mistresses and boy toys to the wealthy and powerful. Start using your brains, there is a reason why that organ was placed in your head, above all other organs so you can think and reason from a higher perspective.


Some might say, why are you speaking out? Is it because you are one of those women who dresses indecently? I ask, then, what is decency and by whose standards do we measure it? Some people think that it is immoral to patronise and perform in the arts; to them all form of vocal talent that can be displayed is immoral and for the more silent ones like the fine arts, they are a waste of time. There are some that consider the advancements of technology such as the television and radio backward.Some think I am immoral for even speaking at all because as a woman, i guess their understanding is that, as a woman, I am only supposed to use my voice in acquiescence to whatever oppressive and represive situation I am faced with. Are these the people I am supposed to watch blindly while they attempt to come between me and my destiny?


How dare I even think to challenge the status quo? Well, the status quo is rubbish; an amalgamation of ill conceived ideas, structured to keep a certain group of people in control of a nation of people who are just like sheep.


I am getting increasingly frustrated that there will be no country for my children to grow up in. Our neighbours are leaving us behind. We call ourselves the "Giant of Africa" but now Nigeria is appearing more and more like the good for nothing big brother with an over inlated image of himself. And I am panicked to think of how many women and men will get hurt by these recent developments

I am tired and I need to know what I can do.

CATWALQ INTERNATIONAL ACADEMIE 2

COMING SOON...!!!!!!

In the main time, enjoy my other two blogs that no one likes to read.
Thank you plenty much.

MY FIRST BRA

It was time. My mother had finally taken pity on my jiggling up and down and pestering her to grant me my heart's desire. Catwalq was going to be the proud wearer of a very empowering contraption: THE BRA.

Now, I was on the path towards my sexiness. Yes, so I was short, round, had no hair but my bra would change all that. My mother would start respecting me and very soon all the men would be at my beck and call. The reason they were not after me was because I had no "uplifts" to my "weapons of mass seduction". In 24 hours, I would cease to be Cattie and become Miss Catwalq, potential owner of double Ds (so I prayed).

After conveying to my father and brother in the most important of tones (like they cared), our mission, my mother and I set off for the one place in the world where you can find the most sexy of undergarments: Tejuosho Market.

I was nearly besides myself with excitement. i could not wait to return after mid-terms with my new bra(s). Almost everyone in my class had them in every shape or form; even those whose "aspiring" potrusions were competing to attain groundnut shapes and sizes. I had been eyeing in envy all those girls in dorm as they dressed and unleashed on my non-bra-wearing person their imported varieties in color and fabric, I was determined that I too would give them a run for their money. They were to wait and see. The new and improved Catwalq was about to be unleashed.

First we stopped at every customer my mother had in the market and she informed them in loud whispers what we were here to do. Laughter, cackling, winks and immediate perusal of my chest followed. i endured it all because at the end of the long stretch of market corridor, right under the staircase leading upstairs to the clothing and apparel section and male sales people who liked to grab at females sat the mecca of brand new female underwear. they could laugh all they wanted, when I passed back in an hours time, they would see just how little of a girl I was.
Mststshhw! (hiss)

We got there. The women called out to the my mother and I and if not for the instructions I had been given before getting out of the car, i would have jumped forward and started rolling around. My mother settled on one woman with a nose ring. Seeing my eager face, the woman pulled out a bag containing some of the most colorful bras and matching panties I had ever seen. The models on their packaging, were white and had ironing boards for stomachs. the patterns were checkered, floral, mickey mouse, smiley faces etc. YES!!!! This was it, oh my God, this was it.

"Let's start with a 32 C" my mother informed the woman.

The woman expertly unwrapped the bras and spilled its contents out. She selected one. I will never forget it as long as I live. It was bright yellow with little red flowers running across the front. the top of it was scalloped in the lace patterns of the petals. the straps were tiny and had a little bow on the shoulder. The unpadded cups settled tightly into metal lifts to rest under my bra-virgin breasts and lift them to glory. And in a few minutes, it was going to be mine. i put my hand forward to touch it.
Smack! Iya Catwalq'a hand came out of no where and stung my skin. I retracted my smarting hand to saftety. What is going on? Even the seller was startled

"You will not wear such? Do you want to catch breast cancer?" say what? "or don't you know that the metal in the cups can rust against your skin? You will not put me in trouble. Madam, don't you have more suitable ones without metal?" My mother asked

"I get d one wey get plastic." the woman answered.

"No, none with anything. Just bring the plain bras."

I watched in slow motion as the objects of my sexual liberation that had been just minutes dangled beneath my nose like a punishing temptation, were slowly retracted and folded away and a bag containing another brand of womanhood brought forward. I nearly burst into tears when my mother reached for the bra of her choice.

The straps were so big, I could have checked "towel" off my back to school list.

It was plain cotton. Plain, boring and uninspiring cotton.

Visions of dressing in the dark to avoid being seen with such underwear catastrophes assualted my mind and my throat began to clog up with tears.

"Mummy..." I began.

"What?!" my mother snapped. That "what" was the kind that preceeded a slap and unlike Adaure's mother who waited to get home before she was beaten, my mother had no problems rearranging my facial features right there in the center of the market. And no one would intervene too because she just might met out the same to them.

That was how I walked home, the "proud" owner of four bras and matching panties.
We took the same route we had come in with and I had to "show off" my purchases.

When i got back to school, I made sure I took my shower at 3 in the morning and always dressed behind my locker door.

It took me two years to get over the experience.

CATWALQ INTERNATIONAL ACADEMIE 1

NOTICE BOARD ANNOUNCEMENT!
The Mango tree behind Class 5 is out of bounds to students. Anyone caught will be severely punished.

AFTER SCHOOL:
Waffarian: mee-en, look at those mangoes. Fada Lawd!
Overwhelmed: chei, see how their skin is just glowing.
Kpakpando: umn-hmn.
Idemmili: they are so ripe. all u have to do is shake the branches and they will fall.
Calabar girl: I can almost taste the juice.
Kpakpando: umn-hmn
Waffarian: where is that strong wind when u need it?
Overwhelmed: maybe I will just go and lean against it and see if anything falls
Calabar Girl: Ehn, when Mr. Laspapi is still on duty. And you know that he has been looking for people to cut grass all week.
Idemmili: mee-en, fia burn that elephant grass
Kpakpando: umn-hmn
Ugo D: ladies, ladies, please can you move to the side, you guys are on our field.
Waffarian: say what?
Atutupoyoyo: make una dress joo.
Overwhelmed: wait o, are u talking to me?
Kpankpando: hmn hmn hmn umn
Ugo D: Look, waffy and co, I am not getting into this today. you know this is when we play ball and yet u choose to stand right in the middle of the field everyday.
Waffarian: hey eh, AtuP, no make I take my red eye look una o. Ugo, how much space do you pple need to play sef?
Atutupoyoyo: all that one na yarns. abeg comot make I see road.
Fine Boy: hey, hey, hey, people what is gwan? Hey Kpakpa, what's up?
Kpankpando: Hi
Fine Boy: Hi
Calabar girl (in a whisper to Overwhelmed): hey, her mugu button is here.
Waffarian: Fine Boy, this does not con-syne you o
Fine Boy: Haba, how can you say that? Ugo, men. what's up, time is running. Chief Fineboy must not reach house before me o.
Ugo D: since it's only you she listens to, abeg tell your wife make she dress comot for here.
Atutupoyoyo: abi, plus her assistants
Calabar Girl: shut up and hobble away.
Overwhelmed: look am like monkey
Fine Boy: hey, that is not necessary. Waffy, girl, u know we have only this time before the seniors come and kick us off for their game. What do u say u let us ...?
Waffarian: we were just standing here jejely-and rora-ly. Abi, we are standing on your head,ehn Ugo.
Ugo: (shakes head and hisses)
Overwhelmed: look Fine Boy, the issue is, we want those mangoes. If you guys want us off the field, we gats to get our mango on.
Ugo, Fine Boy, Atutu: SAY WHAT?!!!!
Calabar Girl: U heard. Mango in hand, leg off your field.
Ugo: look men, am not about to serve punishment with you guys. Those toilets have not seen water not to talk of soap and I am not going to be the one to remind them what that is.
Atutupoyoyo: Amen
Waffarian: It's your call. I plan to be here everyday till Mango season is over. Then who knows what other fruit will be in season then.
Fine Boy: Waffy, why?
Waffarian: Zed.
Fine Boy: Guys, what do you say?
Ugo: Omo, match your brakes right now, u and who?
Fine Boy: Look all the best spots are taken. If we no do am by this time no more then. U know it is almost time for prep
Atutupoyoyo: Which is why, they should be in their dorms disturbing somebody else or something.
Overwhelmed: bite me
Atutupoyoyo: I don't want to catch something.
Fine Boy: hey, hey, no fighting.... U know what, just because it is you, Waffy and co, I will actually climb the tree myself, but
Overwhelmed: but what?
Fine Boy: Ww will all go to the tree. Even if I climb, you guys will stand under. And somebody has to stand guard.
Waffy: I am down. Oya. I will show you which branches have the nicest ones.
(Yosh, Ubong Da, Diary of a G, Boorish, Omodudu approach)
Diary of a G: niggas, what the f*#@S up?
Boorish: abeg stop that break dance, with all your american lingo you picked from DSTV
D.O.G: are you disrespecting me?
Yosh: (chuckling) Fine Boy, AtuP, are we playing or not?
Ugo: Not unless, we climb the mango tree.
Boorish: why, what for?
Idemmili: for the mangoes silly
Omodudu: oya, what are we waiting for?
Yosh: uh, i do not think that is a good idea.
Calabar Girl: that's why we did not ask you to think
Yosh: ouch
Calabar Girl: sorry
Boorish: wait, who is climbing the tree and who is eating the fruit? cos i am not about to be tarzan-ing up and down
Ugo: with laspapi on patrol
Yosh: and u could fall and break your legs.
Waffarian: now that the wooses have spoken, Fine Boy, oya now. Idemmili, make sure we know if anyone is coming.
(Fine Boy, Omodudu, Calabar Girl, Boorish, Kpankpando, Waffy move off)
Yosh: Oh boy, I don't like the look of this.
Diary of a G: well, those mangoes look really good.
Ugo: oh shit, toilets here we come
Atutupoyoyo: (handing Idemmili the ball and following the mango climbing team) why am I always doing dumb shit like this?
Ubong Da: u want the mangoes too?
Idemmili: yup. lovely juicy, soft mangoes.
Ubong Da: yeah, sinking your teeth into the soft flesh
Idemmili: and the sweet liquid bursting into your mouth
Ubong Da: streaming down your throat
Idemmili: your mouth struggling to manage the fullness of the fruit...
Ubong Da: ok, ok, ok. I see your M&Bs at work here.
Idemmili: what, u think you cannot match me?
Ubong Da: Idem, girl, my sturves will crush the nonsense of M&Bs any time.
Idemmili: you are on. you write something and I'll write something and we will see whose is better.
Ubong Da: who is going to judge? can't be either one of us
Idemmili: has to be someone that can read.
Ubong Da: that rules out half the class
Idemmili: that's not nice
Ubong Da: ok, when do you want to have it ready for? cos I can whip up something right now.
`Ubong Da: what...shit. men, yawa.
Laspapi: All of you freeze!!! Don't even bother to run. I know all of you. I know your father. I know your mother and above all, I know you. Fine Boy, just sit on that branch where you are and Waffarian, as you are holding those mangoes, just come right here. Diary of a G, pull up your pants. If you don't want to wear clothes, let us know, otherwise find a belt!!!!

COMING SOON

Coming soon for your viewing pleasure and amusement:

CATWALQ'S INTERNATIONAL ACADEMIE.
Registration commences immediately.
All attendees must have an open mind and a sense of humour.
Spaces are limited to a first-come-first-serve basis.
For further information, please contact the proprietor Catwalq Bani-Baraje by email:
CatwalqB@gmail.com.

Stay Tuned

something is wrong...

something is wrong with my texts.
I can't change the colours and sizes. And when I try to put some words in italics or bold font, i have some letters and *<> before and after the word.
What do I do?
Where r the blogger pros?

Hey Mister

Excuse me sir,
I understand that this road that we laboriously plow each day in our quest for bodies of steel and incitement of desire belong to neither you nor I. But I must plead with you.
If you must choose to run in the evenings, the same time as me, could you please ensure that the length of your jogging shorts, at least come to rest on your knees? Maybe the lights were always off, or I was just to preoccupied with other things but are human thighs supposed to possess that much hair?
And I must say that I think something is extremely wrong when your "shorts" hug your "region of productivity" and I see no "evidence" of "man spheres".What do you go a-tucking before you leave the house.
I also think you need to get your skin checked out. That shade of pink must be unhealthy. Is it just me, or does it seem that even your sweat is trying to get away from you cos each time you pass me, I always have to check if it is raining. I must look quite silly being the only person jogging with an umbrella.
Don't look at me like that. U have to know you are asking for it when you unleash yourself on the unsuspecting public. I am not trying to anger your ancestors (and just so you know, mine aren't asleep so don't even try some clifford orji type shit. who is clifford orji? check the internet. sha don't try it)I am just trying to ensure that my attack, defense and weapons of male persuasion are in top form. I am not sure why you r doing what u think u r doing...don't tell me, I am not that interested.
I have to go now. Yeah, you too. See you...okay, bye bye now. What? Will I be coming this way tomorrow? No, I don't think so. i think I am just going to accost my boss with what I am working with....no hugs, sorry

U add two sentences of your own to

She speaks in whispers
But loves in screams...

Niger Delta: the abused mistress; constantly promised marriage

Margaret Hill, the three year old daughter of a British expatriate worker has been kidnapped in the Niger Delta on her way to school. The militant groups have reached an ultimate low as in desperation they have turned to the innocent children. Many people have raised an uproar and it was reported on the BBC UK website that the British Consulate is demanding an immediate release of the child.

So far, all those who have heard about this story, have heaped alot of curses and insults of outrage and disgust on whoever is responsible (as it is the usual culprits MEND have denied involvement); which of course is not unwarranted. But I am curious to see if anyone is aware of the bigger picture at stake.

I am not too sure of the geography of the niger delta but from my own understanding (and here I emphasise the word "my"), the niger delta probably began its decline after the Biafran war. The discovery of oil is probably the biggest catastrophe to befall the region. the last time I was there which was in 2002 when I made road trip through the east, we passed abandoned farm lands and riverways; made unusable and toxic by the resultant pollutants of exploration.

For a people who have been reliant on the land for their livelihood, the inability to use these must mean an immediate and destruction of their socio-economy. Now, I am not much of a politician and I am aniticipating the comments to this post to be lengthy discourses on how incomplete my analysis is; but I need to ask how any one is surprised that suddenly out of the ashes of a raped and defiled people arose a vigilante group emulating terrorist antics as their only means to garner attention.

The thing is though that just like their terrorist mentors, the only response their going to get is a reciprocated show of force. To appease their foreign masters, the Nigerian government is going to dispense on the offense military force instructed to take no prisoners and leave no stone unturned. What we are going to now see is an even greater disaster to the Niger Delta people than they are already experiencing.

For a region that gave Nigerians the audacity to walk around with the arrogant pride of people of means, they sure have very little to show for it. All their great minds have either been poached or fled to the south west or Abuja or worse still to the same foreign lands that are responsible for the abuse of their people. All those who remain are not skilled enough to manage what little they have or are more motivated by a sense or entitlement and greed that they covet it all for their private and personal gain.

I am in no way advocating for militant groups. Violence and intimidation never gets the desired result and only breeds hostility. As it is, many are forgetting that the most violent of Nigerians reside in the Sharia brainwashed states of the north (yeah, i said it, go burn what's left of Kano)and are writing the vibrant and colourful people of the Niger delta as a bunch of trigger happy, barely literate, errant individuals. Some of them are but the majority are just like you and I, praying for the morning to bring a respite to their problems.

I pray Margaret is returned home soon. She is only three and only God knows what the poor thing is going through. And her mother is probably loosing her mind.
I am also praying for an end to the rape of the Niger Delta. Like any woman who has been abused for so long and too long, she too adopts the characteristics of her abuse and uses it on others, whether they have anything to do with her condition or not.

I don Tire

Rain rain go away
come again another day
catwalq has no umbrella

NEPA is a bitch. No light for three days and we don't have gen. Me I am tired of ironing my clothes one week in advance. How am I supposed to know that the air-con in the place I am going was probably once used to generate snow at one point in its existence.

Obasanjo is just shameless. And I thought he would retire and chase his chickens at his Ota farm. Which one is advisor again? Have we not suffered enough from this man's intelligence? Haba! Agbaya!

Wo, peoples, I will gist later, I need to go and collect ice block from Mama Junior upstairs. And tonight's soup. We kept some of our sturves in their freezer.I hope they have not left for church cos mumsie told me to get it like three hours ago and I just saw Sunday, drive out the car. Where there people inside the car?

ADO EKITI MEMOIRS

Apparently this blog is rated:

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

I REMEMBER WHEN:

mummy will say to daddy, "please could you help me get some tomatoes on your way back?" and daddy would say "yes" and turn up a few hours later with two baskets of tomatoes that he bought at three times the actual price. the market women loved my dad and his beat up Volvo 240. We always had food in that house

Omo mummy got his head stuck in the buglary proof in our neighbour's flat when we went to sneak and check out what the new tenant had in his flat. I laughed so hard I wet myself

I got stung by a scorpion and daddy said that it was a spider from Kingdom Arachnida. He had the doctorate degree in the house and so many encyclopedias, so we were figured he was right until I started to feel drowsy and sleepy

Our three guava, two cashew and pitanga trees

Mummy wishing she had not waited one more day for her fat paw paw to ripen on the tree cos the next day, it was not there

throwing stones at the masquerade and having the boys chase me down with koboko. I barely made it into the house

Iya oyo's pounded yam and egusi with assorted meat

traveling three hours to get to Ikogosi Warms Spring, just so we could swim

knowing all the mountains and rivers in the country

knowing all the states and capitals.

Omo Mummy getting getting stuck in the guava tree after I told him to climb up and shake the branches. Mummy beat me something serious before she climbed up and brought Omo Mummy down by the collar of his shirt. He was six so he got only a spank. i got a thrashing so bad that it even hurt to fart

The king's market and Oja Okesha that only opened every seventh day

The cathedral with seven schools in its compound

Sweet Alagbon; u know the sweet made from coconut and wrapped in cellophane and tied in knots. looked like a string of stones

Our farm and my small garden where I grew two yams, six ears of corn and some ugu

The pineapples that did not bear fruit till we moved out, six years after they were planted

The onions that daddy planted and made us talk to ( he read somewhere that if you talk to your plants, they grow better) that never grew. I always told anyone that saw him conversing with his plants that he was my father's twin brother from lagos.

Catching Esunsun and frying. Mummy condemned the frying pan after that

Daddy telling Mummy that he was going to bring her a present and then showing up later with some dead wild animal. U should have heard her reaction the day he presented her with a dead python. he told us he'd clean it himself and we would see that it tasted just like fish. he and I sat outside to eat the "fish" and we were not allowed to bring it inside.